Un-American News - China Edition

  • Aired:  01/25/12
  •  | Views: 36,416

Chinese tycoon and friend of the show Long Liyuan dies after indulging in a poisoned meal of slow-boiled cat-meat stew. (3:45)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW ME, I

GENERALLY DON'T REPORT ON

COUNTRIES OTHER THAN AMERICA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT SOMETIMES URGENT

DEVELOPMENTS ABROAD FORCED ME TO

ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR EXISTENCE.

THIS IS "UN-AMERICAN NEWS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CHINA ADDITION.

WELCOME.

OR AS THEY SAY IN CHINESE

"ALOHA."

MONDAY, FOLKS, IS THE START OF

THE CHINESE NEW YEAR AND ALL

OVER CHINA CELEBRATIONS KICKED

OFF WITH THE TRADITIONAL

ASSEMBLING OF THE IPADS.

FASTER.

THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE YEAR OF

THE DRAGON.

I KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE DRAGON WAS

JUST 11 ANIMALS AGO.

OF COURSE THE DRAGON IS

CONSIDERED THE LUCKIEST IN THE

CHINESE ZODIAC.

UNFORTUNATELY, THAT LUCK CAME

TOO LATE FOR ONE OF MY CHINESE

VIEWERS.

>> A CHINESE BILLIONAIRE DIES

AFTER HAVING HIS FAVORITE MEAL

AND WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR WHAT

THAT IS.

HIS FAMILY CLAIMS HE WAS

MURDERED.

HARRIS IS HERE WITH THE STORY.

HARRIS?

>> IT'S A LOCAL DELICACY.

IT'S CAT STEW.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Stephen: YES.

CAT STEW.

AND AS SHE SAID, IN CHINA, CAT

STEW IS A DELICACY WHICH MEANS

IF YOU FIND IT DISGUSTING YOU

ARE RACIST.

(LAUGHTER)

LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS CHINESE TYCOON

LONG LUAN, FRIEND OF THE SHOW,

SAT DOWN TO A MALE OF SLOW

BOILED CAT MEAT STEW ONLY TO BE

TAKE ON THE THE HOSPITAL AFTER

FEELING DIZZY AND SICK THEN

STUFFING A CARDIAC ARREST.

HARDLY THE SMOOTH DIGESTION

YOU'D EXPECT AFTER A NIGHT OF

EATING BOILED CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, POLICE DISCOVERED THAT HIS

MEAL HAD BEEN POISONED BY A

BUSINESS ASSOCIATE KWAN GUONG,

ALSO A FRIEND OF THE SHOW.

WHO'S ACCUSED OF ADDING A TOXIC

PLANT TO THE CAT MEET STEW WHICH

YOU MAY REMEMBER IS HOW THE

C.I.A. FINALLY GOT ALF.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I WANT TO ASSURE ALL OF MY

CHINESE TYCOON VIEWERS THAT THIS

POISONING WAS AN ISOLATED

INCIDENT.

WE ARE NOT-- REPEAT NOT--

RECALLING THE LINE OF PREMIUM

CANNED CAT MEAT STEW THAT I

ENDORSE IN CHINA COLONEL

TUXEDO'S HAPPY JOY POWER CAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

REMEMBER OUR MOTTO, FOLKS,

RELIABLE STING OF PLEASURE

TRUSTWORTHY OF LUNCH.

(LAUGHTER)

COLONEL TUXEDOS IS THE

NUMBER-TWO MOST POPULAR BRAND OF

CAT MEAT STEW IN GUANGDONG

PROVINCE AND LET ME STRESS, MY

CAT MEAT STEW CONTAINS NO

POISONS-- THAT HAVE BEEN

ACTIVATED.

(LAUGHTER)

WARNING, DO NOT HEAT MY CAT MEAT

STEW.

WELL, FOLKS, HARD...

(LAUGHTER).

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT'S ALL

THE TIME WE HAVE FOR THIS

SPECIAL UN-AMERICAN NEWS CHINESE

EDITION.

OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN THE KOREAN

EDITION.

I GUESS I'M CONFUSED.

BUT I'M NOT A RACIST-- I HAVE AN

ASIAN FRIEND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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