Violent Black Friday

  • Aired:  11/28/11
  •  | Views: 33,202

The orgy of Black Friday Christmas shopping proves that America is back, and Americans will get their gifts by any means necessary. (3:25)

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU,

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO YOU HAVE WITH US,

FOLKS.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN JUST ONE

MOMENT, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: I'LL BE WITH YOU

IN JUST A MINUTE.

I'M JUST FINISHING SOME

ON-LINE HOLIDAY SHOPPING, A

NICE DEAL ON A KINDL FIRE,

THAT WILL MAKE A GREAT

COASTER FOR MY iPAD.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS, THERE AND DONE.

WITH CHRISTMAS.

OKAY.

OF COURSE, FOLKS, TODAY IS

CYBERMONDAY.

WHEN EVERYBODY MOBS THE

ON-LINE STORES FOR THE BIG

HOLIDAY SALES.

NOW TO BEAT THE RUSH LAST

NIGHT I CAMPED OUT IN FRONT

OF MY COMPUTER.

WAITING FOR THE INTERNET TO

OPEN.

CYBERMONDAY IS A FOLLOWUP TO

BLACK FRIDAY, THE DAY AFTER

THANKSGIVING WHEN AMERICANS

AWAKE FROM THEIR TRYPTOPHAN

INDUCED COMA TO TRADE

GLUTTONY FOR GREED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: NOW FOLKS, THIS

WEEKEND WAS A CATEGORY 5

CONSUME-ICANE WITH AMERICANS

SPENDING OVER $52 BILLION.

NATION, THIS ORGY OF

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING PROVES

AMERICA IS BACK!

WE ARE ONCE AGAIN--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES, OH YES, WE

ARE ONCE AGAIN SPENDING

MONEY WE DON'T HAVE ON

THINGS WE DON'T NEED TO GIVE

TO PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES, U.S.A.,

U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!

>> Stephen: OH, YES.

THAT'S LOUD ENOUGH FOR SANTA

TO HEAR YOU AT THE NORTH

POLE.

AND FOLKS, THIS CHRISTMAS WE

ARE PLAYING TO WIN.

JIM?

>> DOOR BUSTER SALES TURNED

VIOLENT ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

>> AN ARMED ROBBER

CONFRONTED A MAN AND HIS

FAMILY DEMANDING THEIR BLACK

FRIDAY PURCHASES.

>> SHOPPERS IN A NEAR RIOT.

YOU HEAR THE SCREAMING,

TRYING TO GET THEIR HANDS ON

SOME $2 WAFFLE IRONS.

>> Stephen: NOW THAT SOUNDS

OUTRAGE US BUT REMEMBER A $2

WAFFLE IRON CAN BE USED TO

BLUDGEON OTHERS WHEN ARE YOU

GOING FOR THAT $50 FLAT

SCREEN.

BUT FOLKS IF THAT'S TOO

VIOLENT FOR YOU THERE ARE

MORE PEACEFUL METHODS.

>> IN L.A. A WOMAN SPRAYED

FELLOW SHOPPERS WITH PEPPER

SPRAY TO TRY AND GET HER

HANDS ON AN XBOX.

>> Stephen: GOOD FOR HER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: I SAY THE XBOX

PEOPLE SHOULD TURN THAT INTO

A GAME.

CALL OF DUTY BLACK FRIDAY

OFF.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THE POINT IS-- THE

POINT IS YOU HAVE GOT TO GET

YOUR GIFTS BY ANY MEANS

NECESSARY.

BUT IT IS THE HOLIDAY SEASON

CELEBRATING JESUS, THE

PRINCE OF PEACE SO PLEASE

USE NONLETHAL FORCE ONLY.

PEPPER SPRAY, TEAR GAS, BEAN

BAG BULLETS AND TAZERS, ALL

OF WHICH I BELIEVE ARE

AVAILABLE AT WAL-MART.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT FOLKS, THEY'RE GOING

FAST SO REMEMBER, BRING