The Gayest Penetration

  • Aired:  09/20/11
  •  | Views: 33,384

The end of "don't ask, don't tell" forever changes America's perception of its military. (3:40)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS... THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET, I LOVE

OUR TROOPS SO MUCH THAT I WOULD

NEVER JOIN THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THEN I'D BE CONSTANTLY

GIVING AWAY OUR POSITION BY

YELLING HOW MUCH I LOVE US.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO SADDENED

BY TODAY'S NEWS FROM THE FRONT

LINES.

>> AFTER NEARLY TWO DECADES THIS

MORNING, THE BAN ON GAYS AND

LESBIANS IN THE UNITED STATES

MILITARY IS HISTORY.

>> AFTER 18 YEARS OF CONTROVERSY

"DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" DIED AT

THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT.

>> Stephen: SEE?

"DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" ENDS AND

IMMEDIATELY MIDNIGHT IS STROKING

IT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW THAT I KNOW... NOW THAT I

KNOW THE SUM OF THE... THAT SUM

OF THE TROOPS ARE GAY, I DON'T

KNOW HOW TO SUPPORT THEM: FOR

INSTANCE, THE YELLOW RIBBONS.

DOES IT MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT

NOW?

IS THAT GAY CODE?

I KNOW WHAT THE BROWN

HANDKERCHIEF MEANS AND WHAT THE

BASEBALL CAP ON THE BELT LOOP

MEANS AND THE TWO FOOT TAPS

UNDER THE BATHROOM STALL AND THE

SHOULDER BUMP AT THE BAR AND THE

EYE CONTACT IN LINE AT THE BANK

AND THE BEST BUY CLERK ASKING ME

IF HE CAN HELP ME BUY FLAT

SCREENS OR THE GUY AT THE DELI

ASKING ME IF I WANT SUGAR IN MY

OF FREE.

(LAUGHTER)

THANK YOU, EVERYONE, I'M

FLATTERED BUT, NO, I DON'T SWING

THAT WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

THE END OF "DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL" HAS FOREVER CHANGED OUR

PERCEPTION OF OUR MILITARY.

SUDDENLY THESE MISSILES LOOK

PHALLIC!

OR WHAT ABOUT THIS SUBMARINE?

OR THIS TANK BARREL?

OR GENERAL RAY ODE AREA SNOW

PLEASE, GENERAL!

POINT THAT THING SOMEWHERE ELSE

OR AT LEAST STOP POLISHING IT.

(LAUGHTER)

IN FACT, ALL WARS SUDDENLY SEEM

KIND OF GAY.

ALL THAT MACHO POSTURING ABOUT

WHO IS INVADING WHO'S FRONT OR

USING THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE TO

FLANK THE ENEMY'S REAR.

EVERYONE'S WEARING PERFECTLY

MATCHING OUTFITS WITH SHINY

SHOES AND HIGH STEPPING.

DON'T BELIEVE ME?

LOOK AT THIS.

IN 1944, NAVY CORPSMAN MELVIN

DWORK WAS EXPELLED FROM THE NAVY

FOR BEING GAY-- THOUGH MR. DWORK

MAY HAVE ALSO VIOLATED THE

NAVY'S POLICY AGAINST BEING A

MAD MAGAZINE CHARACTER.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT LAST WEEK, FOLKS THE

PENTAGON CHANGED MR. DWORK'S

DISCHARGED STATUS FROM

"UNDESIRABLE" TO "HONORABLE"

MAKING HIM ELIGIBLE FOR

LONG-DENIED MILITARY BENEFITS

AND, IN THE PROCESS, MAKING ALL

OF WORLD WAR II HOMOSEXUAL.

TURNING THE GREATEST GENERATION

TO THE GAYEST PENETRATION.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SORRY!

I AM SORRY, TOM BROKAW!

THAT IS NOT ME SAYING THAT, THAT

IS THE PENTAGON!

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON

WORLD WAR I WITH EVERYBODY

HUDDLING DOWN IN EACH OTHER'S

TRENCHES.

AND THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR WITH

THOSE MUSTACHES AND HEADDRESSS.

MESSAGE RECEIVED, OTTO.

(LAUGHTER)

AT THIS POINT, FOLKS, THE ONLY

WAR I CAN THINK OF WITH ZERO GAY

OVERTONES IS THE ONE IN 300.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST A BUNCH OF SHIRTLESS OILED

GREEK DUDES FIGHTING FOR THE

RIGHT TO BE ALL STRAIGHT WITH

EACH OTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, PENTAGON, I AM CALLING ON

YOU TO REVISIT THIS DECISION.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN IN

HERSELF HISTORY AS THE

ORGANIZATION THAT MADE SETTLING

INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT WITH

STATE-SANCTIONED HOPL SIDE SEEM,

YOU KNOW, KIND OF WEIRD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)