Wife of Jesus

  • Aired:  09/19/12
  •  | Views: 30,858

Before he had a wife, Jesus was a party animal always turning water into wine and hanging out with prostitutes. (2:42)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW ON A REGULAR BASIS YOU KNOW I HAVE A CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS.

WE'RE SUPER TIME.

IN FACT, I TOOK THAT PICTURE ON MY iPHONE.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO SHOCKED TO HEAR THIS NEWS.

>> NEW EVIDENCE FROM AN ANCIENT TEXT THAT SUGGESTS JESUS MAY HAVE BEEN MARRIED.

ON THIS SCRAPBOOK ARE THE EXPLOSIVE WORDS JESUS SAID TO THEM, "MY WIFE."

>> STEPHEN: MARRIED OH, CRAP WHAT IS IS THE RULE ON WEDDING GIFTS.

YOU HAVE 2,000 YEARS, SNRIET JC, SO HAPPY FOR YOU, MAZEL, BABY.

IT COMES AS A RELIEF.

YOU ARE A FIT DUDE, YOU WEAR SANDELS.

SPENT ALL YOUR TIME HANG AROUND WITH OTHER GUYS.

PEOPLE WERE STARTING TO TALK.

WHAT A CATCH, RIGHT, LADIES?

IT'S SO HARD TO FIND A NICE JEWISH BOY LET ALONE THE NICEST JEWISH BOY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HIS DAD, SUPER WELL CONNECTED.

HE KNOWS EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT AS HAPPY AS I AM FOR MY BROSSEIAH THIS NEWS HAS BEEN BUMMED OUT.

JESUS WAS ONE OF MY LAST SINGER FRIENDS.

HE WASN'T JUST MY COPILOT HE WAS MY WING MAN.

I SETTLED DOWN BUT HE WAS A PARTY ANIMAL ALWAYS TURNING WATER INTO WINE, HANGING OUT PROSTITUTES BUT NOW HE HAS A

WIFE, YOU KNOW.

MR. AND MRS. JESUS AND HELEN CHRIST.

THE CHRIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE.

WHEN I GO TO CONFESS MY SINS, YOU KNOW HE'S GOING TO TELL HER.

YOU CAN'T HAVE SECRETS IN A MARRIAGE.

SHE'LL PROBABLY THROW IN HER TWO CENTS, YOU KNOW.

YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO FORGIVE FOR THAT?

NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT WITH A GLADE PLUG-IN.

YOU CAN FORGET THAT BEARD AND THE ROBE.

FROM NOW IT'S CLEAN SHAVEN AND A POLO SHIRT.

AND HE COMES AGAIN IN GLORY IT'S GOING BE A MINIVAN.

WE USED TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN.

WE WOULD BE ON THE BEACH.

I WOULD BE HAVING TROUBLE IN MY LIFE AND WOE CARRY ME ACROSS THE SAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ING FOR THEAT BECAUSE NOW HE IS LEADED UP WITH BEACH CHAIRS AND A COOLER.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ON SUNDAYS?

WE USED TO WATCH THE GAME TOGETHER.

I GUESS VILE TO GO TO CHURCH.

LAME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...