ThreatDown - Killer Bees

Aired:  02/06/06 Views: 5,621

From Eastern liberal newspapers to killer bees, Stephen runs down the top five threats to America. (4:35)

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

YOU KNOW, FEAR IS A GREAT

MOTIVATOR SO PREPARE TO GET

MOTIVATED.

THIS IS THE THREAT-DOWN!

(SIREN)

THREAT NUMBER FIVE, NEWSPAPERS,

SPECIFICALLY EASTERN LIBERAL

ELITE TREE HUGGING NEWSPAPERS.

THE "BOSTON GLOBE" AND THE

"WORCESTER TELEGRAM GAZETTE"

CLAIMED THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO

HELP THE ENVIRONMENT USING

RECYCLED NEWSPAPERS ON THE BACK,

CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS FOR

THOUSANDS OF SUBSCRIBERS.

NEWSPAPERS IF YOU WANT TO SAVE

PAPER STOP PRINTING.

LET'S FACE IT PRINT IS DEAD

MIGHT AS WELL GET YOUR NEWS ON

THE STONE TABLET.

NUMBER FOUR, IPODS, CUSTOMERS

HAVE FILED A CLASS ACTION

LAWSUIT AGAINST APPLE CLAIMING

THEY CAUSED HEARING LOSS.

THE DEVICE COMES WITH NO WARNING

AGAINST THE VOLUME OF THE

PLAYERS OTHER THAN THE ONE

PRINTED IN THE STRIEWKS BOOK.

OTHER THAN THAT NO WARNING AT

ALL.

( LAUGHTER )

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW I -- I'M

CONSIDERING A LAWSUIT OVER THE

VIDEO IPOD, NOWHERE DOES IT SAY

I SHOULDN'T DUCT TAPE THE PLAYER

TO A BASEBALL CAP SO I CAN WATCH

TOBY KEITH VIDEOS WHILE DRIVING.

APPLE IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE BUT

I'LL WILLING TO SETTLE OUT OF

COURT.

13 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS ESCAPED

FROM THEIR YEMENI PRISON THROUGH

A TUNNEL.

THIS IS JUST A WEEK AFTER THE

U.S. AUTHORITIES UNEARTHED A

DRUG SMUGGLE TUNNEL FROM TIJUANA

TO CALIFORNIA.

PROJECTS THIS SIZE CAN'T BE

ACCOMPLISHED BY MERE HU-MEN.

IT SEEMS OUR ENEMIES ARE IN A

LEAGUE WITH THE MOLE-MEN.

THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PEACEFUL

CREATURES.

SUPERMAN DEFENDED THEM AGAINST

AN ANGRY MOB OF FOLKS WHO FEARED

WHAT THEY COND UNDERSTAND.

WAIT, I GOT IT IT'S THE C.H.U.D.

THE CANNIBALISTIC HUMANOID

UNDERGROUND DWELLERS.

C.H.U.D. YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

TOLERANCE, A $10 WORD FOR

WEAKNESS.

DENMARK APPLIEDS CSH PRIDES

ITSELF ON TOLL REANS.

THEY TOLERATE A DIVERSE

IMMIGRANT POPULATION.

THEY TOM RATE THE CARTOONIST

WHO'S INSULT THE MUSLIM

POPULATION.

CARTOONS WE'RE NOT SHOWING ON

THE ETHICAL GROUNDS WE'RE SCARED

TO AND APPARENTLY THEY TOLERATE

HAVING THEIR CONSULATE BURNED

DOWN.

HERE IS THE PROBLEM: YOU CAN BE

AS TOLERANT AS YOU WANT BUT AS

LONG AS THERE'S ONE INTOLERANT

PERSON WHO WON'T TOLERATE YOUR

TOLERANCE YOU LOSE UNLESS OF

COURSE YOU CALL THIS WINNING.

THE ONLY ANSWER TO STOP THIS

LATEST IMBROGLIO IS THE LATEST

JUSTICE.

HERE IT IS -- I'M GOING TO DO A

QUICK SKETCH RIGHT HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

OKEY-DOKEY.

HAMLET AND HANS CHRISTIAN

ANDERSEN EATING THE LITTLE

MERMAID AND A VIKING HAVING SEX

WITH QUEEN MARGARET.

HERE IS THE KICKER: IT'S A

NORWEGIAN VIKING.

( LAUGHTER )

TAKE IT, DENMARK.

( LAUGHTER )

SEE, NOW EVERYBODY IS EVEN,

MUSLIMS, YOU'RE WELCOME.

FINALLY THREAT NUMBER ONE:

KILLER BEES.

ACCORDING TO THE SOUTH OF

FLORIDA -- THE "FLORIDA

SUN-SENTINEL", KILLER BEES HAVE

TAKEN OVER THE STATE.

IF YOU LIVE THERE DON'T GO NEAR

FLOWERS.

TWO, BEWARE OF HONEY NUT

CHEERIOS.

THEY ARE ENRAGED BY CARTOON

DEPICTIONS OF BOOEZ AND THREE,

WATCH OUT FOR BEARS.

HERE IS HOW IT WORKS.

WE WANT HONEY, BEARS WANT HONEY.

BEES LURE US TO THEIR NESTS,

KILL US AND OFFER UP OUR

CARCASSES TO THE BEARS TO

PROTECT THEIR HONEY.

I'VE SEEN

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