Joan Rivers

  • Aired:  07/30/12
  •  | Views: 12,887

Legendary comedian Joan Rivers explains why she hates the Olympics, babies, young people, old people and herself. (5:43)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT HAS A NEW BOOK CALLED I ATE EVERYONE STARTING WITH ME.

PERSONALLY I WOULD HAVE STARTED WITH HITLER.

PLEASE WELCOME JOAN RIVERS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) JOAN, TWHAU SOME OF FOR COMING ON.

>> LOVELY TO BE HERE.

>> DID YOU BRING SHEET MUSIC DOING UPTEMPO OR BALANCE ADD.

>> I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ASKING POLITICAL QUESTIONS AND I HATE EVERYBODY SO I

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD,

GOOD.

WHAT AN HONOR TO YOU HAVE ON,

WHAT A LEDGE END YOU ARE.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: DECADES IN THE BUSINESS.

TELEVISION, STAGE.

YOU OPENED FOR GRANTED --

>> IN MANY WAYS.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING.

>> Stephen: NOW YOU'VE GOT A BOOK NOW, HOW MANY BOOKS HAVE YOU DONE SO FAR.

>> THIS IS MY 7th.

>> Stephen: LUCKY 7.

>> AND ON THE BEST-SELLER LIST SO GO FIGURE.

>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THE BOOK IS CALLED JOAN RIVERS, I HATE EVERYONE, STARTING WITH ME.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

HOW DO YOU FIND THE STRENGTH TO HATE EVERYONE.

>> IT'S SO EASY.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND.

IT'S SO EASY.

>> Stephen: HATE IS EASY.

>> HOW MANY THINGS DOW HATE.

YOU LIVE IN SUCH A-- .

>> Stephen: I WAS NOT A YOU LAED TO SAY HATE GROWING UP.

>> YOU WEREN'T A YOU TLOOD SAY HATE.

>> Stephen: MY MOTHER DID NOT ALLOW US TO SAY HATE,

YOU HAD TO SAY I DISLIKE INTENSELY.

HATE SAY COROSSIVE.

>> THAT'S SO MIDWESTERN.

THAT IS SO-- .

>> Stephen: I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.

>> SAME.

MY FAMILY WE JUST HATED EVERYBODY.

IT WAS-- .

>> Stephen: SO INSTEAD OF SUNDAY MOVIE NIGHT IT WAS SUNDAY LET'S HATE SOMEBODY NIGHT.

>> MY FIRST THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS HEY SCHMUCK T STARTED

WITH THE CHILDREN, SO YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HATE EVERYBODY INDIVIDUALLY OR DOW HATE BLANKETLY OR PEOPLE INDIVIDUALLY.

>> NO, NO, NO.

THIS BOOK REPRESENTS, I SPEAK FOR EVERYBODY.

AND-- EVERYBODY-- .

>> Stephen: I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE, MADAME.

>> I SPEAK FOR EVERYBODY-- EVERYBODY HATES SOMETHING.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO START.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO START.

DO YOU WANT TO START WITH CHILDREN ON PLANES.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> LADY, LADY, LADY.

WHERE IS CASEY ANTHONY WHEN YOU NEED HER.

I MEAN-- .

>> Stephen: I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR JOINING US ON MY LAST SHOW.

IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL SEVEN YEARS.

>> BUT I MEAN EVERYBODY HATES CERTAIN THINGS AND I JUST PUT DOWN ON THE BOOK

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME.

>> Stephen: ARE THESE THINGS YOU HATED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE OR NEW HATE.

>> OH, ALL NEW.

THE OLYMPICS.

>> Stephen: YOU HATE THE OLYMPICS.

>> IT WAS LIKE BERLIN, 1937,

PAUL McCARTNEY, HEY JEW, I JUST TAKE OFFENSE.

AND THE QUEEN APPLAUDED.

GOOD IDEA.

SHE WAS PRETTY.

>> Stephen: THE QUEEN WAS.

YOU KNOW SHE DIDN'T SEEM THAT HAPPY.

>> YOU THINK SO.

>> Stephen: I THINK SHE WAS JUST WORN OUT BECAUSE SHE SAY BOND GIRL NOW AND YOU

KNOW 007 TAG ADD THAT.

>> I'VE ONLY SEEN HER ON A STAMP SO I WENT OVER AND LICKED THE BAG OF HER HEAD.

>> Stephen: YOU WORK EVERY DAY, THE HARDEST WORKING WOMAN IN SHOW BUSINESS.

>> I LOVE WHAT I DO.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE SUCH A ROLE MOD TOLD THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND

HARD WORK.

>> WHO CARES.

>> Stephen: DOW HATE YOUNG PEOPLE.

>> I HATE YOUNG PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: I DON'T TRUST THEM.

THEY ARE HERE TO REPLACE US.

>> I DON'T LIKE ANYONE WHOSE BREASTS ARE ABOVE HER BELT.

I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

WHY DOW HATE YOU.

>> BECAUSE, KUZ I HATE PEOPLE.

I HATE OLD PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T LOOK OLD.

>> YEAH, WELL, WE KNOW WHY.

IN THE DRESSING ROOM THERE'S ALL THE EXTRA SKIN, I TOOK IT AND MADE ANOTHER LITTLE PERSON.

IT SITS RIGHT BESIDE ME.

>> Stephen: TOMORROW NIGHT'S GUEST.

>> IT'S TOMORROW NIGHT'S GUEST.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: SO I AM GOING TO ASK YOU SOME POLITICAL QUESTIONS.

>> DON'T.

>> Stephen: WHEN I LOOKED THROUGH THE BOOK THERE IS REALLY NOTHING POLITICAL IN HERE.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET POLITICAL BUT EVERYTHING IN AMERICA TODAY IS POLITICAL.

LIKE OUR FOOD'S EVEN POLITICAL.

OUR CHICKEN SANDWICHES HAVE TO BE POLITICAL NOW.

HOW DO YOU AVOID IT.

>> LUCKILY I HAVE SPLEPT WITH SO MANY PRESIDENTS OVER THE YEARS THAT, WHERE DO YOU START.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

>> Stephen: YOU SLEPT WITH TEDDY.

>> HE WAS SOME ROUGHRIDER.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: BULLY.

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO STOP?

>> WHY?

>> Stephen: BECAUSE-- YOU ARE EXHAUSTED.

>> I LOVE THE BUSINESS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO DIE BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE LUCKY FOR

YOU F I DIED TODAY ON THIS SHOW.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND-- YOUR AUDIENCE THE REST OF THEIR LIVES YOU COULD SAY WE WERE THERE.

WE SAW IT.

SHE WAS TALKING TO HIM.

>> Stephen: JOAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

JOAN RIVERS, EVERYBODY.

I HATE EVERYONE STARTING WITH ME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)