Republicans Choose None of the Above

  • Aired:  07/13/11
  •  | Views: 40,082

During debt ceiling negotiations with President Obama, the Republicans practice the old saying, “You scratch my back, I get my back scratched.” (6:25)

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE GUY.

AND FOLKS, WE NEED A NEW LEADER

SOON, BECAUSE AMERICA IS

STANDING AT A PRECIPICE.

WHICH I THINK IS EITHER A BON

FIRE OR A POISONOUS AUSTRALIAN

JELLYFISH.

NOT SURE, BUT THE POINT IS,

PRECIPICES ARE SCARY, AND WE'RE

AT ONE.

IN JUST A FEW WEEKS, WE WILL

REACH THE DEADLINE FOR RAISING

AMERICA'S DEBT CEILING.

IF CONGRESS DOESN'T AUTHORIZE

BORROWING MORE MONEY, IT COULD

DESTROY OUR CREDIT RATING AND

AND THEN

CHINA WOULD BACK A TOW TRUCK UP

TO KANSAS AND DRAG IT OFF TO

GUANGDONG PROVINCE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT MAY HAPPEN.

THAT MAY HAPPEN

BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT AND

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS ARE

LOCKED IN A STARING CONTEST OVER

A PISSING CONTEST OVER WHO WILL

BLINK FIRST.

MY BET IS WHOEVER GETS THEIR

EYES PISSED IN.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT

THE DEBT CEILING A LOT ON THE

SHOW, BECAUSE I THINK A NEWS

SHOW TALKING ABOUT FEDERAL

BUDGET NEGOTIATIONS IS JUST

CHEAP, SALACIOUS VIEWER BAIT.

[LAUGHTER]

I LEAN TOWARD HARDER NEWS LIKE

DUCK FASHION SHOWS.

ADORABLE.

GOOD STORY.

I BROKE THAT STORY, BY THE WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HERE'S HOW WE GOT WHERE WE

ARE.

ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO,

THE PRESIDENT SAID TO THE

REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP "YOU GUYS,

WE GOTTA RAISE THE DEBT

CEILING."

THE REPUBLICANS SAID, "NO WAY,

NERD."

[LAUGHTER]

THE PRESIDENT SAID "YOU GUYS,

THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

IF WE DON'T RAISE IT, THE

ECONOMY WILL MELT DOWN.

AND WE COULD GET INTO TROUBLE!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE REPUBLICANS SAID, "OKAY,

IF YOU'RE REALLY THAT WORRIED

ABOUT IT, POINDEXTER, WE MIGHT

VOTE TO RAISE IT, BUT FIRST WE

HAVE TO MAKE MASSIVE BUDGET

CUTS."

THE PRESIDENT SAID, "THANKS,

GUYS."

[LAUGHTER]

SO FAR, THE GOP PLAN IS WORKING.

THEY'VE GOT BARRY HERE OVER A

BARREL, AND THEY ARE SPANKING

HIM LIKE A PAGE IN THE SENATE

CLOAKROOM.

[LAUGHTER]

OBAMA AGREES TO $4 TRILLION IN

CUTS.

BUT THEN, IN A TRULY CYNICAL

MOVE, OBAMA PULLS THE OLD

WASHINGTON TRICK OF ASKING FOR

SOMETHING IN RETURN.

BUT HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC

CANTOR EXPLAINED THAT THE

REPUBLICANS ONLY CONCESSION WILL

BE "THE FACT THAT WE'RE EVEN

DISCUSSING VOTING FOR A

DEBT-CEILING INCREASE."

OK?

THEY AGREE TO NEGOTIATE, IN

RETURN THE PRESIDENT GIVES THEM

EVERYTHING THEY WANT.

IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING "YOU

SCRATCH MY BACK, I GET MY BACK

SCRATCHED."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY CAN'T -- THESE

REPUBLICANS -- YEAH, THESE

PEOPLE UNDERSTAND.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY CAN'T GIVE OBAMA AN INCH.

'CUZ AGAIN, CANTOR SAID IT BEST:

"I DON'T THINK THE WHITE HOUSE

UNDERSTANDS HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

FOR FISCAL CONSERVATIVES TO SAY

THAT THEY'RE GOING TO VOTE FOR A

DEBT-CEILING INCREASE."

