President Obama's Obsessiveness Plea

  • Aired:  10/09/12
  •  | Views: 10,436

In the face of Mitt Romney starting to run for president, President Obama reveals his desperation during a California fundraiser. (3:21)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

"REPORT," EVERYBODY, THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR JOINING US!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE,

NATION --

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

THANK YOU SO MUCH, PLEASE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'RE TOO

KIND TO ME.

NATION, IT HAS BEEN 16 MONTHS

SINCE MITT ROMNEY DECLARED HIS

CANDIDACY-- A MONTH SINCE HE

ACCEPTED THE NOMINATION AND FIVE

DAYS SINCE HE STARTED RUNNING

FOR PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, HE IS SURGING!

NEW POLLS HAVE HIM TIED WITH OR

LEADING THE PRESIDENT AND THE

"NEW YORK TIMES" 538 BLOG NOW

GIVES HIM A 28.6% CHANCE OF

WINNING!

HE IS ON A ROCKET RIDE TO

PLAUSIBLE!

(LAUGHTER)

AND, OF COURSE, IN THE FACE OF

THIS SURGE, OBAMA HAS BECOME

DESPERATE.

YESTERDAY AT A CALIFORNIA FUND

FUND-RAISER HE WARNED THE

AUDIENCE WHAT IT'S GONNA TAKE TO

WIN SAYING "WE'RE ONLY GOING TO

DO IT IF EVERYBODY IS ALMOST

OBSESSIVE FOR THE NEXT 29 DAYS."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT, OBAMA SUPPORTERS,

RIGHT NOW YOU'RE ONLY LOGGED ON

TO HIS WEB SITE, FACEBOOK PAGE,

TWITTER FEED, YOUTUBE CHANNEL,

MOBILE APP, PINTEREST BOARD,

TUMBLR, FLICKR, SPOTIFY, STORIFY

AND INS GRAM.

HE NEEDS YOU TO COMMENCE!

FOLKS, I'M WORRIED OBAMA'S

FOLLOWERS ARE OBSESSIVE ENOUGH

TO PULL THIS THING OFF.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THEY'RE

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE.

HOW ELSE COULD HE HAVE RAISED

$181 MILLION IN DONATIONS LAST

MONTH-- 98% OF WHICH WERE UNDER

$250!

CLEARLY HIS FOLLOWERS CLICK THE

"DONATE" BUTTON, TOUCH ALL THE

DOORKNOBS IN THEIR HOUSE, DONATE

AGAIN, THEN RECHECK THE

DOORKNOBS BECAUSE LAST TIME THEY

MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED ONE OF THEM

IN THE WRONG SPOT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO FOR THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH I

WANT TO ADDRESS ALL OF THE OBAMA

SUPPORTERS OUT THERE.

GUYS, THE PRESIDENT'S COUNTING

ON YOU TO BE OBSESSIVE.

SO ON NOVEMBER 6-YOU SHOULD

DEFINITELY GO VOTE AFTER, OF

COURSE, TURNING THE LIGHT SWITCH

ON AND OFF FIVE TIMES INSTEAD OF

THREE, BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S

WHY HE LOST THE DEBATE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR THE

POLL, MAKE SURE YOUR D.V.D.s ARE

NOT ONLY ALPHABETICAL AND FACING

RIGHT BUT THE DISKS INSIDE HAVE

THEIR LABELS ORIENTED TO 12:00.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THEN GO TO THE CLOSET AND

MAKE SURE THE LACES ON ALL YOUR

ST. LOUIS THE EXACT SAME LENGTH.

THEN GET OUT YOUR KEY SQUARE AND

ALIGN ALL THE TUPPERWARE IN YOUR

FRINGE AT PERFECT RIGHT ANGLES.

THEN BACK TO THE SHOES BECAUSE I

THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE MISLACED

ONE OF THE EYE HOLES.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

YOU'VE GOT TO CHECK THOSE

DOORKNOBS AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN GO VOTE FOR OBAMA.

OH, AFTER YOU FOUND THE LOAF OF

BREAD THAT I'VE HIDDEN IN YOUR

HOUSE WITH THE HEEL TAKEN OUT,

REVERSED AND THEN PUT BACK IN

TWO SPLICES IN, OKAY.

(APPLAUSE)