Operation Artificial Swedener - C'mon Sweden, Take a Chance on Stephen

  • Aired:  06/21/12
  •  | Views: 36,951

Only one obstacle stands between Stephen and the Swedish tweeting supremacy, so Stephen makes a poetic last appeal. (5:12)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE.

VERY NICE.

WELCOME BACK.

REGULAR VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW KNOW THAT AS SWEDEN, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY'S TWITTER FEED HAS BEEN

TURNED OVER TO A NEW SWEDE EVERY WEEK TO DRUM UP INTEREST IN SWEDEN.

BUT BY HANDING IT TO EVERY TOM,

DICK, AND PORED VOTE, IT HAS EMBROILED THE COUNTRY IN CONTROVERSY BECAUSE SO FAR THE

OFFICIAL TWEETING SWEDES-- OR TWEEDS -- HAVE DISCUSSED MASTURBATION AND ASKED WHAT'S

THE FUZZ WITH JEWS?

I CAN ANSWER THAT ONE.

THE FUZZ IS CALLED PEZ.

SO LAST WEEK I STEPPED UP AND GRACIOUSLY OFFERED TO BE THE VOICE OF SWEDEN, BUT MONDAY,

SWEDEN RESPOND, "COLBERT WILL HAVE TO WAIT."

( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE TELLS ME TO BE PATIENT!

THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!

CALM DOWN, COLBERT.

COUNT TO 10.

ONE.

TO CLAIM WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY MINE I HAVE LAUNCHED OPERATION ARTIFICIAL SWEDENER, URGING YOU,

MEMBERS OF THE COLBERT NATION,

TO BOMBARD THE SWEDES ON TWITTER UNTIL THEY GIVE IT TO ME, AND YOU UNLEASHED A TWIT-SKRIEG, AND

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST REPORT FROM THE LOCAL DOT-COM,

SWEDISH'S PREMIERE LOCAL ONLINE NEWS SOURCE, TO SWEDEN TO REVEAL

COLBERT TWITTER NEWS NEXT WEEK.

WE ARE SO CLOSE NATION.

I HAVE SWEDISH FEVER.

I'VE GOT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE

OBSTACLE STANDING BETWEEN ME AND THE SWEDISH TWEETING SUPREMACY-- JOHANAS CARLSON, HEAD OF

P.R. AND SOCIAL MEDIA, "OF COURSE WE'RE VERY FLATTERED COLBERT IS INTERESTED, THOUGH

WE'RE CONCERNED HE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GIVE AN AUTHENTIC VIEW OF THE COUNTRY."

HOW DARE YOU, SIR!

I'VE MADE A LONG STUDY OF YOUR NATION'S HISTORY, FROM ITS FOUNDING BY HAGAR THE HORRIBLE,

TO ITS RENOWNED HERDS OF SNOW GIRAFFES.

NOW, I'VE BEEN NICE ABOUT THIS BUT SWEDEN HAS BEEN THE AGGRESSOR.

FIRST, SONIA ABRAMSON, THE JEW-FUZZ GIRL, SAID, FORGET ABOUT YOUR SWEDISH TWITTER

ACCOUNT OBSESSION AND TOLD ME TO STUFF OUR SWEDISH MEAT BALLS.

REALLY.

WELL, SONIA, KISS MY LINCOLNBERRY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I'M SORRY FOR THE SALTY TALK.

AND THE CURRENT HOLDER OF THE SWEDISH TWITTER THRONE, ELLEN FORCELLIETH, HIDING BEHIND ONE

OF SWEDEN'S NATIVE POTTED PALMS,

GLOATED IN THIS TWEET-- JUST ENJOYING THAT I'VE GOT SOMETHING

THAT COLBERT WANTS AND CAN'T HAVE.

IT TRUE.

I WANT FREEDOM FROM TALK GOOD GRAMMAR.

COLBERT SAD.

AND COLBERT ALSO WANT THAT TWITTER FEED.

AND IF I'M NOT GRANTED CONTROL OF@SWEDEN BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK, I AM NEVER THOUGHT WHEN I

STARTED THIS SHOW SEVEN YEARS AGO, THAT I WOULD EVER BE SAYING

THESE WORDS, "THE COLBERT NATION WILL CUT OFF ALL DIPLOMAT RELATIONS WITH SWEDEN."

I'VE GOT TO.

I'M SORRY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'VE GOT TO.

DON'T I HAVE TO?

I HAVE TO DO THAT.

( APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, FIRST THING WE'LL DO,

OF COURSE, IS EXPEL YOUR AMBASSADOR DOLPH00GRIN.

OF COURSE, I AM A MAN OF PEACE.

SO BEFORE THINGS GET UGLY, LET ME MAKE A LAST APPEAL WITH THE WORDS OF SWEDEN'S GREATEST

LIVING POETS, BENNY AND BJORN.

♪ IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND I'M THE FIRST IN LINE.

♪ I'M STILL FREE TAKE A CHANCE ON ME.

♪ IF YOU NEED LET ME KNOW GONNA BE AROUND.

♪ IF YOU GOT NOPLAY TO GO IF YOU'RE FEELING DOWN.

♪ IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE WHEN THE GRITTY BIRDS HAVE FLOWN.

♪ HONEY I'M STILL FREE, TAKE A CHANCE ON ME.

♪ GONNA DO MY VERY BEST AND IT AIN'T NO LIE.

♪ IF YOU PUT ME TO THE TEST, IF YOU LET ME TRY.

COME ON, SWEDEN!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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