Election of Pope Francis

  • Aired:  03/25/13
  •  | Views: 42,267

There is no more thrilling TV than live footage of the Vatican chimney, and Argentina's Jorge Bergoglio becomes the first pope named after St. Francis of Assisi. (5:55)

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN"] THANK VERY MUCH.

PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

IN HERE, OUT THERE, EVERYWHERE, EVERYBODY.

NATION, I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

I CANNOT TELL A LIE, I HAVE A SWORN DUTY TO TELL YOU TRUTH EVERY TIME I SPEAK TO YOU NO

MATTER WHAT HEARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THIS HAS BEEN HARD --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

NATION, I'VE MISSED YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN ON VACATION FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS IN THE KAY MAN ISLANDS VISITING MY -- CAYMAN

ISLANDS VISITING MY MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

IT SAYS HI BY THE WAY.

THE MISS THE ROUGH AND TUMBLE OF NEWS CYCLE.

GETTING MY OPINION OUT THERE ABOUT THE STORIES THAT MATTER, THE CRISIS IN CYPRUS, THE

ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, THE RELEASE OF "THE CROODS".

THIS MOVIE HAS A SMALL GOVERNMENT MESSAGE IN THAT GOVERNMENT HAS NOT YET BEEN INVENTED.

BUT AS ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST INFLUENTIAL CATHOLICS I WANTED TO COVER THE CONCLAVE TO NAME A

NEW POPE.

IT'S LIKE THE CHRISTIAN SUPER BOWL EXCEPT WITH LESS THANKING JESUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AS A BROADCASTER, I LOVE THIS STORY, FOLKS, BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE THRILLING TV THAN LIVE

FOOTAGE OF THE VATICAN CHIMNEY.

[LAUGHTER]

SANTA'S FIRST STOP EVERY YEAR BY THE WAY.

WAITING FOR THAT PIVOTAL MOMENT WHEN THE SMOKE CHANGES COLOR.

>> WE HAVE SMOKE.

IT APPEARS -- IT APPEARS GRAY.

IT'S WHITISH.

>> THE SMOKE IS WHITE AND IT APPEARS WE HAVE A NEW POPE.

>> BREAKING NEWS, THE WORLD'S 1.2 BILLION ROMAN CATHOLICS HAVE A NEW POPE.

>> WE HAVE A NEW POPE.

>> Stephen: YES, WE HAVE A NEW POPE, ME AND THE REVEREND AL SHARPTON.

SEE YOU AT MASS ON SUNDAY, AL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE POINT IS: THE LORD HATH SMOKEIN.

HABEAS THIS GUY-EM.

CARDINAL JORGE BERGOGLIO OF ARGENTINA OR AS HE WILL BE KNOWN POPE FRANCIS.

THE FIRST POPE NAMED FOR ST.

FRANCIS OF ASSISI, ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED OF ALL TIME.

THAT'S A BALLSY MOVE, IT'S LIKE GOING WITH THE NAME POPE KITTEN FALLING ASLEEP.

[LAUGHTER]

POPE FRANKY HAS WASTE NOD TIME.

OUR POPE NOW NO LONGER LOOKS LIKE HE IS OUT TO CRUSH THE REBEL ALLIANCE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT AS MUCH --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-- AS MUCH AS I LIKE THE NEW PONTIFF, I MAY HE MAY BE GOING TOO FAF WITH HIS MESSAGE OF POPE

AND CHANGE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> SETTING A TONE FOR A HUMBLER, SIMPLER PAIP CINCH HE DREAMS OF A CHURCH ON THE SIDE OF THE POOR.

>> HE REFUSED TO SIT ON A THROWN TO ACCEPT OATH OF ALLEGIANCE BUT STOOD ON THE SAME LEVEL.

>> POPE FRANCIS SHOCKED A NEWSPAPER STAND WHEN HE PERSONALLY CALLED TO CANCEL HIS SUBSCRIPTION.

>> HE IS A GUY WHO RIDES THE BUS.

>> POPE FRANCIS DOESN'T WANT THE LIMO OR THE FANCY RED SHOES.

>> EVEN HIS SHOES, REGULAR BLACK ONES, NOT THE EXPENSIVE LEATHER RED SHOES POPE BENEDICT FAVORED.

>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, NO RED SHOES?

THAT'S -- SACRILEGE.

NOW THE FLEET OF FLYING MONKEYS WILL MAKE NO SENSE.

THE CHURCH TO BE POOR?

THAT'S NOT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH I SIGNED UP FOR RM WHEN I TOSS A SAW BUCK IN THE BASKET I WANT

PRODUCTION VALUES THAT MEANS MARBLE, GOLD AND STAINED GLASS.

I BELIEVE RELIGION SHOULD BE LIKE GOING TO THE AVENGERS, WHO CARES WHAT IT'S ABOUT, AS LONG

AS IT LOOKS COOL AND CAN I EAT POPCORN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

AND THOSE ARE NOT THE ONLY TRADITIONS POPE FRANCIS IS THROWING OUT THE WINDOW.

>> A MAJOR BREAK IN TRADITION THE MASS ON HOLY THURSDAY WILL BE HELD IN A CHAPEL AT A

JUVENILE DETENTION FACILITY.

DURING THE CEREMONY POPE FRANCIS WILL WASH THE FEET OF 12 YOUNG INMATES.

>> Stephen: WASHING THE FEET OF YOUNG INMATES.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

I HAVE TO CAMP OUT OVERNIGHT IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE JUST TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF HIM.

MEANWHILE SOME HOOLIGAN BAMBINO JACKS A STEERO AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW HE'S GETTING HIS FEET

WASHED BY THE POPE.

HE'S GETTING A MANI-POPEE.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOUR HOLINESS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP AS SOMEBODY'S PUNK IN PRISON, AS SOON AS YOU GET UP

THERE WALK UP TO THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE YARD AND YOU JUST BLESS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]