Fiscal Cliff Negotiations

  • Aired:  12/11/12
  •  | Views: 20,213

The Fiscal Cliff is coming to town, so all pundits are contractually obligated to talk about exciting budgetary policy for the next 20 days. (4:09)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE "REPORT," FOLKS, THANK YOU FOR

JOINING US.

IT'S GREAT TO BE ME.

NATION, IT'S A SPECIAL TIME OF THE YEAR.

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO IT FOR MONTHS NOW.

AND WHEREVER YOU GO YOU CAN SEE THE TWINKLE IN LITTLE CHILDREN'S EYES BECAUSE THEY KNOW IN A FEW

SHORT WEEKS ♪ THE FISCAL CLIFF IS COMING TO TOWN ♪ MERRY CLIFFMAS!

(LAUGHTER) AND WITH A DRAMATIC NAME LIKE FISCAL CLIFF, IT'S GOT TO BE EXCITING.

JIM?

>> THE PRESIDENT IS ASKING FOR $1.6 TRILLION IN REVENUE.

>> $600 BILLION IN TAX HIKES.

>> ENTITLEMENT REFORM.

>> DIVIDENDS AND CAPITAL GAINS.

>> DISCRETIONARY SPENDING.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHAT HAPPENED, IS IT OVER?

(BLEEP) OAK, FOLKS, I'LL ADMIT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE FISCAL CLIFF AND YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

FOR THE NEXT 20 DAYS, ALL PUNDIT ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO TALK BUDGETARY POLICY AND YOU

THE VIEWER ARE OBLIGATED TO LISTEN.

CHECK YOUR CABLE CONTRACT.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S RIGHT BELOW THE PART WHERE COME CAST GETS YOUR KIDNEYS.

THEY'LL BE THERE TO PICK THEM UP TOMORROW BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9:00 A.M. AND 6:00 P.M.

WEAR SOMETHING LOOSE.

(LAUGHTER) IF THE PARTIES HERE CANNOT AGREE TO A BUDGET DEAL BY JANUARY 1, AUTOMATIC SPENDING CUTS WILL

KICK IN AND PLUNGE AMERICA INTO A SECOND RECESSION THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD.

>> IN WASHINGTON, A FLY IN THE OINTMENT.

DEBT DEAL NEGOTIATIONS HAVE STALLED.

>> THE FISCAL CLIFF STALEMATE REMAINS.

>> THE STANDOFF CONTINUES.

THERE ISN'T A LOT OF REASON FOR HOPE.

>> DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING EACH OTHER FOR THE STALLED NEGOTIATIONS.

>> WHO'S GOING TO BLINK SGLIRS WHAT'S GOING TO BLINK FIRST.

>> THE WHITE HOUSE IS DARING REPUBLICANS LITERALLY TO BLINK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OBAMA IS DARING REPUBLICANS LITERALLY TO BLINK.

WELL, THE JOKE'S ON HIM!

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE I KNOW SOME REPUBLICANS WHO HAD THEIR EYELIDS SURGICALLY REMOVED.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW OBAMA WON'T BUDGE OFF HIS CALLS FOR $1.6 TRILLION IN NEW

TAX REVENUE OVER THE COMING DECADE, MOSTLY FROM INCREASING TAX RATES AND TAXES ON

UPPER-BRACKET EARNERS.

FOLKS, THAT'S JUST PUNISHING OUR NATION'S JOB CREATORS.

AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES ARE THE ENGINE THAT DRIVES OUR ECONOMY THROUGH SMART INVESTMENTS!

AND OCCASIONALLY THROUGH DUMB ONES.

(LAUGHTER) TODAY HOUSE SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER STRUCK BACK WITH HIS PLAN TO CUT SPENDING BY DEMANDING OBAMA COME

UP WITH BOEHNER'S PLAN TO CUT SPENDING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT THE PRESIDENT AND I MET ON SUNDAY IT WAS A NICE MEETING, IT WAS

CORDIAL BUT WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE WHITE HOUSE TO IDENTIFY WHAT SPENDING CUTS THE PRESIDENT

IS WILLING TO MAKE, WHERE ARE THE PRESIDENTS SPENDING CUTS?

>> Stephen: NOW CRITICS SAY THE SPEAKER IS JUST ASKING DEMOCRATS TO PUT SPECIFICS IN INTO THE

REPUBLICAN PROPOSAL BUT I SAY THAT'S KIND OF FUN.

IT MAKES THE BUDGET INTO A GIANT MAD-LIB.

FOR INSTANCE, WE AGREE TO CUT TEN BE ZILLION FROM THE PROGRAM THAT GIVES UKULELES TO THE

STICKY POOR.

TOILET BOOM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE WILL HAVE MORE ON