Pope Francis on Baptizing Martians

  • Aired:  05/14/14
  •  | Views: 10,537

Pope Francis takes inclusiveness to a new level by claiming that he would gladly baptize an alien from Mars. (3:01)

WELCOME TO THE REPORT EVERYBODY

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

NATION, LONG-TIME VIEWERSOF THE SHOW WILL KNOW THAT I

DON'T LIKE TO HARP ON THESAME THINGS NIGHT AFTER

NIGHT BUT SOME THINGS AREJUST TOO IMPORTANT.

FOR INSTANCE, I HAVE SAID ITMANY TIMES, I AM NO FAN OF

POPE FRANCIS.

I SAID IT MANY TIMES I'M NOFAN OF POPE FRANCIS.

SEE, NOW I'VE SAID, I'VESAID IT MANY TIMES, MANY

TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)EVER SINCE HE TOOK OVER AT

HEAD OF THE CHURCH HE'S BEENA LITTLE TOO WELCOMING TO

ALL GOD'S CHILDREN.

JUST LAST YEAR HE SAIDEVEN ATHEISTS CAN GO TO HEAVEN.

GREAT IDEA, FRANK.

FIRST DOGS, NOW ATHEISTS.

WHAT IS NEXT, PRESBYTERIANS?IT'S MADNESS.

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUTATHEISTS GETTING INTO HEAVEN

IS I'D BE ABLE TO WALK UP TOTHEM AND SAY I TOLD YOU SO.

THAT IS MY IDEA OF PARADISE.

WELL NOW POPE MOONBEAM OVERHERE HAS DRIVEN HIS WELCOME

WAGON WHERE NO POPE HAS GONEBEFORE BECAUSE AT MASS ON

MONDAY THE PONTIFF SAID IFFOR EXAMPLE TOMORROW AN

EXPEDITION OF MARTIANS CAMEAND SOME OF THEM CAME TO US

HERE, MARTIANS, RIGHT, GREEN,WITH THE LONG NOSE AND BIG EARS

JUST LIKE CHILDREN PAINT THEM.AND ONE SAYS BUT I WANT TO BE

BAPTIZED. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

WHEN THE LORD SHOWS US THEWAY WHO ARE WE TO SAY NO,

LORD, IT'S NOT PRUDENT, NO LET'SDO IT THIS WAY, WHO ARE WE TO

CLOSE DOORS.

YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, FOLKS.

POPE FRANCIS WOULD BAPTIZE AMARTIAN.

OF COURSE FIRST HE'D HAVE TOCONVERT THEM FROM SCIENTOLOGY.

NOT THAT I FIND HIS PREMISEIMPLAUSIBLE.

IF AN EMISSARY CAME HEREFROM A CULTURE ADVANCED

ENOUGH TO TRAVERSE OUR SOLARSYSTEM, LAND ON OUR PLANET,

COMMUNICATE WITH HUMANS, THEVERY FIRST THING IT WOULD DO

WOULD BE TO SEEK OUT THE MANWITH THE FUNNIEST HAT AND ASK

HIM FOR A HEAD BATH.

BUT BAPTIZING ALIENS IS WAYOVER THE LINES.

GOD WAS VERY CLEAR ON THISPOINT IN ISAIAH 45:12. TURN TO

ME AND BE SAVED ALL THE ENDS OFTHE EARTH, END OF THE EARTH.

IF AN ALIEN WANTS TO BE INTHE CATHOLIC CHURCH, HE

SHOULD HAVE BEEN RAISED HEREBY CHRISTIANS ON A KANSAS

FARM LIKE CARDINAL SUPERMANWAS.

PLUS ONCE WE BAPTIZE THEALIENS IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF

TIME BEFORE THEY WANT TO TAKECOMMUNION. AND ASK YOURSELF

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THE ONEPLACING A SMALL DELICATE

WAFER INTO THIS?

GAME OVER, MAN.

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