Wilford Brimley Calls - Quaker Oats Makeover

  • Aired:  04/04/12
  •  | Views: 12,581

After Larry the Quaker Oats mascot undergoes plastic surgery, Stephen gets a distressing call from Wilford Brimley. (4:15)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU.

NATION, NOW LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW KNOW THAT I'M A HUGE FAN OF OATMEAL.

I LIKE EATING FOODS WITH THE WORD "MEAL" RIGHT IN THE NAME.

HELPS ME REMEMBER WHAT I'M DOING.

(LAUGHTER) AND WHEN IT COMES TO OATMEAL,

QUAKER OATS IS THE CLASSIC AMERICAN BRAND I ALWAYS REACH FOR.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE MY BELOVED OATS ARE SEWING SOME WILD THEMSELVES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> QUAKER OATS IS GIVING ITS FAMOUS MASCOT A MAKEOVER.

THE FAMOUS QUAKER KNOWN BY INSIDERS AS LARRY-- I HAD NO IDEA-- IS GETTING A NEW HAIR CUT

AND LOSING WEIGHT AND FIVE YEARS OFF HIS AGE.

>> THE GUY ON THE LEFT SIDE OF YOUR SCREEN IS THE OLDER VERSION.

HIS FACE IS NOW SLIMMER, THOUGH,

AND TANNER.

HE'S LOST THAT DOUBLE CHIN.

>> WE ARE SUCH AN OBSESSED CULTURE WITH PLASTIC SURGERY.

>> AND IT WORKED.

I HEAR HE'S BANGING THE LAND O'LAKES GIRL.

(LAUGHTER) IN FACT, THIS FACELIFT WAS SUCH A SUCCESS I THINK ALL OUR COMMISSION MASCOTS COULD USE A

FRESHEN UP.

TOUCAN SAM, I KNOW A GREAT GUY ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE THAT CAN FIX THAT BEAK.

AND THINK HOW MUCH BETTER MICHELIN MAN WOULD LOOK AFTER LAP BAND SURGERY.

AND COME ON, I CANNOT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD LOVE TO SEE SOME DOUBLE Ds ON THE AFLAC DUCK.

(LAUGHTER) YEAH.

NICE AF-RACK.

(LAUGHTER) BUT, FOLKS, THE NEW LARRY ISN'T A HIT WITH EVERYONE.

IN FACT, IT'S BEEN TRAUMATIC FOR MY MENTOR, LONG-TIME QUAKER OATS

SPOKES WALRUS WILFRED BRIMLY.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SEE, WILFRED CALLS ME UP ON TIME TO TIME TO OFFER ADVICE

FROM ONE STAR TO ANOTHER AND I RECORD ALL OF MY PHONE CONVERSATIONS FOR INCLUSION IN

MY UPCOMING AUDIO MEMOIR "STEPHEN COLBERT'S ALL OF MY

UNEDITED PHONE CALLS 2007-2012." WELL, TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO SHARE

A DISTRESSING CALL I GOT FROM WILFRED JUST LAST NIGHT.

(PHONE RINGING)

>> Stephen: HELLO?

>> HEY, HOLLYWOOD.

>> Stephen: WILFRED?

>> IT'S WILFRED.

WILFRID BRIMLY.

>> Stephen: JESUS, WILFRID, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

>> THERE'S A STRANGER IN MY HOUSE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

WILFRED, ARE YOU OKAY?

WHERE IS HE?

>> HE'S ON THE OATMEAL BOX!

(LAUGHTER) I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE.

WHAT'D THEY DO TO LARRY?

>> WILFRED, JUST CALM DOWN, THAT IS LARRY, HE JUST LOST A FEW POUNDS.

>> WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED, HE LOOKS GOOD.

>> Stephen: I'M GLAD IT WAS A FALSE ALARM, GOOD NIGHT WILL FORD.

>> I'M FAT.

(LAUGHTER) THE.

>> Stephen: NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

>> I USED TO BE IN GREAT SHAPE.

YOU KNOW I WAS A RODEO CLOWN.

>> YEAH, I KNOW WILFORD.

>> I WAS IN "THE FIRM." YOU KNOW WHAT THEY USED TO CALL

ME ON THE SET OF "THE FIRM"?

>> Stephen: NO, WHAT DID THEY CALL YOU?

>> THE FIRM.

>> Stephen: LISTEN TO ME, YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID IN "THE FIRM."

>> NO, I DON'T, I'M A TUBBY TIMMY.

>> Stephen: NO, NO, YOU'RE AN ATTRACTIVE, DISTINGUISHED MAN.

>> YOU EVER SEE THAT MOVIE "COCOON."

>> Stephen: YES.

>> I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, DID YOU EVER SEE "COCOON"?

>> Stephen: YES.

>> THAT MOVIE IS HORSE (BLEEP).

OLD PEOPLE GETTING YOUNGER.

TRY TELLING THAT TO MY PROSTATE.

IT'S THE SIZE AND WEIGHT OF A REGULATION BOCCE BALL.

>> Stephen: WILFORD, WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.

(GRUNTING) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> CRUNCHES.

OKAY, I'M OUT OF THE CHAIR AND I'M GOING START ON MY CRUNCHES.

>> Stephen: GO BACK TO BED.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

>> I'M DOING SOME HOME LIPO.

I'VE GOT A TURKEY BASTER DUCT TAPED TO A SHOP VAK TRYING TO FIND MY NAVAL.

OH, THAT'S NOT MY NAVAL!

TURN IT OFF!

(DIAL TONE)

>> Stephen: WISDOM OF THE AGES.

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