Stephen Colbert's South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate - Save the Date

  • Aired:  12/07/11
  •  | Views: 44,452

To fill the enormous void left by Donald Trump's debate debacle, Stephen sets the date of his GOP debate in stone. (3:36)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT,"

EVERYBODY!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, LAST NIGHT I TOLD YOU

ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S PLAN TO

HOST A REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY THE PERFECT

PERSON TO DO IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD

FOR IT.

ASK DRUM.

>> THIS IS A NEWS MAX DEBATE.

NEWS MAX IS A POWERFUL

ORGANIZATION, GOOD ORGANIZATION,

AND THEY ASKED ME TO DO IT.

I SAID I WOULD DO IT.

THE CANDIDATES HAVE COME UP TO

TRUMP TOWER.

I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THEM.

EVERYONE WANTS MY ENDORSEMENT.

I REPRESENT MILLIONS AND

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK

AT THE WEB SITES.

BUT I REMEMBER JUST MILLIONS OF

PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: MILLIONS OF

PEOPLE.

AND THAT'S JUST HIS MAKE-UP

TEAM.

NOW, UNFORTUNATELY JON HUNTSMAN,

RON PAUL AND MITT ROMNEY HAVE

ALL SAID THEY WOULD NOT APPEAR

AT HIS T DEBATE, SO TRUMP'S

DEBATE IS GOING DOWN HIS

GOLD-PLATED CRAPPER.

SO TO FILL THE ENORMOUS VOID,

LAST NIGHT I ANNOUNCED THAT I

WOULD BE HOSTING STEPHEN

COLBERT'S SOUTH CAROLINA SERIOUS

CLASSY REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

YES.

I'LL JOIN YOU.

I'LL JOIN YOU ON THAT ONE.

I DESERVE IT, DON'T ANY I

DESERVE THAT A LITTLE BIT.

AND FOLKS, FOLKS, IT'S

HAPPENING.

WE'RE DOING IT.

WE HAVE SET THE STATE IN STONE.

SOME TIME IN JANUARY.

OKAY.

LET'S GET THAT STONE.

OKAY.

IT'S GOING TO BE ON ANIMAL

PLANET.

THEY HAVEN'T RETURNED MY CALLS

YET, BUT THEY'RE BUSY.

IT'S WALLABY WEEK, THE WALLABY,

OF COURSE, THE GREATEST

MARSUPIAL EVER TO HOP THE FACE

OF AUSTRALIA.

SORRY, KANGAROO, YOU'RE

YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

THE POINT IS ANIMAL PLANET, CALL

ME OR DON'T.

I GOT A MILLION OTHER NETWORKS

INTERESTED, BET, OXYGEN,

CINEMAX, THAT'S RIGHT, ALL THE

G.O.P. CANDIDATES NUDE IN THE

CHAMPAGNE ROOM PUTTING THEM ON

THE GLASS, BUT TASTEFUL.

NOW I FEEL FOR DONALD.

HE CALLED ME LAST NIGHTMENT HE

CRIED.

WE TALKED.

HE WAS A GENTLEMAN ABOUT IT.

I GOT ALL THE RESPECT IN THE

WORLD FOR THIS GUY.

OKAY.

THAT SAID, HE'S A PUNCH LINE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S A PILE OF JOKE DUST COUGHED

UP BY CARROT TOP, CLASSIEST

VEGETABLE TOP PROP COMIC IN THE

HISTORY OF VEGAS.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS THE KING IS

DEAD, LONG LIVE THE KING, I AM

THE KING OF DEBATES.

THIS WILL BE THE FINEST DEBATE

EVER TELEVISED.

ALL THE CANDIDATES ARE INVITED,

INCLUDING JOHN McCAIN, BACK,

BACK FROM REDEMPTION ISLAND,

BEST SURPRISE TWIST IN TV DEBATE

HISTORY.

AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE

SURROUNDED BY ELEGANCE UP ON THE

STAGE.

EACH PODIUM GETSERS OWN

CHANDELIER.

THE AUDIENCE ALL HAVE DIMMER

SWITCHES.

IF THEY LIKE WHAT A CANDIDATE

SAYS, THEY TURN IT UP.

THEY DEN LIKE IT, THEY TURN IT

DOWN.

ALL SCIENTIFIC.

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE EXPERTS

FOR THE QUESTIONSEN ON THE

ECONOMY, MIKE GREENLAY, FOREIGN

POLICY, EVA LONGORIA.

GREAT LADY, NUMBER ONE CABOOSE

IN PRIME TIME.

MAKES KELLY RIPA LOOK LIKE A HOG

AT THE TROUGH.

I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE KELLY IS

A FRIEND.

KELLY, LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

SO THIS IS THE MOST REAL ACTUAL

DEBATE EVER.

I AM ON THE SOUTH CAROLINA

REPUBLICAN PRIMARY LIKE WHITE ON

THE

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