Sport Report - NBA Lockout & Colbert Super PAC Ad

  • Aired:  10/17/11
  •  | Views: 26,390

Stephen's pro-NBA-owner Super PAC ad is sure to bring the NBA lockout crisis to an end -- if ABC's Dallas affiliate, WFAA, ever airs it. (6:34)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS, THANK YOU.

NATION, FOLKS, THEY SAY IT'S

NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,

IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME.

THAT'S WHY I PLAY EVERY

SPORT WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

THE OTHER BOXER NEVER SEES

IT COMING.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, FIRST UP, THE WORLD

SERIES.

THERE WILL BE ONE.

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY

FOR THE NBA SEASON.

JIM.

>> OWNERS AND PLAYERS ARE

DEADLOCKED IN A LABOR

DISPUTE THAT FAILED TO MEET

A DEADLINE MONDAY.

THE NBA'S FIRST TWO WEEKS OF

GAMES HAVE NOW BEEN

CANCELLED.

>> COMMISSIONER DAVID STERN

SAID TODAY HIS GUT FEELING

IS THAT THEY WON'T BE

PLAYING BASKETBALL ON

CHRISTMAS DAY.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

BASKETBALL ON CHRISTMAS IS A

TRADITION DATING BACK TO THE

BIRTH OF CHRIST.

WHEN THE WISEMEN FOUND THE

BABE IN SWADDLING CLOTHES

AND SHOT HIM OUT OF A

T-SHIRT CANON.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I DO NOT

SEE EYE-TO-EYE WITH THE

PLAYERS.

IN FACT, I BARELY SEE EYE TO

GROIN.

THESE SELFISH HOOP STERS,

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

THEY ARE ALREADY MAKING

PLANS WHAT THEY WILL DO ONCE

THEY HAVE RUINED THE SEASON,

FROM KOBE BRYANT PLAYING AN

EXHI BUSINESS GAME IN ITALY

TO LA BRON JAMES ASKING

ABOUT THE NFL'S FREE AGENT

DEADLINE, TO SIXERS FORWARD

ANDRE IGUADALA SPENDING A

WEEK AS AN INTERN AT MERRILL

LYNCH.

I BELIEVE HIS DUTIES

CONSISTED MOSTLY OF 360

TOMAHAWK PHOTOCOPYING.

I WILL TELL YOU WHO THE REAL

VICTIMS ARE.

THE NBA OWNERS.

LIKE MY CLOSE PERSONAL

FRIEND DALLAS MAVERICK'S

OWNER MARK CUBAN.

HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT

ON THE LOCKOUT.

AS HE MADE CLEAR ON MY SHOW.

>> LET'S TALK ABOUT THE

LOCKOUT.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN

THE LOCKOUT.

>> I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE

LOCKOUT-- LOCKOUT.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST

WITNESSED HISTORY, FOLKS.

THE FIRST TIME MARK CUBAN

HAS KEPT A THOUGHT TO

HIMSELF.

WELL, MR. CUBAN--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: MR. CUBAN MAY

NOT BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT

THE LOCKOUT BUT MR. COLBERT

SUPERPAC CAN.

LAST WEEK-- LAST WEEK WE

BOUGHT AIR TIME ON DALLAS

WFAA CHANNEL 8 NEWS, TO AIR

OUR NEW PAC AD.

JIMMY, MAKE THE DYNAMITE GO

BOOM.

>> IT'S ANOTHER SAD DAY IN

AMERICA AS THE NBA LOCKOUT

GRINDS ON, DEPRIVING

MILLIONS OF THEIR FAVORITE

SPORT.

MEANWHILE, THE NBA PLAYERS

WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO GET

ALL --

>> THE UNEMPLOYMENT AT AN

ALL-TIME HIGH, THE PLAYERS

ARE DEMANDING MORE MILLIONS.

BUT THE NBA OWNERS ARE ON

YOUR SIDE.

THEY'RE WORKING HARD TO SAVE

THE SEASON.

