Thought for Food - Wheat Addictions

  • Aired:  01/09/13
  •  | Views: 34,734

America gets hooked on a new substance that's just as addictive as crack: a loaf of bread. (6:18)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SOX.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH.

SO NEVER LET THEY OPERATE YOU ON.

THIS IS THOUGHT FOR FOOD.

FOLKS, THERE'S NO QUESTION THIS COUNTRY HAS A DRUG PROBLEM, WHAT WITH COKE, ECSTASY, AND BATH

SALTS OUT THERE, MANY PARENTS SMOKE MEDICAL MARIJUANA JUST FOR THEIR ANXIETY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW THERE'S A NEW SUBSTANCE WE'RE ALL HOOKED ON.

>> DR. WILLIAM DAVIS SAYS A LOAF OF BREAD IS JUST AS ADDICTIVE AS CRACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> IT'S ADDICTIVE.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT: BREAD.

DOUGH.

SATAN'S LOAF.

THE CRUSTY CRANK.

DROPPING SOME PUMPERNICKEL, CHASING THE MULTIGRAIN DRAGON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND FOLKS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS -- AND JUST WHAT MAKES THE YEAST BEAST SO ADDICTIVE?

>> THERE'S SOMETHING IN MODERN WHEAT CALLED GLIADIN, THAT WAS CHANGED BY THE EFFORTS OF

GENETICISTS TO CHANGE THE PROPERTIES OF THIS PLANT, MOSTLY TO INCREASE YIELD.

AND THE UNINTENDED EFFECT IS THAT IT INCREASES APPETITE. YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.

YOU HAVE ONE BAGEL YOU WANT MORE.

>> Stephen: TODAY'S WHEAT IS THE PRIMO.

(bleep).

IT'S NOT LIKE THE (bleep) TOAST YOUR UNCLE BUTTERED AT WOODSTOCK.

AND FOLKS, THIS IS PERSONAL FOR ME. BECAUSE I USED TO RIDE THE WHITE-BREAD PONY.

I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT.

JUST SOME CRACKERS WITH MY CHEESE A BAGUETTE AMONG FRIENDS, MAYBE A CROISSANT TO TAKE THE

EDGE OFF.

BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS WAKING AND BAKING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW I'M A PARENT, AND LIKE THE FOLKS AT CBS NEWS, I WANT TO LOOK OUT FOR THE CHILDREN.

SO TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO LAUNCH A NEW CAMPAIGN TO EDUCATE THE KIDS ON THE DANGERS OF WHEAT.

MOVE OVER McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG!

IT'S TIME FOR "McGNAW THE GLUTEN-FREE BEAVER."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, McGNAW!

>> HEY, STEPHEN!

HEY, KIDS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: McGNAW, I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR TODAY'S YOUTH.

>> YEAH!

KIDS, STAY AWAY FROM WHEAT IF YOU WANT TO GROW UP BIG AND STRONG LIKE YOUR OLD PAL, McGNAW!

YOM YOM YOM!

>> Stephen: NOW WHAT IF SOMEONE TRIES TO OFFER THEM WHEAT, McGNAW?

>> WELL, JUST SAY "GNAW"! THEN TELL SOMEONE YOU TRUST, LIKE A PARENT, OR A TEACHER -- OR A BEAVER!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: GREAT ADVICE.

SO WHAT "SHOULD" KIDS EAT?

>> WELL, INSTEAD OF WHEAT, YOU CAN EAT HEALTHY THINGS LIKE FRUITS OR VEGETABLES OR WOOD!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS.

WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?

>> WOOD!

YOM YOM YOM!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: OKAY, UM, McGNAW, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE EATING WOOD IS GOOD IDEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, STEPHEN-- IT'S A GREAT IDEA!

LEAF IT TO BEAVER-- IT'S INCREDI-BARK-ABLE!

LAUGH --

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: IT'S A GREAT IN THEO.

YOUR CORE MESSAGE STILL SOLID BUT HUMANS CAN'T DIGEST WOOD.

>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?

>> Stephen: NO, I HAVEN'T.

>> THEN HOW "WOOD" YOU KNOW?

WOOD!

WOOD!

>> Stephen: OKAY, KIDS, DON'T EAT WOOD.

IT'S DANGEROUS AND DUMB ADVICE.

>> HEY, STEPHEN, I'VE GOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EAT-- ME!

HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT YOUR WOOD RIGHT HERE, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

THAT'S ENOUGH!

KIDS, DO NOT EAT WHEAT, ALSO DO NOT EAT WOOD.

>> WAIT A MINUTE, KIDS WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE, HU SNRKS THIS OLD MAN OR McGNAW THE

GLUTEN FREE BEAVER.

EAT WOOD!

[CROWD CHANGT EAT WOOD]

>> Stephen: SHUT UP!

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!

STOP IT HE'S NOT A REAL BEAVER.

HE'S JUST SOME STUPID ACTOR IN A BEAVER COSTUME.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> GREAT.

GREAT.

NICE IMPROV, JAGOFF.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU JUST DESTROYED THIS ILLUSION FOR A WHOLE GENERATION OF CHILDREN WHO HAVE COME TO LOVE

AND TRUST McGNAW.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE TELLING THEM TO EAT WOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT'S A CHOKING HAZARD?

>> HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

I HAD A VASECTOMY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, GET OUT AND LEAVE THE BEAVER HEAD BACKSTAGE.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> LOOK, MAN.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M JUST ON EDGE BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD ANY WHEAT TODAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOONCHTS OKAY, LOOK HERE SAY BAG OF HOT DOG BUNS.

DO YOU --

>> YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA CALL MY SPONSOR.

>> Stephen: DON'T EAT WHEAT, KIDS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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