Colbert Super PAC - Texan Supporters & Super Fun Pack

  • Aired:  03/29/12
  •  | Views: 34,875

Texans contribute more to Colbert Super PAC than to Romney's super PAC, and Stephen wants every college across this great nation to have its own Colbert Super PAC. (7:04)

>> AND FOLKS, RANDOM LUCK DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS EITHER.

IF YOU WANT TO WIN, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A SUPER PAC.

TAKE THE WISCONSIN PRIMARY NEXT TUESDAY.

DO YOU THINK WISCONSINITES WOULD LIKE RICK SANTORUM GIVEN THAT HE IS A WHEEL OF COLBY CHEESE.

NOT THAT SHARP AND HOLIER THAN THOU.

(APPLAUSE) BUT IN RECENT POLLS SANTORUM IS EIGHT POINTS BEHIND MITT ROMNEY IN PART BECAUSE

ROMNEY AND HIS SUPER PAC ARE OUTSPENDING RICK SANTORUM 50 TO 1.

50 TO 1.

ALSO, THE RATIO OF WIVES ROMNEY'S GREAT GRANDFATHER HAD.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY I AM SO GLAD I HAVE COLBERT SUPER PAC.

YOU KNOW-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT IS-- COME ON.

YOU KNOW OUR MOTTO.

MAKING A BETTER TOMORROW,

TOMORROW.

AND ONE OF THOSE TWO TOMORROWS MAY BE ANY DAY NOW.

BECAUSE MY SUPER PAC IS HAVING A SUPERIMPACT.

ACCORDING TO THE "HOUSTON CHRONICLE", MORE TEXANS HAVE DONATED TO AMERICANS FOR A

BETTER TOMORROW TOMORROW THAN TO THE PRO ROMNEY SUPER PAC RESTORE OUR FUTURE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MARTIAL, DO YOU HEAR THAT ROMNEY?

PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND DON'T SMOKE IT BECAUSE TOBACCO IS STRICTLY

FORBIDDEN BY YOUR RELIGION.

APPARENTLY MORE TEXANS RESPOND TO MY MESSAGE CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE THAN

ROMNEY'S MESSAGE M ITT IS A PERSON.

AND ACCORDING TO NONE OTHER THAN THE CONGRESSIONAL NEWSPAPER THE HILL, A SUPER

PAC CRAZE IS SWEEPING THE NATION.

AND THE EXPLOSION OF SUPER PACS IS LIGHTLY BEING FUELED BY A SURGE OF MEDIA

INTERESTS BECAUSE STEPHEN COLBERT HAS BROUGHT THE ISSUE TO LATE-NIGHT TELEVISION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YES, HELL YES!

ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN, FOLK,

OF COURSE THE LIBERAL MEDIA MISSED THE WHOLE STORY.

I HAVE ALSO BROUGHT THE ISSUE TO MIDMORNING REPEAT TELEVISION SO FOLKS CONSIDERING MY INFLUENCE IT

IS NO SURPRISE AT ALL THAT I GOT THIS ACTUAL E-MAIL FROM SOMEONE NAMED PAUL BENEFIEL,

A STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT AUSTIN.

THE FIGHTING ONLY PART OF TEXAS'S LIBERAL.

HE WRITES, QUOTE, AFTER CONVERSING WITH MY PEERS I'VE HAD AN OVERWHELMING

URGE TO START A COLBERT SUPER PAC ORGANIZATION AT MY SCHOOL.

WE WOULD HOLD MEETINGS,

GATHER E-MAILS AND HOLD TALKS WITH OTHER POLICE CALL ORGANIZATION MEETINGS.

WAIT A SECOND, GATHER E-MAILS AND HOLD ORGANIZATIONAL MEETINGS?

CALM DOWN, PARTY ANIMAL.

