Muffingate

  • Aired:  11/02/11
  •  | Views: 25,350

The Department of Justice releases a full-color, 151-page cost report proving no government money was wasted on muffins. (3:22)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

OARVE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, EVERYBODY WHO WATCHES

THE SHOW KNOWS I AM A LONGTIME

CRITIC OF GOVERNMENT WASTE.

WHAT WAS JEFFERSON THINKING

PAYING $15 MILLION FOR

LOUISIANA?

( LAUGHTER )

HE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT THE WAY

EVERYTHING ELSE IS PAID FOR DOWN

THERE-- BY SHOWING NAPOLEON HIS

TITS.

200 YEARS LATER, NOTHING HAS

CHANGED, FOLKS.

JUST REPLACE $15 MILLION WITH

$16 AND LOUISIANA WITH BREAKFAST

PASTRIES.

>> MUFFIN-GATE.

PAY TRAINING CONFERENCE IN

AUGUST '09, $4200 WAS SPENT ON

250 MUFFINS.

THAT ADDS UP TO 16 BUCKS PER IF

N.UMORI

WHY SHOULD I OR YOU WORK HARD

EVERY DAY SO SOME GUY IN A SUIT

CAN HAVE A $16 MUFFIN.

>> MAYBE I'M A CHEAP SCABBING

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PAY 16

BUCKS FOR A MUFFIN.

I'M JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT IT

IT IT IT IT.

>> Stephen: WHY WOULD THE

GOVERNMENT SPEND $16 ON A MUFFIN

WHEN THEY CAN GO TO STARBUCKS

AND GET ONE FOR 14.

OF COURSE, FOLKS, I'VE BEEN

TRACKING MUFFIN-GATE VERY

CLOSELY, AS WELL AS

MUFFIN-TOP-GATE.

WHEN DID I GAIN ALL THIS WEIGHT?

WELL, NOW THERE'S BEEN A

SURPRISING NEW DEVELOPMENT IN

THIS STORY OF OUT-OF-CONTROL

BAKERY GREED.

>> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

INSPECTOR GENERAL ADMITS IT MADE

A MISTAKE WHETHER IT SAYS THE

AGENCY SPENT MORE THAN $16 ON

EACH MUFFIN AT A LEGAL

CONFERENCE.

>> YOU CAN SEE THAT THE REPORT

REFERS TO THE ACTUAL EVENT THAT

THERE WERE SOME OTHER THINGS

PURCHASED.

THERE WAS TEA AND COFFEE AND

SOME OTHER THINGS, AS WELL AS

THE COST OF THE MEETING SPACE AT

THE CAPITOL HILTON SO IT'S

MISLEADING TO SAY THE MUFFIN

COVER THE $16.

IT WAS INVOICED THAT WAY BUT THE

MUFFIN ITSELF DIDN'T COST THAT

MUCH.

>> Stephen: WELL, WELL, THAT

CHANGES THINGS.

THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT INSPECTOR

GENERAL, WHICH MADE THE ORIGINAL

$16 MUFFIN CLAIM, DID A THOROUGH

FOLLOW-UP INVESTIGATION, AND THE

RESPONSIBLE USE OF YOUR TAX

DLARPS IS MADE CLEAR IN THE UDIT

OF DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE

CONFERENCE PLANNING AND FOOD AND

BEVERAGE COST REPORT.

IT'S 151 PAGES PROVING THERE WAS

NO GOVERNMENT MONEY WASTED ON

MUFFINS.

( LAUGHTER )

AND IT IS THOROUGH, FOLKS.

IT HAS FULL-COLORED MUFFIN

TABLES.

LOOK AT THAT.

APPENDISS, 55 FOOTNOTES, AS WELL

AS ANALYSIS OF THE COST OF BEEF

WELLINGTON HORS D'OEUVRES, THE

CLARIFICATION THAT A CUP IS

EQUAL TO EIGHT OUNCES, AND THAT

LIGHT REFRESHMENTS ARE DEFINED

AS COFFEE, TEA, MILK, JUICE,

SOFT DRINKS, DONUTS, BAGELS,

FRUIT, PRETZELS, COOKIES, CHIPS,

OR MUFFINS.

( LAUGHTER ).

AND I BELIEVE LITTLE-- I BELIEVE

THE AGENCY SEAL, I BELIEVE THAT

IS SCRATCH AND SNIFF.

( LAUGHTER ).

BANANA NUT.

( LAUGHTER )

AND FOR ALL MY FELLOW PUNDITS

OUT THERE, EAGER TO SNIFF OUT

FURTHER GOVERNMENT WASTE,

HOPEFULLY THE INSPECTOR GENERAL

WILL BE ISSUING A 300-PAGE

REPORT INVESTIGATING RUMORS THIS

150-PAGE REPORT ON $16 MUFFINS