Debt Ceiling Deadline Conspiracy

  • Aired:  07/19/11
  •  | Views: 25,672

The August 2nd debt ceiling deadline could be a Muslim-Nazi-Vietcong conspiracy to keep America fiscally solvent. (4:48)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK!

FOLKS, THANK YOU.

FOLKS, LAST WEEK CHINA URGED THE UNITED STATES TO RAISE OUR DEBT CEILING.

>> CHINA HOLDS A TRILLION DOLLARS IN U.S. DEBT, AS YOU KNOW.

SHAKING THEIR FINGER AT US AND SAYING "YOU GUYS DARE NOT GO INTO DEFAULT.

>> Stephen: EVIDENTLY THE CHINESE SYMBOL FOR CRISIS IS ALSO THE SYMBOL FOR "I WANTS MY

MONEY, BITCH." (LAUGHTER) CHINA HAS BEEN SPOOKED BY REPORTS THAT RATING AGENCIES

LIKE FITCH AND MOODY'S MAY DROP THE COUNTRY'S CREDIT RATING.

BUT THEY SHOULDN'T WORRY, FOLKS,

BECAUSE JUST YESTERDAY FITCH REPORTED THAT EVEN IF WE DEFAULTED THEY'D ONLY DROP US

FROM A.A.A. TO B+.

I MEAN, B+ IS FINE.

WHO NEEDS STRAIGHT As?

WE'D LOOK LIKE FISCAL NERDS.

(LAUGHTER) AND A.A.A. TO B+ IS A DROP OF ONLY 13 LEVELS, PUTTING US ON PAR WITH ZAMBIA.

(LAUGHTER) THAT COULD BE GOOD FOR US.

AFTER ALL, ZAMBIA'S LIFE EXPECTANCY IS JUST 38.

SO SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE,

SOLVED.

(LAUGHTER) SO, FOLKS, JUST REMEMBER EVEN IF WE DEFAULT ON AUGUST 2 WE'LL BE

NO WORSE OFF THAN SUBSAHARAN AFRICA.

BUT I DON'T EVEN BUY THAT AUGUST 2 CUTOFF DATE.

AND I'M NOT ALONE.

JIM?

>> IS THAT AUGUST 2 DEADLINE REALLY A DEADLINE?

>> THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME THEY HAVE SET THIS ARTIFICIAL LIMIT.

>> HERE WE ARE UP AGAINST AN AUGUST 2 DEADLINE.

>> THESE ARE ARBITRARY DATES MADE UP OUT OF THIN AIR.

>> THESE DATES AND TIMES ARE MADE UP!

>> Stephen: YES!

IT'S MADE UP!

IT'S JUST ANOTHER ARBITRARY MADEUP GOVERNMENT DATE, LIKE THURSDAY!

(LAUGHTER) DOES IT REALLY IS TO HAPPEN RIGHT AFTER WEDNESDAY?

COULDN'T WE MOVE IT BACK TO THE WEEKEND SO WE HAVE MORE TIME TO ENJOY IT?

(LAUGHTER) BUT IF AUGUST 2 IS AN ARBITRARY DATE, WHY ARE PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, THE MAJOR RATINGS

AGENCIES AND EVERY U.S.

FINANCIAL EXPERT PUTTING SO MUCH WEIGHT ON IT?

IT MUST BE A CONSPIRACY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THINK, COLBERT, THINK.

WHY WOULD THE PRESIDENT INSIST ON AN AUGUST 2 DEADLINE?

HELP ME OUT, MANATEE OF THE AIRWAVES.

>> OBAMA'S OUT THERE PUSHING THIS MAGIC AUGUST 2 DEADLINE TO GET THIS THING DONE.

THAT'S BECAUSE RAMADAN STARTS AUGUST 1.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) RAMADAN STARTS AUGUST 1.

AND FOR SOME REASON, PRESIDENT "NOT A MUSLIM" IS ALL FRANTIC TO SETTLE THIS BY THEN.

NOT TO MENTION THAT AUGUST 2 IS THE 77th ANNIVERSARY OF HITLER BECOMING FUHRER OF

GERMANY AND THE 47th ANNIVERSARY OF THE GULF OF TONKIN INCIDENT.

SO THIS COULD VERY WELL BE A MUSLIM NAZI VIETCONG CONSPIRACY TO KEEP AMERICA FISCALLY SOLVENT

UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING EVEN MORE SINISTER!

YESTERDAY TEXAS G.O.P.

CONGRESSMAN AND HUMAN FENCE POST LOUIE GOHMERT UNVEILED THE MOST SHOCKING THEORY OF THEM ALL.

>> I CAN'T HELP BE A LITTLE CYNICAL HERE BECAUSE WE FIND OUT

THE PRESIDENT HAS A BIG BIRTHDAY BASH SCHEDULED FOR AUGUST 3,

CELEBRITIES FLYING IN FROM ALL OVER.

AND LO AND BEHOLD AUGUST 2 IS THE DEADLINE FOR GETTING SOMETHING DONE SO THAT HE CAN

HAVE THIS MASSIVE... MAYBE THE BIGGEST FUND-RAISING DINNER IN HISTORY A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE!

OBAMA JUST WANTS TO RAISE THE DEBT CEILING SO HE CAN RAISE THE ROOF!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) AND FOLKS, IT'S HIS 50th BIRTHDAY BASH SO HE'S GOING TO

BE PARTYING OUT WITH HIS HOLLYWOOD BUDDIES LIKE BEYONCE,

GEORGE CLOONEY, MATT DAMON, BRAD AND ANGELINA, SKINNY JONAH HILL.

DUMBLEDORE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, ME AND LOUIE GOHMERT AREN'T EVEN INVITED.

I SAY WE LET THE ECONOMY GO DOWN THE (BLEEP).

STUPID BIRTHDAY.

WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS THING IS FIXED BY AUGUST 18

BECAUSE THAT'S LOUIE GOHMERT'S BIRTHDAY!

AND HIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE WAY BETTER.

IT'S GOING TO BE HIM, MICHELE BACHMANN AND STEVE KING EATING PIZZA AT THE CORNER BOOTH.

(APPLAUSE) AND I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO THAT ONE, EITHER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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