Tip/Wag - Litigious Cheerleaders, Pope Francis & China

  • Aired:  02/03/14
  •  | Views: 54,328

Cheerleaders accuse the Oakland Raiders of wage theft, the Pope goes mainstream, and China officially bans cigarettes from elementary schools. (7:15)

I'M IN NO POSITION TO JUDGEOTHERS.

THERE, THAT'S BETTER.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OFTHE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE SUPER BOWL IS ONE OF THE

BIGGEST EVENTS OF THE YEARBECAUSE FOOTBALL IS AMERICA'S

GAME.

WE ALL LOVE IT!

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, FOLKS, SOMEPEOPLE OUT THERE AREN'T CHEERING

FOR OUR N.F.L. HEROES.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUTTHE CHEERLEADERS.

>> THE OAKLAND RAIDERS ARE BEINGSUED BY THE TEAM'S CHEERLEADERS,

CURRENT AND FORMER RAIDERETTES.

THEY ACCUSE THE TEAM OF WAGETHEFT AND UNFAIR EMPLOYMENT

PRACTICES.

>> THEY CLAIM WHEN THE SEASONWAS ALL SAID AND DONE THE

CHEERLEADERS MADE LESS THAN $5AN HOUR.

>> WHAT ARE THEY COMPLAININGABOUT?

AT LEAST WE PAY THEM!

I MEAN, THE REFS HAVE TO TAKE ASECOND JOB AT THE FOOT LOCKER.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINGER TO LITIGIOUSCHEERLEADERS.

THE N.F.L. CAN'T GIVECHEERLEADERS RAISES.

IF THEY HAVE MORE MONEY THEYMIGHT BE ABLE TO AFFORD MORE

CLOTHING!

HOW CAN WE KNOW THEY'RE EXCITEDIF WE CAN'T COUNT THEIR RIBS?

(LAUGHTER)AND FOLKS, IF COLLECTIVE

ACTION WORKS IN THIS CASE ITCOULD LEAD TO A CHEERLEADER

UNION.

SOON YOU'LL BE IN THE STANDSREVVED UP BY THIS GUY.

DON'T TOUCH HIS POM-POM, ONLY HECAN MOVE THE POM-POM.

(LAUGHTER)FRANKLY, FRANKLY, I HAVE TO SAY,

FOLKS, THIS MAKES ME QUESTIONEVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW

ABOUT CHEERLEADERS.

MAYBE THEY REALLY DID WANT TOTALK TO ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT I WAS TOO HOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I'M

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I'M

NO FAN OF POPE FRANCIS.

I KNOW HE'S GOD'S VOICE ON EARTHBUT SOMETIMES HE COMES OFF AS

PREACHY.

(LAUGHTER)WELL LOOKY LOOK WHO'S ON THE

CURRENT ISSUE OF "ROLLINGSTONE."

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S DAFT PONTIFF.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSET AT"ROLLING STONE" SINCE THEIR 1993

COVER FEATURING MOTHER TERESA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)SO, YO, I'M MAD, TOO.

OH, I'M MAD, TOO.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG.

SO I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGERTO THE POPE FOR GOING

MAINSTREAM!

WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU'RE HEARING HIS ENCYCLICALS IN STARBUCKS?

WE REAL POPE-HEADS ARE ONLYINTO THE EARLY STUFF, LIKE FELIX

THE THIRD. I MEAN 483 TO 492?

THAT IS OLDSCHOOL!

HIS REPUDIATION OF THE HEROTICONOF EMPEROR ZENO AT THE

BEGINNING OF THE ACACIAN SCHISM,THAT IS MY JAM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I SAY FORGET THIS SELLOUT POPE

I'M MORE INTO TAWADROS IIOF ALEXANDRIA.

HE'S BIG IN EGYPT BUT HE HASN'TBROKEN IN THE STATES YET SO YOU

PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIM.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, LONG-TIMEVIEWERS OF THE "REPORT" KNOW I'M

NO FAN OF CHINA.

FOR ONE THING, WHY DON'T ANY OFTHEIR ATHLETES HAVE SKIN?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)BUT EVEN I WAS DISAPPOINTED WHEN

CHINA'S CENTRAL GOVERNMENTBANNED CIGARETTES FROM

KINDERGARTENS AND ELEMENTARYSCHOOLS.

(BOOS)YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

FROM NOW ON IF CHINESE STUDENTSWANT TO SMOKE THEY'LL V TO GET

THEIR SMOOTH FLAVOR FROM THESKY.

(LAUGHTER)SO FOLKS I -- TONIGHT I'M GIVING

A WAG OF MY FINGER TO CHINA.

AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE,BUT CHINA IS THE LAND OF FREEDOM

FROM REGULATION.

IT'S THE ONLY COUNTRY ON EARTHWHERE DRY WALL IS A FLAVOR OF

TOOTHPASTE.

(LAUGHTER)I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KICKED

THEIR OWN CHILDREN OUT OFMARLBOROUGH COMPANY.

THE JUMP OFF THE TOBACCO DRAGONWON'T BE EASY.

THEY GET HOOKED EARLY CHINA.

THIS IS THEIR PACIFIER.

BY THE WAY, SPEAKING OF CHINA.

CHINA.

THE FOLKS, BACK IN DECEMBER ISHARED MY OUTRAGE THAT THE

MOON-- AMERICA'S MOON-- HADALLOWED A CHINESE ROVER, THE

JADE RABBIT, TO LAND ON ITSSURFACE EVEN THOUGH THE MOON'S

CLEARLY NOT OVER US YET.

WHY ELSE WOULD IT KEEP LOOKINGTHROUGH OUR WINDOWS AT NIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)BUT HUNAN, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> CHINA'S MOON ROVER HASAPPARENTLY BROKEN DOWN ON THE

LUNAR SURFACE.

OFFICIALS SAY SOMETHING HAS GONEWRONG WITH THE JADE RABBIT'S

MECHANICAL CONTROLS.

THEY BELIEVE IT WAS CAUSED BYTHE "COMPLICATED LUNAR SURFACE

ENVIRONMENT."

>> THE ROVER HAS TO GO INTOHIBERNATION MODE WHEN IT GETS

EXCEPTIONALLY COLD AND A GLITCHISN'T LETTING DO IT THAT.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT A RAREDOUBLE WAG OF MY FINGER TO

CHINA.

(TWO GONGS)(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, NOT JUST FOR INVADING OURMOON WITH THEIR ROVER, BUT FOR

TRYING TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT IT!

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

CHINA'S ACTUAL OFFICIALSTATEMENT ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WAS

WRITTEN FROM THE POINT OF VIEWOF THE DOOMED ROVER.

JIM?

>> "MY MASTERS DISCOVEREDSOMETHING ABNORMAL WITH MY

MECHANICAL CONTROLS.

MY MASTERS ARE STAYING UP ALLNIGHT WORKING FOR A SOLUTION.

NEVERTHELESS, I'M AWARE I MIGHTNOT SURVIVE THIS LUNAR NIGHT."

>> Stephen: NO, NO, FOLKS, THATSTUFF HAPPENS.

GO ON.

>> "BEFORE DEPARTURE I STUDIEDTHE HISTORY OF MANKIND'S LUNAR

PROBES.

ABOUT HALF OF THE PAST 130EXPLORATIONS ENDED IN SUCCESS.

THE REST ENDED IN FAILURE.

THIS IS SPACE EXPLORATION.

THE DANGER COMES WITH ITSBEAUTY.

I AM BUT A TINY DOT IN THE VASTPICTURE OF THIS ADVENTURE."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen: DAMN THESE WINTER

ALLERGIES!

THAT SNOWSTORM IS KICKING UP ALOT OF POLLEN.

>> "THE SUN HAS FALLEN AND THETEMPERATURE HAS DARKENED SO

QUICKLY.

TO TELL YOU ALL A SECRET, IDON'T FEEL ALL THAT SAD.

I WAS JUST IN MY OWN ADVENTURESTORY AND LIKE EVERY HERO I

ENCOUNTERED A SMALL PROBLEM.

GOOD NIGHT, EARTH.

GOOD NIGHT, HUMANITY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)6-.

>> Stephen: DAMN IT!

(SOBBING)YOU MADE ME MOURN A PIECE OF

CHINESE TECHNOLOGY!

AND I DIDN'T EVEN DROP THIS ONEIN THE TOILET!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.