YOUR PARENTS SENT THERE YOU THERE TO STUDY.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK,

AUDIENCE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SHOULD I GIVE MY BLESSING TO COLLEGE STUDENTS TO SET UP

SUPER PAC EXTENDING THE REACH OF MY POLITICAL-- ACROSS THE CAMPUSES OF AMERICA?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I WILL ASSUME THAT YOUR UNINTELLIGIBLE CHICS ARE A YES.

I'M GOING TO DO IT.

SO MR. BENEFIEL, YOUR ORGANIZATION WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS TEXANS FOR A BETTER TOMORROW TOMORROW.

AND MY AGAIN ROSS SIT NOT LIMITED TO UT AUSTIN.

I WANT EVERY COLLEGE ACROSS THIS GREAT NATION TO HAVE THEIR OWN MY SUPER PAC.

(LAUGHTER) AND THEY CAN HAVE IT TOO,

THANKS TO THE COLBERT SUPER PAC SUPERFUN PACK.

A DO IT YOURSELF SUPER PAC KIT THAT YOU CAN ORDER.

ALL YOU NEED SAY BURNING DESIRE FOR CIVIL ENGAGEMENT AND $99.

THE SUPERFUN PACK COMES WITH ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS TO CREATE YOUR OWN

SUPER PAC WHICH IS ONE.

NOW SURE THIS DOCUMENT IS AVAILABLE ON THE INTERNET FOR FREE BUT DO YOU REALLY

WANT YOUR LOVED ONES SEEING THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION WEB SITE IN YOUR BROWSER HISTORY?

AWKWARD.

PLUS YOU GET A SIMPLE INSTRUCTION MANUAL RIGHT THERE, THERE YOU GO.

FROM MY LAWYER TREVOR POTTER.

NOW THIS IS NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE BUT IF YOU FOLLOW IT CLOSELY, YOU WILL

BUILD A POWERFUL SUPER PAC OR IF YOU MIX UP THE STEPS AND EKBY JARPEN SHELF SYSTEM,

IT ALSO COMES WITH AN ALLEN WRENCH.

YOU'LL ALSO RECEIVE OUR OFFICIAL COLBERT SUPER PAC TURTLES DON'T LIKE PEANUT

BUTTER T-SHIRT.

SO YOU CAN SAY I INFLUENCED THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.

YOU'LL ALSO GET THIS DORM ROOM DOOR SIGN THAT READ DOES NOT ENTER, OFFICIAL

SUPER PAC BUSINESS IN PROGRESS.

AND ON THE BACK IT SAYS IFS SUPER PAC IS CAUCUSING,

DON'T BOTHER KNOCKUSING.

YOU'LL ALSO GET A PAIR OF OFFICIAL COLBERT SUPER PAC TUBE SOCKS, OKAY.

NOW YOUR SUPER PAC CAN TAKE UNLIMITED DONATIONS BUT YOUR TUBE SOCKS CAN ONLY TAKE LIMITED WASHINGS.

ONCE.

SUPERCHEAP.

OKAY.

AND TO KICK OFF YOUR FUND-RAISING, I HAVE INCLUDED THE FORBES LIST OF THE 400 RICHEST AMERICANS.

START CALLING AND REMEMBER,

A RESTRAINING ORDER MEANS YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT NUMBER.

AND-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> MOST IMPORTANTLY, EVERY COLBERT SUPER PAC FUN PACK COMES WITH AN ACTUAL TREASURE MAP.

AND THE FIRST PERSON TO FIND THE TREASURE WINS A FREE APPEARANCE BY ME AT YOUR COLLEGE.

AND I WANT TO GET THIS OUT THERE BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONFUSION, I CALL TOP BUDGET.

PLUS WE WILL HAVE MUCH, MUCH MORE IN HERE.

SO GO TO COLBERT SUPER PAC.COM AND DONATE $99 TO GET YOUR COLBERT SUPER PAC FUN BAG.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, I WILL BE TAKING NO PERSONAL OR LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING YOU DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DON'T HAVE A SUPER PAC OR A TV SHOW, AND MY NAME IS VERALDO JIVERA.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RATE BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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