Monkey on the Lam - Alabama

  • Aired:  03/14/12
  •  | Views: 13,323

There could be any number of gorillas roaming Hale County, AL, and one can only assume they voted for Santorum. (2:47)

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, ANYBODY WHO WATCHES THIS

SHOW KNOWS I'M NO FAN OF

MONKEYS.

EVER SINCE THAT CAN A PIEWCHIN

TRICKED ME INTO INVESTING IN HIS

BANANA PONZI SCHEME.

I GO APE WHEN THERE'S MONKEY

DANGER.

THIS IS MONKEY ON THE LAM.

TONIGHT, A WARNING TO THE

RESIDENTRç OF ALABAMA.

FIRST YOU LIVE IN ALABAMA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT A SECOND WARNING, WE GO TO

KGTV SAN DIEGO, ALABAMA'S MONKEY

NEWS LEADER.

>> AT THIS HOUR THE SHERIFF'S

DEPARTMENT IN WEST CENTRAL

ALABAMA COUNTY HAS SENT OUT AN

EXTRA PATROL AFTER REPORTS OF

ONE GORILLA SPOTTED NEAR A SMALL

TOWN.

THE NEAREST ZOO IS IN BIRMINGHAM

MORE THAN 100 MILES AWAY.

THE ZOO'S ONE GORILLA IS STILL

IN THE BORDERS.

>> STEPHEN: THERE'S A MYSTERY

GORILLA LOOSE IN ALABAMA.

AUTHORITIES ARE LOOKING FOR ONE

GORILLA BUT ACCORDING TO LOCAL

NEWS IT'S UNKNOWN HOW MANY ARE

LOOSE OR IN WHAT DIRECTION THEY

ARE HEADED.

THERE COULD BE ANY NUMBER OF

GORILLAS FROM 1 TO 10,000 BLOOD

THIRSTY APES ROOMING ALABAMA.

WHAT WORRIES ME IS THAT WE HAVE

NO IDEA IF THAT GIANT MOB VOTED

IN LAST NIGHT'S ALABAMA PRIMARY.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME -- I CAN ONLY

ASSUME THE APES CAME OUT BIG FOR

SANTORUM.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION

EITHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY BELIEVE THEY WERE CREATED

IN THE IMAGE OF THEIR LORD AND

SAVIOR REESE CHRIST.

IN THIS IS WHY WE NEED STRICT

VOTER I.D. LAWS, PHONES.

THOUSANDS OF GORILLAS COULD HAVE

WALKED INTO THE POLLING PLACE

AND THROWN THIS ELECTION ALONG

WITH THEIR FECES.

SOME HAVE SAID IT'S A GORILLA.

OTHERS HAVE REPORTED SEEING WHAT

MAY HAVE BEEN A BEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN A GORILLA OR

A BEAR OR BEAR GRYLLZ.

ALABAMA YAMS IF A MAN WITH AN

ENGLISH ACCENT ASKS TO DRINK

YOUR URINE GET OUT OF THERE.

IF YOU SEE ANY GORILLAS IN YOUR

MIDST ATTEMPT TO SAID DATE THEM.

I KNOW WHEN I'M IN THE SOUTH A

PLATE OF HUSH PUPPIES COULD PUT

ME DOWN FOR HOURS.

PLEASE BE VIGILANT.

IF WE'RE IN THE IT'S NOT THE

SOUTH THAT RISES AGAIN IT'S THE

PLANET OF THE APES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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