Tip/Wag - Hammunition & George Clooney

  • Aired:  09/19/13
  •  | Views: 26,192

An Idaho company creates pork-laced bullets to fight Muslim extremists, and George Clooney uses a spy satellite to track Omar al-Bashir's army in Sudan. (3:55)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH FOLKS, YOUKNOW THEY SAY TWO WRONGS

DON'T MAKE A RIGHT.

BUT I RESERVE THE RIGHT TOSAY THEY'RE WRONG TWICE.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, THEWAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, I'M NO FAN OF MUSLIM

EXTREMISTS BUT TO FIGHTEXTREMISTS SOMETIMES YOU

HAVE TO THINK LIKE EXTREMISTS,OR THE VERY LEAST KNOW THEIR

DIETARY RESTRICTIONS.

>> WOULD YOU EXPECT TO SEEPORK ON YOUR BREAKFAST PLATE

OR PERHAPS IN YOUR SAN WITCHBUT HOW ABOUT IN YOUR GUNS,

AMMUNITION?

>> Stephen: NO, I HAD NOTTHOUGHT OF THAT.

PLEASE GO ON.

>> A COMPANY IN NORTH IDAHOIS SELLING THESE BULLETS,

THEY'RE CALLED JIHAWG AMMO.

THEY TARGET ISLAMICEXTREMISTS BECAUSE IN THAT

RELIGIOUS ANYTHING MADE WITHPORK IS CONSIDERED UNCLEAN.

>> Stephen: NO UNCLEANWESTERN WILL BE ADMIT MOOD

PARADISE AN RECEIVE THE 72VIRGINS THEY ARE PROMISED

AFTER DEATH.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW I DID NOT THINK IT WASPOSSIBLE BUT THEY HAVE MADE

BACON SLIGHTLY MORE BAD FORYOU.

(LAUGHTER)SO FOLKS, A TIP OF MY HAT TO

HAMUNITION.

YOU SEE NONHALAL BULLETS ARETHE PERFECT WAY TO SEN OUR

ENEMY THE MESSAGE THAT WEONLY LINLTED AT WHEN WE

KILLED THEM-- HINTED AT WHENWE KILLED THEM.

AND YOU CAN TRUST THE FOLKSAT JIHAWG BECAUSE ACCORDING

TO THEIR WEB SITE THEY CAMEUP WITH THE IDEA WHILE

SITTING AROUND A CAMP FIREENJOYING AN ADULT BEVERAGE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT IS, OF COURSE, ALWAYS

HOW YOU GET THE BEST IDEAS.

REMEMBER, JONAS SALK CAME UPWITH THE POLIO VACCINE WHILE

HUFFING RUST OLIUM AROUND ATRASH CAN FIRE.

AND JIHAWG DOES NOT SKIMP ONQUALITY.

THEY BRAG THAT THEIR PORCINECOATING IS INFUSED WITH THE

HIGHEST QUALITY PORKPRODUCTS MADE RIGHT HERE IN

AMERICA.

BECAUSE, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, WHEN YOU'RE

SHOOTING SOMEONE, YOU CANNOTSETTLE FOR SUBSTANDARD PIG

SLURRY.

MY ONLY WORRY IS THAT NOAMERICAN IS GOING TO WASTE

BACON BULLETS ON THEIRENEMIES.

THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TOFIRE THEM DIRECTLY INTO

THEIR OWN MOUTHS.

I KNOW I AM ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR FASTER WAYS TO GET

SALTED MEETS INTO MY FACE.

BUT AS GOOD AS THEY ARE,BULLETS ARE KIND OF SMALL

PORTIONS SO I'M CALL ONJIHAWG AMMO TO STEP IT UP

AND INVENT THE HAMGRENADE.

FOLKS, A WAG OF MY FINGER ATSEXIEST-- SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

GEORGE CLOONEY.

HE'S ALWAYS STICKING HISPERFECTLY FORMED NOSE WHERE

IT DOES NOT BELONG.

AND NOW HE IS DOING IT WITHTECHNOLOGY.

>> GEORGE CLOONEY HAS HISEYES IN THE SKIES.

THE ACTOR TELLS THE GUARDIANTHAT HE'S USING A SPY

SATELLITE TO TRACK THEDICTATOR OMAR AL-BASHIR.

HE KEEPS A WATCH ON THEDICTATOR HE ARMY AN INFORMS

ON THEIR MOVEMENT.

>> Stephen: CLOONEY, NOBODYCARES IF YOU TIE YOUR KITE

AND FLY IT OVER AFRICA.

LOOK F ARE YOU SERIOUS, IFYOU REALLY WANT ANYONE TO

PAY ATTENTION TO AL-BASHIR,PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR

MOUTH IS AND START DATINGHIM.

OKAY?

MAKE HIM YOUR GO-TO ARMCANDY ON THE RED CARPET.

YOU DO THIS, AND IT WON'T BELONG UNTIL THE PRESS GIVES

YOU GUYS A CUTE COUPLE'SNAME LIKE GEOMAR AL

BALLOONY.

IN FACT, I SAY WE SHOULDMAKE ALL OF OUR WANTED

CRIMINALS A-LIST LENS MEAT.

I MEAN IT TOOK THE CIA OVERA DECADE TO FIND BIN

LADENMENT BUT IF THE TMZ HADBEEN ON THE CASE THEY WOULD

HAVE FOUND HIM IN FOUR DAYSAND GOTTEN AN UPROBE SHOT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.