Stephen Colbert's End of the World of the Week - Phobos-Grunt

  • Aired:  01/11/12
  •  | Views: 27,682

A Molotov cocktail of doom known as Phobos-Grunt hurtles toward the Earth's surface, threatening New York, London and Tokyo. (3:57)

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, I KNOW THAT AS A

JOURNALIST IT IS MY JOB TO KEEP

YOU TERRIFIED.

IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE SHOW

RIGHT NOW WITH A LOAD IN YOUR

PANTS, I'VE DROPPED THE BALL.

WELL, FOLKS, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD

NEWS, THERE'S TERRIBLE NEWS,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TONIGHT'S

EDITION OF "STEPHEN COLBERT'S

END OF THE WORLD OF THE WEEK."

NATION, IF YOU LIKE ME, SOME

NIGHTS YOU JUST LAY ON YOUR BACK

LOOKING UP AT THE STARS AND

WONDER, WHEN THE HELL IS THAT

CONTRACTOR GOING TO FINISH

PATCHING MY ROOF.

BUT NOW IT TURNS OUT THE SKY

MIGHT ACTUALLY BE FALLING.

CHICKEN LITTLE TRIED TO WARN US,

BUT WE WOULD MOTT LISTEN.

INSTEAD WE PUT HIM ON XANEX.

THAT'S ALL BECAUSE OF A

PLUMMETING RUSSIAN SPACECRAFT

KNOWN AS FOBAS HUH.

I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT

CORRECTLY.

RUSSIAN IS A STRANGE LANGUAGE.

THE SPACECRAFT WAS USED TO

EXPLORE ONE OF MARS' MOON, USING

THE RUSSIAN METHOD OF OPENING UP

AND DEPLOYING CONTINUALLY

SMALLER VERSIONS OFIST.

[LAUGHTER]

THE SPACECRAFT STALLED BEFORE

LEAVING EARTH'S ORBIT.

, WHICH MEANS SENSE.

AFTER ALL, IT COMS FROM THE LAND

OF STALL-IN.

THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

SO THIS RUSE I CAN SATELLITE IS

HURDLING BACK TO EARTH THIS

WEEKEND WITH ITS FULL FUEL LOAD

OF 8.

3 TONS OF HYDROZINE, WHICH IS

HIGHLY TOXIC, EXTREMELY

UNSTABLE, CORROSIVE TO THE SKIN

AND EXPOSURE CAN LEAD TO

PULMONARY EDEMA, SEIZURES, COMAS

OR DEATHS.

SO IN RUSSIA THEY USE IT TO

WATER DOWN THEIR VODKA.

SO JUST WHERE IS THIS MOLOTOV

COCKTAIL OF DOOM HEADED?

ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, DEBRIS

COULD FALL ANYWHERE ALONG A VAST

STRETCH OF THE EARTH'S SURFACE

THAT INCLUDES THE CITIES OF NEW

YORK, LONDON AND TOKYO.

NEW YORK, LONDON AND TOKYO.

I WOULD HATE FOR IT TO LAND ON

ONE OF THOSE CITIES.

AND LOVE FOR IT TO LAND ON THE

OTHER TWO.

NOW, SCIENTISTS WILL SAY THERE'S

VERY LITTLE CHANCE THAT THE

PLUMMETING DEBRIS COULD CAUSE

ANY HARM, BUT I AM NOT TAKING

ANY CHANCES, FOLKS.

THAT IS WHY I WILL BE SPENDING

THE ENTIRE WEEKEND WEARING MY

PATENTED SPACE DEBRIS REPELLING

HAT.

OKAY.

IT HAS A MINITRAMPOLINE UP TOP

THAT SHOULD RAPPEL ANY SHATTERED

OF HYPERSONIC SPACE METAL TO

COME MY WAY.

THIS IS THE SPACE METAL, THIS

KOOSH BALL.

BETA TESTING COMPLETE.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE, I MAY NOT... I'M NOT

SURE I'M GOING THE WANT THIS

LEVEL OF PROTECTION.

OUCH.

[BLEEPED].

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETIMES FASHION IS PAINFUL.

I MAY NOT WANT THAT KIND OF

PROTECTION BECAUSE THERE IS A

CHANCE THAT THIS HUNK OF DEBRIS

COULD DO SOMETHING COOL LIKE

CONTAIN MUTATING SPACE RAYS THAT

CAN TRANSFORM ME ENTER A

SUPERHERO, LIKE GAMMA RADIATION

THAT WOULD TURN ME INTO THE HULK

OF YO GAMMA GAMMA RADIATION.

THAT'S IT FOR THAT WEEK'S

STEPHEN COLBERT'S END OF THE

WORLD OF THE WEEK.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT

WHAT WILL KILL US ALL.

I'M GOING TO

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