SO AMERICANS DON'T HAVE TO

WATCH HOCKEY.

NBA OWNERS ARE JOB CREATORS

WHO SEND OUR ECONOMY SOARING,

LIKE THESE THINGS.

AND HEROES LIKE MARK KINDAN

ARE THE NUMBER ONE EMPLOYER

OF OUR NATION'S TINY BLIMP

PILOTS.

THE PLAYERS HAVE MISSED

THEIR JOB.

SO DAHL YOUR-- CALL YOUR

LOCAL SPORTS RADIO SHOW AND

YELL.

WE WANT OUR NBA.

>> AMERICANS-- RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE CONTENT OF THIS

ADVERTISING, MADE POSSIBLE

FROM A GENEROUS DONATION

FROM COLBERT SUPERPAC.

>> Stephen: HA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, STOP.

A POWERFUL AD SURE TO BRING

THIS CRISIS TO AN END.

EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR DETAIL,

WFAA DID NOT RUN OUR AD.

BOO!

>> Stephen: I DO NOT HAVE

MOANED THAT BETTER.

WELL, ARE WFAA, YOU HAVE

[BLEEP] THE WRONG PEOPLE.

WE ARE COLBERT SUPERPAC AND

OUR RAGE TONIGHT IS BIG AND

BRIGHT.

>> DEEP IN THE HEART OF

TEXAS!

>> Stephen: NICE.

OH, AND WHAT IS WFAA'S

EXCUSE?

ACCORDING TO THE LETTER I

RECEIVED FROM THEIR SALES

MANAGER, QUOTE, HERE'S AN

EXPLANATION OF WHAT HAPPENED,

I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IF

HAPPENED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: I CAN.

THEY'RE TRYING TO SILENCE

YOU, NATION.

ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE IT.

>> NO!

>> Stephen: WFAA, I CALL ON

YOU TO AIR OUR AD TOMORROW

ON A PRIME SPOT LIKE GOOD

MORNING AMERICA, IT WILL BE

A DOSE OF HARD TRUTH BETWEEN

SEGMENTS ON KEEPING YOUR PET

HAPPY AND COCKTAILS INSPIRED

BY DANCING WITH THE STARS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: BECAUSE FOLKS,

THIS RIGHT HERE IS CLEARLY

AN ELABORATE, NEFARIOUS

CONSPIRACY BY WFF-- WFAA,

UNLESS!

THIS IS REALLY AN ELABORATE

NEFARIOUS CONSPIRACY BY ME!

(LAUGHTER)

THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT IT, FOLKS.

PUT IT TOGETHER.

MARK CUBAN COMES ON MY SHOW

THE SAME NIGHT MY SUPERPAC

GETS AN ANONYMOUS DONOR.

THEN SUDDENLY MY SUPERPAC

MAKES A TV COMMERCIAL ABOUT

THE NBA LOCKOUT.

THAT, WERE CUBAN PAYING FOR

THE AD, WOULD VIOLATE NBA

COMMISSIONER DAVID STERN'S

GAG ORDER AND REMEMBER,

THAT'S A BASKETBALL GAG.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE QUESTION IS, THE

QUESTION IS WHAT DID I KNOW

AND WHEN DID I KNOW IT?

AND WILL DAVID STERN FIND

MARK CUBAN.

WELL, FOLKS, IT'S ONLY ONE

GROUP THAT CAN GET TO THE

BOTTOM OF THIS.

THE CRACK NEWS TEAM OF WFAA.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ANCHOR RON

CORNING, GREG FIELDS ON

WEATHER AND ALEXA CONOMOS ON

TRAFFIC.

CHANNEL 8, DALLAS NEWS

LEADER HAS WON SEVEN PEABODY

AWARDS, TWO EDWARD R. MURROW

AWARDS AND 20 REGIONAL EMMY

AWARDS JUST LAST YEAR ALONE.

20!

FIVE MORE AND THEY GET A

FREE FOOT LONG.

(LAUGHTER)

BASKETBALL'S IN YOUR

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