COME ON!

IMAGINE THE SHAME OF HAVING TO

LOOK THEIR CONSTITUENTS IN THE

EYES AND TELL THEM: "THE

AMERICAN ECONOMY STILL EXISTS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND LISTEN TO WHAT OBAMA WANTS

IN RETURN:

IF WE CHOOSE TO KEEP THE CUTS

FOR MILLIONAIRE AND BILLIONAIRES

WE HAVE TO MAKE DEEPER CUTS

SOMEWHERE ELSE.

STEERCHL HE'S SAYING THEY HAVE

TO RAISE TAXES.

AND REPUBLICANS CANNOT AGREE TO

THAT.

THEY'VE ALL SIGNED

GROVER NORQUIST'S ANTI-TAX

PLEDGE!

HE'S LIKE DARTH VADER;

HE CAN CRUSH THEIR LARYNX WITH

HIS MIND.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

NOW THAT WE'RE IN THIS CRISIS

THAT THE REPUBLICANS CREATED TO

GET PARTISAN ADVANTAGE

BUT THE REPUBLICANS HAVE TO

EITHER RAISE TAXES OR GET BLAMED

FOR DEFAULTING ON OUR NATIONAL

DEBT.

THEY SEEM TO HAVE PAINTED

THEMSELVES INTO A CORNER, OR AS

POLITICAL SCIENTISTS CALL IT,

"GOT THEIR NUTS CAUGHT IN A

VISE."

THANKFULLY, ON THE SENATE FLOOR

YESTERDAY, MINORITY LEADER AND

SEPTUGINARIAN NINJA TURTLE MITCH

[LAUGHTER]

MCCONNELL SWOOPED IN AND SAVED

THE DAY.

FIRST, POINTING OUT THAT THE

REPUBLICANS HAVE NO GOOD

OPTIONS.

>> THE PRESIDENT HAS PRESENTED

US WITH 3 CHOICES: SMOKE AND

MIRRORS, TAX HIKES OR DEFAULT.

REPUBLICANS CHOOSE NONE OF THE

ABOVE.

>> Stephen: COINCIDENTALLY,

"NONE OF THE ABOVE" IS ALSO THE

LEADING REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE HAS A SIMPLE WAY OUT OF

THIS MESS: TO KEEP THE

REPUBLICANS FROM BEING BLAMED

FOR RAISING TAXES OR DEFAULTING

ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS ASK THE

PRESIDENT TO SUBMIT A REQUEST TO

CONGRESS TO RAISE THE DEBT

CEILING.

THEN, VOTE YES ON A RESOLUTION

DISAPPROVING OF THE THING THEY

ASKED THE PRESIDENT TO DO.

THEN, OBAMA WOULD VETO THE

DISAPPROVAL, AND SINCE THE

REPUBLICANS DON'T HAVE THE TWO

THIRDS MAJORITY TO OVERRIDE THE

VETO, THE DEBT CEILING GETS

RAISED AND THE REPUBLICANS GET

TO SAY THEY VOTED AGAINST IT.

TWICE.

JUST LIKE THE CLASSIC JIMMY

STEWART MOVIE.

"MR. SMITH GIVES UP AND STARTS

SHOOTING PEOPLE."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S BRILLIANT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S BRILLIANT.

THE GOP GETS EVERYTHING THEY

WANT, EXCEPT ANYTHING THEY ASKED

FOR.

AND OBAMA GETS STUCK WITH WHAT

HE WANTED TO BEGIN WITH.

AND MCCONNELL HAS GOTTEN THEIR

NUTS OUT OF THAT VISE -- BY

CUTTING THEM OFF AND LEAVING

THEM BEHIND FOR OBAMA TO HANG

FROM HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AS AN

AIR FRESHENER.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT THAT MCCONNELL'S NUTS WOULD

BE THAT REFRESHING.

WHEN WE RETURN, WE WILL BASK IN

THE BRILLIANCE OF MITCH

MCCONNELL WITH WALL STREET

JOURNAL CONGRESSIONAL

CORRESPONDENT, NAFTALI BENDAVID.

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