The Word - Hire Learning

  • Aired:  12/05/12
  •  | Views: 44,367

According to a rare bit of journalism in the New York Post, there is a growing trend of parents hiring tutors to do a little more than just toot. (4:59)

OF COURSE, THERE'S NOTHING MORE MAGICAL THAN THE MIRACLE OF CHILD BIRTH.

BUT ONLY IF IT'S YOUR CHILD.

IF IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S, IT LOOKS LIKE A SCENE THEY CUT TO KEEP THE "R" RATING.

WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR NEWBORN IN YOUR ARMS AND YOU SEE THE LITTLIZE LOOK UP AT YOU FOR THE

FIRST TIME, YOU INSTANTLY KNOW YOU GIVE THEM ANYTHING THEY NEED-- A HOME TO LIVE IN, FOOD

FOR THEIR BELLIES, ADDERRAL FOR THEIR S.A.T.s, BECAUSE, FOLKS, IT HAS NEVER BEEN HARD TORE GET

INTO AMERICA'S TOP COLLEGES.

THIS PAST SPRING, HARVARD AND PRINCETON POSTED RECORD-LOW ACCEPTANCE RATES WITH HARVARD

ADMITTING JUST 2,000 OF THE 34,000 APPLICANTS, A RATE OF 5.9%.

5.9!

REALLY?

BECAUSE I CALCULATED THAT MYSELF, AND IT'S 2,000, 34, 000, LIKE THAT, AND I I GOT WILL BE BOOBIES.

( LAUGHTER ).

NOW, NO WONDER WORRIED PARENTS SPEND THOUSANDS ON S.A.T. PREP COURSES, MATH TUDORS, ENGLISH

TUDORS, MANDARIN LESSONS, NOT TO PAD THE CHILD'S RESUME BUT SO IT CAN CLAW OUT THE EYES OF THE COMPETITION.

GOOD LUCK FILLING OUT YOUR APPLICATION NOW.

NOW, LUCKILY, THERE IS A MUCH SIMPLER WAY TO GIVE KIDS A LEG UP.

AND IT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WORD ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HIGHER LEARNING NATION, YOU CAN GET THE BEST

TUTOR MONEY CAN BUY, BUT ULTIMATELY, THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ONE THING STANDING IN THE

WAY OF YOUR KID'S POTENTIAL.

THAT OBSTACLE-- YOUR KID.

BECAUSE AFTER GIVING THEM EVERY POSSIBLE ADVANTAGE, MANY PARENTS FIEND OUT THEIR KID DOESN'T GET

INTO HAFER OR PRINCETON.

WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO, HAVE THEIR KID PACKED OFF TO SOME TECHNICAL SCHOOL?

FOLKS, THAT'S WHY THERE'S A GROWING TREND OF PARENTS HIRING TUTOR TO DO A LITTLE MORE THAN

JUST TOOT.

ACCORDING TO A RARE BIT OF JOURNALISM IN THE "NEW YORK POST, "THERE IS A HIGH DEMAND

FOR TUDORS WHO CHEAT FOR HIRE, LIKE CHARLES WHO NETTED $150,000 AND A DOWN PAYMENT ON HIS NEW

YORK CITY APARTMENT AFTER ONE MOTHER DEMANDED HE COMPLETE EVERY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT,

PAPER, AND COLLEGE ESSAY FOR HER 15-YEAR-OLD SON, AND HOPEFULLY TWO GRAND FOR PUNCHING UP THE

KID'S MOTHER'S DAY CARD.

THE ANONYMOUS TUDORS RANGED FROM A WELL-RESPECTED DOCTOR TO AN IVY LEAGUER WITH A GRADUATE

DEGREE IN BIOLOGY WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW IF YOU STUDY HARD AND GET INTO A GOOD SCHOOL, YOU

CAN HAVE A REWARDING CAREER STUDYING HARD AND GETTING INTO A GOOD SCHOOL.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO IT WORKS.

THE KIDS GET TO GO OFF TO A GOOD SCHOOL, AND THE PARENTS GET SOMETHING ELSE.

AS ONE TUDOR OBSERVED, WE HAVE SOME MOTHERS WHO FEEL LIKE THEY'VE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING SO

BAD IN THEIR LIVES, THAN GETTING THEIR KID INTO HARVARD.

IT'S BRAGGING RIGHTS.

YEAH.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE STUNNED REACTIONS WHEN YOU SAY, "YOUR KID GOT INTO HARVARD,"

ESPECIALLY FROM YOUR KID BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE APPLIED.

( LAUGHTER ).

( APPLAUSE ) BUT WILL-- WILL YOUR CHILD SUCCEED AT THE COLLEGE SOMEONE ELSE GOT HIM INTO?

ONE STUDENT IN THE ARTICLE FLUNKED OUT AFTER LESS THAN ONE YEAR.

THAT'S WHY WHEN YOU SEND YOUR KID TO COLLEGE, DON'T FORGET TO PACK HIS TUDOR.

HE'LL DO ALL THE WORK WHILE YOUR CHILD ENJOYS THE TRUE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE.

NOW, NATURALLY, AFTER GRADUATION, YOU'LL NEED TO KEEP THE TUDOR ON THE PAYROLL TO GET

YOUR SON THROUGH MED SCHOOL, FOLLOWED,SH, BY A RESIDENCY IN NEUROSURGERY.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE IS MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN NOT REALLY WORKING.

EVENTUALLY, JUNIOR HAS TO FIND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

OF COURSE, NO WOMAN'S GOING TO WANT YOUR SON.

HE'S A LAZY DOLE.

BUT THE TUDOR, HE'S SO SMART AND HARD WORKING, HE'LL NAB YOU THE AUGHTER-IN-LAW OF YOURD

DREERNLINGS AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL WANT GRANDKIDS.

THAT'S JUST ANOTHER JOB FOR THE TUDOR.

YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU MIGHT WANT TO HIRE THE TUDOR TO BE YOUR CHILD'S MOM AND DAD

BECAUSE IF YOU'VE GOT HIM FAKING ALL YOUR CHILD'S ACHIEVEMENTS, YOU'RE A PRETTY TERRIBLE PARENT.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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