Atone Phone - John Lithgow Calls

  • Aired:  09/28/11
  •  | Views: 22,189

John Lithgow calls the Atone Phone to do character research for an Ibsen play. (5:11)

[HORN SOUNDING]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, PLEASE.

IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME I'VE

SAID IT.

BUT NOTHING BEATS THE SOUND OF A

RAM HORN.

OH, AND THAT NEW RAM SMELL.

OF COURSE, I AM PLAYING THE

SHOFAR TONIGHT TO MARK THE

BEGINNING OF THE JEWISH NEW

YEAR, KNOWN AS ROSH HASHANAH,

WHICH KICKS OFF THE WEEK OF

REPENTANCE.

FOR MY JEWISH FRIENDS IT IS A

TIME OF SOLEMN REFLECTION,

ATONING FOR YOUR SINCE OR JUST

TAKING THE DAY OFF BECAUSE YOU

CAN.

AND TO HELP WITH THE REPENTING

PROCESS, ONCE AGAIN TONIGHT I AM

OPENING UP MY YEARLY ATONE-PHONE

HOT LINE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE

CHOSEN PEOPLE AND YOU HAVE

CHOSEN TO WRONG ME DURING THE

YEAR 5771, CALL BEFORE YOM

KIPPUR NEXT SATURDAY AND ASK MY

FORGIVENESS.

JUST DIAL 1-888-OOPS-JEW THAT'S

1-888-OOPS-JEW.

NOW, THIS IS THE SIXTH YEAR I'VE

OFFERED 1-888-OOPS-JEW, AND THE

ECONOMY BEING WHAT IT IS, ONCE

AGAIN I'VE HAD TO DEFRAY SOME OF

THE COSTS BY SHARING THE NUMBER

WITH OTHER BUSINESSES WHOSE

NAMES CAN BE SPELLED OUT WITH

THE SAME NUMBERS.

CALL THIS NUMBER AND PRESS 2 FOR

OOPS JEW.

IF YOU PRESS ONE, YOU'LL GET

MOSS KEY.

IF YOU PRESS 3, YOU'LL GET PEAT

AND SOD DISTRIBUTER, AND IF YOU

PRESS FOUR, YOU'LL GET DISCOUNT

MOVIE THEATER CINEPLEX AT

1-888-MO'S-PLEX.

THIS YEAR WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO

ADD YET ANOTHER BUSINESS, SO

FEWO PRESS 5, YOU WILL GET

1-888-NORS-LEZ, A SEX CHAT LINE

FEATURING LESBIANS OF NORDIC

DECENT.

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE, FOLKS, YOU

WILL NOT BELIEVE THE NASTY

THINGS THEY DO WITH LUTEFISK.

LET'S TAKE A LISTEN.

>> THANK YOU FOR CALLING

1-888-NORS-LEZ.

IT'S SUCH A COLD NIGHT ON THE

FJORD.

MY BODY SHIVERS AND I WISH MY

GIRLFRIEND WERE HERE TO KEEP ME

WARM WITH CUDDLING.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

THAT MUST BE HER AT THE DOOR.

YES, NOW MY MOUTH IS WATERING

BECAUSE I CAN SEE THROUGH THE

WINDOW.

SHE BRINGS WITH HER A BUCKET OF

HERRING.

>> Stephen: WOW.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M

SUPPORTING SOME NORWEGIAN WOOD.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

ISN'T IT GOOD?

ISN'T IT GOOD, NORWEGIAN WOOD?

ONCE AGAIN IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO

ATONE FOR YOUR SIN, THAT NUMBER

AGAIN IS 1-888-OOPS-JEW.

[PHONE RINGING]

WOW.

THE CALLS HAVE STARTED ALREADY.

SHALOM.

HOW HAVE YOU WRONGED ME?

>> HELLO.

THIS IS JOHN LYTHGOE.

>> Stephen: JOHN LITHGOW.

WELL, JOHN, JOHN, THIS IS

STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> OH, HI, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: JOHN, I DIDN'T

KNOW YOU WERE JEWISH.

>> I'M NOT.

I'M CALLING FOR THE NORDIC

LESBIANS.

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

WERE INTO THAT.

>> I AM NOT "INTO THAT."

I'M SIMPLY DOING CHARACTER

RESEARCH.

>> Stephen: FOR WHAT?

>> FOR A... A... AN IBSEN PLAY.

IT'S A MODERN EROTIC

INTERPRETATION OF HEDDA GABLER,

A COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO WITH HER

UNIVERSITY SISTERS AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF OSLO IS PUSHING

THE BOUNDARIES OF HUMAN SEXUAL

DEPRAVITY.

>>

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

AND WHAT PART DO YOU PLAY?

>> I DON'T CARE.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, JOHN.

THIS IS OOPS JEW.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THE PUSH

FIVE FOR NORS LEZ.

>> GOOD-BYE.

>> Stephen: JOHN THGOW,

EVERYBODY.

SO CHOSEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE

WRONGED ME, THE KNEIDELACH IS IN

YOUR COURT.

CALL IN AND ENSURE YOURSELF A

GUILT FREE 5772, WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

[C

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