Rainbow-Stuffed Gay Pride Oreo

  • Aired:  06/27/12
  •  | Views: 37,483

No matter how innocent America's foodstuff may seem, every morsel should be fraught with divisive partisan meaning. (3:47)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE CHECKED THE NEWSPAPERS, BUT FOR

THOSE OF YOU WHO WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION, IT IS GAY PRIDE MONTH.

AND THE SIGNS ARE EVERYWHERE.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR PRIDE PARADES.

YOU'VE GOT YOUR RAINBOW FLAGS.

EVEN THE PENTAGON HELD THEIR FIRST-EVER PRIDE CELEBRATION BUT THERE'S BEEN ONE EXPRESSION OF

PRIDE THAT COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED ME.

>> AMERICA'S FAVORITE COOKIE IS STIRRING UP SOME CONTROVERSY.

>> KRAFT FOODS POSTED A GAY PRIDE VERSION OF THE ORO COOKIE ON ITS FACEBOOK PANG.

IT'S STUFFED WITH SIX LAYERS OF FROSTING IN THE COLORS OF THE

RAINBOW FLAG HEADLINED, "JUNE 25, PRIDE." AND IT SAYS, "PROUDLY SUPPORT LOVE."

>> Stephen: GOOD GOD!

OREOS ARE GAY!

AND THE THINGS I'VE DONE WITH THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) ALL THOSE NIGHTS LYING IN BED,

CRAMMING FOUR OR FIVE IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE, SPLITTING THEM OPEN AND LICKING THE CREAM OFF.

I MEAN, I SHOULD HAVE-- FOLKS, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS FISHY WHEN THESE HOMO-SNACK-UALS

GOT ME TO ACCEPT CONSENSUAL DOUBLE STUFFING.

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS THAT WITH THIS ACTION, KRAFT HAS FINALLY PROVEN WHAT I HAVE

ALWAYS SAID-- THERE IS NOTHING IN AMERICA THAT CAN ESCAPE THE GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF OUR

CULTURE WARS.

I MEAN, I'D BEGUN TO FEAR THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING LEFT THAT WOULD NOT DIVIDE US.

I MEAN, I WAS NAIVE ENOUGH TO THINK THAT A COOKIE COULD BE SIMPLY A DELICIOUS TREAT TO BE

ENJOYED WITHOUT GETTING DRAWN INTO A SOCIOSEXUAL IDENTITY POLITICS.

WHAT A FOOL I WAS!

AND NOW THAT ORIOS HAVE COME OUT OF THE PANTRY-- ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I BELIEVE-- I BELIEVE, I KNOW ALL SNACK FOOD MUST TAKE SIDES.

TWINKIES, I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AFTER ALL, YOUR MASCOT IS A NAKED MAN IN A COWBOY HAT.

AND ALMOND JOY'S GOT NUTS.

MOUNDS-- I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M PPOSED TO DO WITH ANIMALSU CRACKERS.

THAT IS SICK.

FOLKS WE MUST NOT LIMIT OUR PARTISANSHIP TO GAY RIGHTS.

I NEED TO KNOW WHERE ALL MY FOOD STANDS ON EVERY HOT BUTTON ISSUES.

WHERE DO FROSTED FLAKES COME DOWN ON TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUNDS.

I BET TONY THE TIGER THINKS THEY'RE A GRRRRROSS INVASION OF PRIVACY.

( APPLAUSE ) AND IT IS TIME FOR LIFE TO TAKE A STAND AND SLAP "PRO" ON THAT BOX.

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW INNOCENT,

HOW INNOCENT OUR FOODSTUFF MAY SEEM, EVERYTHING WE CONSUME MUST BE FRAUGHT WITH DIVISIVE

POLITICAL MEANING AND I'M NOT LETTING YOU OFF, WATER.

TWO HYDROGENS, ONE OXYGEN.

I WILL NOT STAND IF YOUR FREAKY MOLECULAR THREE-WAY.

YOU EITHER DROP ONE OR I START SHOWING IN JACK DANIEL'S.

BY THE WAY, JACK-DANIEL, YOU BETTER JUST BE ROOMMATES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )