Super Tuesday Party, Putin's Win & India's State Assembly

  • Aired:  03/06/12
  •  | Views: 12,551

While the GOP candidates go all average to connect with blue collar voters for America's Super Tuesday, other election results stream in from Russia and India. (5:41)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN] THANK

YOU SO MUCH

THIS IS IT, NATION-- IT'S SUPER

TUESDAY!

IT'S LIKE THE SUPER BOWL OF

POLITICS, IF THE SUPER BOWL WAS

ONE TEAM SLOWLY DESTROYING

ITSELF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND JUST LIKE THE SUPERBOWL, I

HAVE PAINTED MY FACE WITH MY

TEAM COLORS:

WHITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M HAVING A LITTLE TAILGATE

PARTY.

I'M COOKIN' UP SOME BRATS HERE

ON THE OL' SMOKEY JOE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NEW MEXICO, -- MMMMM

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ISN'T A REAL

GRILL.

"BIG GOVERNMENT FIRE MARSHALL"

WANTS US TO AVOID "CARBON

MONOXIDE POISONING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

JOKE'S ON HIM WHEN YOU ALL GET

TRICHYNOSIS FROM THESE UNCOOKED

BRATS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M GONNA MAKE MY FAMOUS

TEN-LAYER DIP, WITH ONE LAYER

FOR EACH STATE WITH A PRIMARY

TODAY.

WE'VE GOT POTATOES FOR IDAHO,

HAM FOR VIRGINIA, SOME VERMONT

CHEDDAR, FOR ALASKA, SOME

VENISON, AND FOR OHIO, A LAYER

OF RUST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, OF THE COURSE -- YOU

CAN'T HAVE A PARTY WITHOUT A

BATCH -- BATCH OF MY FAMOUS

AMERICAN SALSA.

IT'S MOSTLY MAYONNAISE WITH A

DASH OF MIRACLE WHIP.

I'VE GOT A KEG OF BEER, AND IN

CASE ROMNEY WINS, I'VE GOT A KEG

OF CAFFEINE-FREE DIET COKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND OH I'M MIXING UP MARGARITAS.

COULDN'T FIND MY BLENDER, SO I'M

USING THIS TRANSVAGINAL

ULTRASOUND WAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MMM.

YOU KNOW, USUALLY AT PARTIES,

THIS DOESN'T COME OUT UNTIL

AFTER THE MARGARITAS.

SALTY.

AND ALL THIS IS BECAUSE SUPER

TUESDAY IS "THE" DECIDING NIGHT.

AND THE CANDIDATES HAVE ALL BEEN

FOCUSING ON A KEY DEMOGRAPHIC.

>> THOSE BLUE COLLAR VOTERS WHO

WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT IN THE

GENERAL ELECTION.

>> RICK SANTORUM HAS TALKED A

LOT ABOUT HIS BLUE COLLAR ROOTS.

>> GOV. ROMNEY HAS TRIED TO KIND

OF LOOSEN UP.

HE'S APPEARED AT EVENTS WITHOUT

A TIE, WITHOUT A JACKET, LOOKING

VERY CASUAL.

HE'S CLEARLY LOOKING TO CONNECT

WITH BLUE COLLAR FOLKS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, EVERYONE'S

GETTIN' ALL RELAXED AND AVERAGE

TO CONNECT WITH BLUE COLLAR

VOTERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GONNA ROLL UP MY SLEEVES

I'M GONNA ROLL UP MY SLEEVES AND

OF COURSE AS AN AVERAGE JOE

BREAK OUT THE LUNCH PAIL

AND STRAP ON MY BLUE COLLAR.

NOW I'M JUST A WORKING JOE!

HEY FELLAS!

LET'S HEAD OVER TO THE

FACTORY-PLANT AND FOUNDRY US

SOME METAL GOODS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELDING, AM I RIGHT?

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS OWN THIS

COMPANY!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH RELAXING.

SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE

RESULTS!

NATION, WITH ZERO PERCENT

REPORTING,

THE COLBERT REPORT CAN

OFFICIALLY PROJECT:

NOTHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BECAUSE WE TAPE THIS AT SEVEN,

AND THE POLLS CLOSE AT EIGHT.

-- WE TAPE THE SHOW AT 8:00 AND

THE POLLS CLOSE AT NINE.

BUT I HAVE GONE TO A LOT OF

TROUBLE HERE, AND I GOTTA REPORT

THE RESULTS OF SOMETHING.

SO LET'S GO TO RUSSIA, WHERE WE

ARE PREPARED TO PROJECT THAT

VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL ONCE AGAIN

BE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA.

VERY STRONG SHOWING.

IN FACT, IN ONE PRECINCT, PUTIN

WON BY A DECISIVE MARGIN OF 1482

TO 1, WITH AN IMPRESSIVE TURNOUT

107%.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVIDENTALLY, VOTERS REALLY

RESPONDED TO HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN

"PUTIN 2012: OR HE'LL SHOOT YOUR

FAMILY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND JUST NOW WE HAVE SOME

SURPRISING RESULTS FROM TODAY'S

INDIA STATE ASSEMBLY ELECTIONS,

WHERE RAHUL GANDHI AND HIS

RULING CONGRESS PARTY BEEN

KICKED IN THE SOMOSAS BY UPSTART

CHALLENGER AKHILESH YADAV AND

HIS SAMAJWADI PARTY.

IT SEEMS GANDHI AND NATIONAL

CONGRESS TRIED TO CURRY FAVOR

WITH THE STATE OF UTTAR PRADESH,

ONLY TO LEARN IT WAS A

NAAN-STARTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CHICKEN VINDALOO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL HAVE MORE RESULTS AS THEY

COME IN.

GARY THURSTON OF BALTIMORE, WE

SHOULD KNOW AT ANY MINUTE IF YOU

HAVE CHLAMYDIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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