Scanner-Defying Pancakes

  • Aired:  12/15/10
  •  | Views: 60,974

Pancakes will allow law-abiding citizens to hide their private parts from the hungry eyes of those TSA perverts. (3:20)

CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY

COMEDY CENTRAL

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE

REPORT," EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

( AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN" ).

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU

SO MUCH.

IT'S RHYTHM LIKE THAT THAT MAKES

ME WANT TO DANCE.

NATION, IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER

WHAT WE DO TO IMPROVE AIRPORT

SECURITY, TERRORISTS COME UP

WITH A NEW WAY TO RETERRIFY US.

FROM TURNING UNDERWEAR INTO A

BOMB TO FORCING TAYLOR SWIFT TO

APPEAR ON THE COVER OF "AMERICAN

WAY" MAGAZINE.

STAY STRONG, TAYLOR.

WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF.

THERE I THOUGHT WE HAD LICKED

THE JIHADIS WITH THE NEW

FULL-BODY SCANNERS.

THOSE THINGS WILL GIVE A

TERRORIST SERIOUS BODY IMAGE

ISSUES, YEAH, LIKE 72 VIRGINS

ARE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH

THOSE LOVE HANDLES.

COME ON.

I GOT SOME BAD NEWS, FOLKS.

IT TURNS OUT THE T.S.A. SCANNERS

CAN BE FOOLED WITH PANCAKES.

( LAUGHTER )

YES.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

ACCORDING TO THE JOURNAL OF

TRANSPORTATION SECURITY, A

LARGE, IRREGULARLY SHAPED SENT

METER-THICK PANCAKE WITH BEVELED

EDGES TAPED TO THE ABDOMEN WOULD

BE INVISIBLE TO THIS TECHNOLOGY.

OH, MY GOD.

I JUST MADE AN IRREGULARLY

SHAPED PANTS-CAKE.

IT'S NO SURPRISE, IT IS NO

SURPRISE, FOLKS, THAT PANCAKES

HAVE JOINED THE GLOBAL JIHAD.

WE HAVE LONG KNOWN THAT THEY'RE

PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL

CONSPIRACY.

( LAUGHTER )

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THESE

PANCAKES WILL ALLOW LAW-ABIDING

CITIZENS TO HIDE OUR PRIVATE

PARTS FROM THE HUNGRY EYES OF

THOSE T.S.A. PERVERTS.

FROM NOW ON WE CAN USE

STRATEGICALLY PLACED PANCAKES TO

COVER OUR SAUCE -- SAUSAGE AND

EGGS.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT, TONIGHT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM PROUD

TO INTRODUCE STEPHEN COLBERT'S

SCANNER-DEFYING PANCAKES.

SHAKE IT UP.

AND THEN POUR THE BATTER DOWN

YOUR PANTS, OKAY, AND THE

SCANNER RADIATION BRINGS THEM TO

A GOLDEN BROWN.

BY THE TIME YOU GET TO YOUR

SEAT, YOU'RE READY TO LEAN BACK,

UNZIP AND PULL OUT YOUR

FLAPJACK.

( LAUGHTER )

OH, MAN, THAT WOULD BE GREAT

COVERED IN SYRUP.

BUT I SHOULD PROBABLY SAVE SOME

FOR THE PANCAKE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

MMM, MMM.

DAMP.

( LAUGHTER )

AND IF YOU LIKE STEPHEN

COLBERT'S SCANNER DEFYING

PANCAKES, TRY OUR WAFFLES.

THEY'LL GIVE YOUR SCANNER IMAG

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