Thought for Food - Domino's Smart Slice & Doritos Jacked

  • Aired:  06/19/14
  •  | Views: 25,201

Domino's Pizza conforms to minimum health standards for school lunches, and Doritos rolls out three mystery flavors. (6:09)

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( APPLAUSE )FOLKS, YOU KNOW ME, I BELIEVE IN

THREE SQUARE MEALS A DAY.

THAT'S WHY I ONLY EAT GRAHAMCRACKER AND VELVEETA SANDWICHES.

THIS IS THOUGHT FOR FOOD.

( CHEERS )( APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, WHEN IT COMES TOEDUCATION, THERE IS ONE CRUCIAL

THING A CHILD NEEDS-- NAME-BRANDFOOD PRODUCTS.

YOU GOT EVERY SUBJECT RIGHTTHERE IN THE VENDING MACHINE--

THREE MUSKETEERS-- THAT'SENGLISH CLASS.

BUGLES-- THAT'S BAND.

AND AQUAFINA-- PRETTY SURETHAT'S LATIN.

BUT THE MICHELLE OBAMAHEALTH-STAPO IS NOW CRACKING

DOWN ON THE MARKETING OF LESS-NUTRITIOUS FOODS IN SCHOOLS

WITH NEW RULES LIMITING HOW MUCHFAT, SUGAR, AND SODIUM THEY

CONTAIN, INGREDIENTS WHICH AREUSUALLY LIMITED ONLY BY OUR

IMAGINATION.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )( LAUGHTER )

>> AND, FOLKS, THIS POSES APARTICULAR THREAT TO DOMINO'S

PIZZA WHO HAVE OUTLETS IN 3,000SCHOOLS IN 38 STATES BUT THEY'VE

OUTSMARTED THE FIRST LUNCH LADYBY INTRODUCING THE DOMINO'S

SMART SLICE WHICH HAS ONE-THIRDLESS FAT IN THE PEPPERONI,

ONE-THIRD LESS SALT IN THESAUCE, AND CHEESE WITH HALF THE

FAT SO THAT IT FITS THE NEWHEALTH STANDARDS.

BUT DON'T WORRY, THESE CHANGESDON'T SACRIFICE THE USUAL

DOMINO'S-- I WANT TO SAY TASTE.

( LAUGHTER )FOR EXAMPLE, SCHOOL FOOD MUST

CONTAIN AT LEAST 50% WHOLEGRAINS.

SO 51% OF THE SMART SLICE CRUSTUSES A WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR THAT IS

MADE TO LOOK AND TASTE LIKE IT'SWHITE FLOUR AND THAT SENDS A

GREAT MESSAGE TO OUR KIDS-- 51%IS A PASSING GRADE.

( CHEERS )( APPLAUSE )

BEST OF ALL, BEST OF ALL,DOMINO'S HAS NO PLANS TO SELL

THE SMART SLICE IN SHOPS.

( LAUGHTER )WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO SAY

SOMETHING NO ONE'S EVER SAID TODOMINO'S BEFORE-- WELL DONE.

BECAUSE YOU--( APPLAUSE )

YOU, DOMINO'S, HAVE THE MEANSAND CAPABILITY TO CRAFT A

HEALTHIER PIZZA THAT LOOKS ANDTASTES LIKE YOUR NORMAL PRODUCT

BUT YOU REFUSE TO SELL IT TO ME.

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW THAT IF I'M ORDERING

DOMINO'S, I HAVE ZERO INTERESTIN HEALTH.

IN FACT, I MIGHT HAVE A DEATHWISH.

( LAUGHTER )FINALLY-- BY THE WAY, IT'S

DELICIOUS.

YOU SHOULD EAT IT.

FINALLY, THERE'S NO QUESTIONTHAT WHEN IT COMES TO SNACKING,

AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE.

WE HAVE THE BIGGEST GULPS.

WE HAVE THE SLIMMEST JIMS.

EVEN OUR YUNS ARE THE FUNNEST.

BUT, FOLKS, DORITOS, DORITOS HASJUST KICKED OUR SNACKING UP A

NOTCH WITH THREE NEW MYSTERYFLAVORS IDENTIFIED ONLY BY THE

NUMBERS 404, 855, AND 2653.

FINALLY, DORITOS IS NAMING CHIPSFOR THE ATOMIC NUMBERS OF THEIR

ACTIVE INGREDIENTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

ALL I KNOW ABOUT THESE CHIPS,ALL I KNOW ABOUT THESE CHIPS IS

THAT AT SOME POINT DURING THEMANUFACTURING PROCESS THEY

BECAME JACKED.

WHICH, ACCORDING TO DORITOS,MEANS THEY'RE 40% BIGGER IN SIZE

AND THICKNESS.

YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD FOOD WHEN THEMARKETING SOUNDS LIKE SPAM FOR

AN ESTONIAN BONER PILL.

GUESS WHAT, NATION?

( APPLAUSE )IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE A

CHANCE ON THESE CHIPS, YOU'RE ACOWARD.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE DORITOSVICE PRESIDENT OF MARKETING,

"THERE IS NOTHING AS BOLD ASSTEPPING INTO THE UNKNOWN AND

CRUNCH INTO AN UNKNOWN MYSTERYCHIP."

NOTHING AS BOLD. WE CROSSEDOCEANS.

WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON.

WE HARNESSED THE POWER OF THEATOM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BUT NEVER, NEVER HAVE WE

DISCOVERED ANYTHING THATAMERICANS WON'T EAT.

( LAUGHTER )WELL, FOLKS, I FOR ONE AM UP TO

THE CHALLENGE OF HAVING MY TASTEBUDS JACK SLAPPED BY THESE

CHIPS, OKAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THERE YOU GO.

FIRST OF ALL, I GOTTA SAY, ILOVE THE NONDESCRIPT MIRROR

PACKAGING.

IT'S A GREAT WAY TO SEE THAT,YEAH, YEAH, I'M THE ONE EATING

THIS.

( LAUGHTER )LET'S TRY SOME 855 RIGHT HERE.

MMM-MMM.

HOLD ON.

MMM.

OKAY.

I'M GETTING NOTES OF SALT.

( LAUGHTER )THAT TRANSITIONS INTO A SALTY

FLAVOR.

BEFORE FINISHING WITH JUST AHINT OF SALT.

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA FINISH THAT LATER.

( APPLAUSE )MY ONE QUIBBLE-- MY ONE QUIBBLE

IS I STILL KNOW WAY TOO MUCHABOUT THESE CHIPS.

FOR EXAMPLE, THEY'RE DORITOS.

WHO WANTS TO GET BOGGED DOWNWITH ALL THAT INFORMATION?

I'M TRYING TO EAT HERE, NOTREAD. THAT'S WHY

TONIGHT I'M INTRODUCING MY OWNEXPERIMENTALLY

VAGUE SNACK PRODUCT-- PUT IT INYOUR MOUTH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )EACH BAG OF PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH

IS PACKED WITH ITS CONTENTS.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

EAT SOME AND TELL US.

TWEET WHAT YOU THINK YOU ATE ANDYOU COULD WIN MORE OF WHATEVER

THAT WAS.

LOOK FOR IT AT YOUR LOCALGROCER'S.

SERIOUSLY, COULD YOU HELP USLOOK FOR IT BECAUSE SOME OF IT

HAS ESCAPED THE LAB.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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