Colbert Platinum - Diamond Pacifiers & Financial Domination

  • Aired:  01/16/14
  •  | Views: 29,611

A jewelry company prepares babies for the platinum lifestyle, and wealthy fetishists get aroused by throwing their money away. (3:35)

NATION, YOU KNOW THE OLDSAYING, A FOOL AND HIS MONEY

ARE SOON, TO HEAR THE RESTOF THIS QUOTE SEND $20 TO

STEPHENCOLBERT@SOONPARTED.COM.

THIS IS COLBERT PLATINUM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)A QUICK REMINDER, FOLKS,

THIS SEGMENT IS FOR PLATINUMMEMBERS ONLY.

SO IF YOUR COFFEEMAKER IS AMACHINE INSTEAD OF A SMALL

COUNTERTOP COLUMBIAN MAN,WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG AND

GET ANOTHER THAT TATTOO OF AWARNER BROTHER'S CHARACTER.

FOGHORN LEGHORN REALLYSTICKS IT TO THE MAN.

ARE AT THE GONE?

>> GOOD OKAY.

FIRST UP, FOLKS, WE PLATINUMPARENTS LOVE OUR CHILDREN

JUST AS MUCH AS THE DIRTEATERS OUT THERE.

AND WE KNOW HOW IMPORTANT ITIS TO PREPARE THEM FOR THE

PLATINUM LIFESTYLE EARLY.

THAT'S WHY A COMPANY CALLEDKALFIN JEWELRY HAS CREATED A

50,000 DOLLAR DIAMONDENCRUSTED PACIFIER.

FINALLY A PRODUCT THATCOMBINES TWO THINGS I LOVE,

A QUIET BABY AND EXPLOITINGTHE CONGO.

AND THIS GIFT JUST KEEPS ONGIVING, FOLKS.

BECAUSE REMEMBER, ONCE YOURCHILD'S TEETH COME IN, YOU

CAN HAVE A PACIFIER MADEINTO A TODDLER GRILL.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, A DIAMOND

PACIFIER IS GREAT BUT THETRULY WEALTHY START THEIR

BABY'S PREMIUM TRAINING INUTERO.

I MEAN NINE MONTHS IN ONEPLACE?

THAT'S NOT HOW THE RICHROLL.

TIME TO GET YOUR FETUS ASECOND UTERUS IN ST. BARTS.

NEXT UP, EVERYBODY, THERE'SA REAL FROOFERAH BREWING

OVER INCOME INEQUALITY, EVENTHOUGH WE RICH ARE ALREADY

DOING OUR BEST TO TRICKLEOUR MONEY DOWN.

BUT THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY$50,000 PACIFIERS YOU CAN

BUY BEFORE YOU START LOOKINGLIKE AN ASS [BLEEP]. BUT THE

UNGRATEFUL MASSES ARE STILLUNHAPPY.

IF WE DON'T FIND A WAY TOSPEND IT FASTER, WE MAY HAVE

A REVOLUTION ON OUR HANDSAND I JUST GOT A MANICURE.

THANKLY, ONE WELL-HEELEDHORN DOG MAY HAVE FOUND A

SOLUTION BY BIDDING $42,000FOR A ONE-HOUR PRIVATE WEB

CAM SHOW WITH A DOMINATRIXNAMED MAITRESS MAD LINE.

NOW $42,000 IS PRETTY STEEPFOR A DOMINATRIX.

THE BALL GAG BETTER BE AFABERGE EGG

BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT THEDOMINATRIX'S WEB SITE IS

PART OF A SEXUAL SUBCULTURECALLED FINDOM WHICH DOES NOT

INVOLVE A WHIP AND A RAINBOW TROUT.

NO, IT STANDS FOR FINANCIALDOMINATION, A FETISH IN

WHICH SOMEONE IS SEXUALLYAROUSED BY THE THOUGHT OF

SENDING SOMEONE ELSE MONEYAND GIFTS EXPECTING NO

SEXUAL FAVORS IN RETURN.

NOTHING IN RETURN FOR YOURMONEY.

IT BREAKS ALL THE RULES OFCAPITALISM.

IT'S SO NAUGHTY, YOU DESERVETO GET SPANKED BY THE

INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.

NOW THE FINDOM COMMUNITYHAS ITS OWN LINGO WHERE

GIFTS AND MONEY ARE KNOWN ASTRIBUTES AND THE MEN WHO

SEND THEM ARE REFERRED TO ASPAY PIGS. SO GOOD NEWS,

OCCUPY WALL STREET, THOSENAMES YOU YELLED IN RAGE

WERE HEARD BY THE RICH.

THE BAD NEWS, IT GAVE THEM ABONER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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