Boston Bomber Accomplices

  • Aired:  05/02/13
  •  | Views: 30,171

Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and three friends urgently decide to watch a movie after the terrorist attack. (2:51)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: FOLKS, PLEASE,

FOLKS, PLEASE, WE'VE GOT TO-- I

LOVE IT.

YOU LOVE IT.

BUT I HAVE GOT TO GET TO THE

BREAKING NEWS FROM 24 HOURS AGO.

( LAUGHTER )

FEDERAL AUTHORITIES HAVE

ARRESTED THREE ACCOMPLICED OF

ALLEGED BOSTON BOMBER JOKE-A-HAR

TSARNAEV.

THE ACCOMPLICES ARE TWO

KAZAKHSTANIS.

DIAS KA-HAD... KATY PERRY

AND AZA... HAZMAT TAZMANIAN

KAYAK.

( LAUGHTER )

DAMN YOU TERRORISTS!

WITH YOUR WEAPONNIZED

CONSONANTS.

WHY CAN'T YOU AREV REGULAR NAMES

LIKE RICK, OR ALAN OR AYMAN

AL-ZAWAHIRI.

FOLKS, THESE TWO, AND AN

AMERICANED NAMED ROBEL

PHILLIPOS, ARE FRIENDS OF

DZHOKAR TSARNAEV, WHO TEXTED HIM

AFTER THE F.B.I. RELEASED THE

PHOTOS OF THE BOMBERS.

>> INVESTIGATORS SAY ONE OF THE

ROOM MATES TEXTED DZHOKAR SAYING

HE LOOKS LIKE THE SUSPECT ON

TELEVISION.

DZHOKAR ALLEGEDLY RESPONDS,

L.O.L.

>> Stephen: WHICH, I BELIEVE

PROVED HE'S A RADICAL ISLAMIST.

BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW L.O.L. IS

SHORT FOR LULULULULULU.

( APPLAUSE )

.

( CHEERS )

NOW AFTER THAT THE THREE

SUSPECTS AWARE THAT THE FEDS

WERE SEEKING THEIR FRIEND FOR

BOMBING THE MARATHON, RACED TO

HIS APARTMENT AND URGENTLY

DECIDED TO WATCH A MOVIE.

( LAUGHTER )

ALTHOUGH, DURING INTERROGATION

THEY DID NOT SPECIFY WHICH ONE.

BUT IF IT WAS JOHN CARTER, THEY

CAN BE ARRESTED FOR POSSESSION

OF A BOMB.

THEN-- TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE.

IT'S A FEDERAL OFFENSE.

THEN THEY DID SOMETHING THAT

THEY MIGHT LATER REGRET.

SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.

>> POLICE SAY KADYRBAYEV DECIDED

TO REMOVE THE BACKPACK FROM THE

ROOM IN ORDER TO HELP HIS

FRIEND.

>> THE BACKPACK WITH FIREWORKS

THAT HAD BEEN EMPTIED OF THEIR

POWDER AND A JAR OF VASELINE.

>> Stephen: THEY HAD TO DITCH

THE BACKPACK BECAUSE THE

FIREWORKS WERE INCRIMINATING,

AND THE JAR OF VASELINE IS JUST

EMBARRASSING.

( LAUGHTER )

IN FACT, I WANT TO CHANGE MY

GUESS AS TO WHAT THE MOVIE WAS

THEY WERE WATCHING.

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