Unemployment Below Eight Percent

  • Aired:  10/08/12
  •  | Views: 16,832

The Bureau of Labor Statistics cooks the books for Barack Obama while his government-mooching allies get off the couch and go to work. (3:41)

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I THINK YOU CAN TELL BY THE ENERGY ENERGY IN THIS ROOM WE GET IT ON MOST EVERY NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME, WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

NATION, I AM STILL GLOWING FROM LAST WEEK'S RUNNAWAY DEBATE VICTORY FOR MITT ROMNEY.

HE'S GOT THE MITT-MENTUM.

THE MO-MITT-NUM.

THE ROM-NENTUM.

THERE'S STILL NO WORD FOR IT, IT'S NEVER EXISTED BEFORE.

HE GOT A BUMP IN THE POLLS.

CAMPAIGN DONATIONS ARE ROLLING IN.

IT'S ALL GOOD NEWS!

>> A SEPTEMBER JOBS REPORT WITH THE UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBER NOW DOWN TO 7.8%, THE LOWEST RATE SINCE THE PRESIDENT

TOOK OFFICE.

>> Stephen: EXCEPT FOR ANY NEWS THAT IS ACTUALLY GOOD.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, THIS .3% DROP IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE SEEMS JUST A LITTLE TOO BARELY BETTER THAN TRUE.

>> MAYBE IT'S A COINCIDENCE.

>> A MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION WE HAVE A NUMBER THAT COMES OUT 1/10 BELOW WHEN THE PRESIDENT TOOK OFFICE.

>> I'M NOT A HUGE CONSPIRACY THEORIST BUT I WILL GO WITH JACK WELCH.

>> HOW CONVENIENT THE RATE DROPS BELOW 8% FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 43 MONTHS FIVE WEEKS BEFORE AN ELECTION.

>> RIGHT BACK TO WHERE IT WAS JANUARY 2009.

>> THE HEADLINE RIGHT NOW.

>> COINKIDINK.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, THIS IS MORE THAN A COINKIDINK, IT IS A FULL PLEDGE-- FLEDGE CONSPIRAA-DINKI-DOINK.

AND THE HEAD OF HUFFLEPUFF IS RIGHT.

OH, HOW CONVENIENT, QUICK SOMEONE ALERT THE ACCOUNTANT.

SHE WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS OR DOWNTOWN HANNY WILL FEEL HER [BLEEP]

(APPLAUSE) MARY POPPINS!

NOW FOLKS WE ALL KNOW THE BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS ARE COOKING THE BOOKS FOR THEIR BUDDY OBAMA.

OF COURSE THEY VOW THERE'S NO CONSPIRACY CLAIMS BEFORE THE NUMBER IS EVER RELEASED THERE IS AN EIGHT DAY

SECURITY LOCKDOWN DURING WHICH CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS ARE SIGNED EACH MORNING AND COMPUTERS ARE

ENCRYPTED AND DATA LOCKED INTO A SAFE EVERY TIME ONE OF THE ANALYSTS GOES EVEN TO THE BATHROOM.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE RELEASING ALL THE NUMBERS.

WHEN THOSE ANALYST GOES TO THE BATHROOM IS IT NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO.

AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW!

AND FOLKS, THIS THING IS TOO BIG FOR THE BUREAU OF LABOR STATISTICS TO HAVE DONE IT ALL ALONE.

IT HAS TO GO ALL THE WAY UP TO THE BOTTOM.

THINK ABOUT IT.

LAST MONTH 114,000 UNEMPLOYED MOOCHERS.

THE PRESIDENT'S NATURAL ALLIES, SUDDENLY YANK THE GOVERNMENT TEAT OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS, GET OFF THE COUCH

FOR 40 HOURS A WEEK, WHY?

I SAY FOLLOW THE MONEY BECAUSE I FOUND OUT THAT RIGHT AROUND THE TIME THOSE PEOPLE GOT THOSE JOBS, THEY

STARTED GETTING PAID

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