Terror a New One

  • Aired:  09/28/10
  •  | Views: 93,125

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by rubbing your neck with pork sausage, and protect your privacy by wearing costumes to the March to Keep Fear Alive. (5:35)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BAN,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, NATION, AS I'M SURE YOU

ALL KNOW, ON OCTOBER 30th, I

AM HOLDING THE MARCH TO KEEP

FEAR ALIVE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UNLESS, UNLESS THE SUN EXPLODES,

INCINERATING HALF THE EARTH AND

CASTING THE OTHER HALF INTO

ETERNAL NIGHT, WHICH MANY

SCIENTISTS COULD SAY MIGHT

HAPPEN.

NOW, IT'S A RALLY ABOUT FEAR,

AND I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU ARE

PROBABLY TERRIFIED THAT YOU

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BE SCARED OF.

[LAUGHTER]

IS IT THE IMMIGRANTS WHO CAME

HERE AFTER OUR GRANDPARENTS?

IS IT KATY PERRY'S BREASTS?

OR IS IT THE FACT THAT YOUR ONLY

SON LOVES "GLEE" SO MUCH AND

DOESN'T SEEM INTERESTED IN KATY

PERRY'S BREASTS?

WELL, I WILL GIVE YOU A COUPLE

OF THINGS TO BE AFRAID OF RIGHT

NOW.

FIRST OF ALL, JON STEWART'S

RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY.

OH, OH, SANITY, I KNOW, LET'S

ALL GO TO LITTLE CAESAR'S AND

GET REGULAR BREAD.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME REMIND YOU...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, NOBODY WANTS THAT.

NOBODY WANTS THAT.

AND LET ME REMIND YOU OF AN

OLDDY BUT A GOODY -- MUSLIMS.

BUT, STEPHEN, STEPHEN, YOU'RE

SAYING, ISLAM IS A RELIGION OF

PEACE.

NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE BAD.

CERTAINLY WE CAN LIVE SIDE BY

SIDE.

YES.

BUT CAN WE BE DEAD SIDE BY SIDE?

NOT ACCORDING TO THE RESIDENTS

OF SYDNEY, NEW YORK, WHO ARE SO

TERRIFIED OF ISLAM THAT THEY'RE

DEMANDING THAT MUSLIMS DIG UP

THE BODIES OF THEIR RELATIVES IN

A PRIVATE MUSLIM CEMETERY.

AFTER ALL, HOW DARE THOSE

MUSLIMS BUILD A GRAVE SO CLOSE

TO GROUND.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT KEEP IN MIND, KEEP IN MIND,

FOLKS, THEY'RE NOT ASKING THE

LIVE MUSLIMS TO LEAVE, ONLY THE

DEAD ONES.

NOW, USUALLY WHEN YOU DIE YOUR

THREAT LEVEL DECREASES

SIGNIFICANTLY.

BUT EVIDENTLY NOT WITH MUSLIMS.

THEY GET SCARIER.

WHICH CAN ONLY LEAD TO ONE

LOGICAL YET TERRIFYING

CONCLUSION -- MUSLIM VAMPIRES.

[SCREAMING]

AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOT JUST SLEEPER CELLS, SLEEPER

IN COFFIN CELLS.

REMEMBER, A CRUCIFIX WON'T STOP

MUSLIM VAMPIRES.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT LITTLE

STATUES OF JESUS, AND IF YOU TRY

TO SHOW THEM A DRAWING OF

MUHAMMAD, IT JUST MAKES THEM

MADDER.

SO NATION...

[APPLAUSE]

PROTECT YOURSELF.

PROTECT YOURSELF FROM MUSLIM

VAMPIRES BY MAKING YOUR NECK

NON-HALAL.

RUB IT WITH PORK SAUSAGE, OR

BETTER YET, WEAR A BACON

TURTLENECK.

ALSO, ALSO, KEEP A BASEBALL BAT

BY YOUR BED.

NOT FOR THE VAMPIRES, BUT FOR

THE RACCOONS THE BACON WILL

ATTRACT.

NOW, SPEAKING OF MY MARCH TO

KEEP FEAR ALIVE 30BG9th, I

LEARNED SOMETHING FROM PAPA BEAR

BILL O'REILLY THAT IS TRULY

FRIGHTENING.

JIM?

>> ALL RIGHT.

MY DUMBEST THING OF THE WEEK IS

OUR PALS JON STEWART AND STEPHEN

COLBERT.

>> NOW, THERE'S NO ACCIDENT

THAT'S ON THE EVE OF HALLOWEEN,

AND IF YOU WANT TO GO DOWN D.C.

AND SEE THOSE GUYS, YOU'LL HAVE

THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER.

>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.

MY FEAR MARCH IS ON HALLOWEEN

WEEKEND.

I HAD NO IDEA.

[LAUGHTER]

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I DIDN'T PICK

THIS DATE.

IT WAS CHOSEN BY A HIGHER POWER.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT OCCURS TO ME

THAT HAVING THE MARCH THAT

WEEKEND IS SERENDIPITOUS, AND I

DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD

MEANS.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE THINK ABOUT IT, FOLKS,

THERE ARE DARK SHADOWY FORCES

OUT THERE THAT DON'T WANT THIS

MARCH TO HAPPEN.

WE KNOW THEY'LL BE TAKING NAMES,

BUT THEY CANNOT INTIMIDATE US IF

THEY DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO COME TO

THE MARCH IN COSTUMES.

DISGUISE.

DISGUISE, YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DISGUISED AS WHATEVER I'VE

TAUGHT YOU TO FEAR.

MAYBE IT'S A BEAR.

MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A MUSLIM

VAMPIRE.

OR A LIBERAL MONSTER LIKE AL

FRANKENSTEIN OR A BIAS NEWSMAN

LIKE WEREWOLF BLITZER OR EVEN A

SEXY WITCH.

AND PERHAPS, AND PERHAPS, FOLKS,

THAT NIGHT PEOPLE COULD THROW

FEAR PARTIES OR YOUNG PENAL CAN

GO DOOR-TO-DOOR SCARING THEIR

NEIGHBORS WITH TRICKS UNLESS

THEY'RE PAID OFF WITH SOME KIND

OF SUGARY TREAT, PERHAPS REESES

PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, THE SCARIEST

CANDY OF ALL BECAUSE I BELIEVE

IT'S MADE FROM PIECES OF REESE

WITHSPOON.

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HER LATELY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO GO TO KEEPFEARALIVE.COM.

CLICK ON OUR FACEBOOK LINK, AND

RSVP TO THE MARCH RIGHT NOW.

OTHERWISE THE NEXT POKE YOU

RECEIVE ON FACEBOOK WILL BE FROM

THE GRIM REAPER HIMSELF.

WHO, BY THE WAY, IS

Loading...