Heterosexual Accountability Buddy

  • Aired:  07/12/11
  •  | Views: 45,761

A therapist at Dr. Marcus Bachmann's Christian counseling firm recommends taking a straight accountability buddy to a same-sex wedding. (4:14)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, ALL'S FAIR WHEN IT COMES

TO COVERING PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATES BUT THERE ARE SOME

THINGS IN POLITICS THAT ARE

OFF-LIMITS -- LIKE A CANDIDATES'

SPOUSE OR CHILDREN.

BUT LATELY, THE BLAME-STREAM

MEDIA HAS STARTED GOING AFTER

MICHELE BACHMANN'S HUSBAND

DR. MARCUS BACHMANN.

THEY'RE ATTACKING HIS CHRISTIAN

PSYCHO-THERAPY BUSINESS IN AN

ATTEMPT TO RUIN HIS GOOD NAME.

>> DR. BACHMANN'S BRAND OF

COUNSELING IS HIGHLY

CONTROVERSIAL AND COULD BECOME A

CAMPAIGN ISSUE.

DR. BACHMANN RUNS A CHRISTIAN

COUNSELING FIRM.

THAT AT TIMES, ACCORDING TO

FORMER PATIENTS, HAS TRIED TO

CONVERT GAY MEN INTO

HETEROSEXUALS THROUGH CHRISTIAN

PRAYER.

>> Stephen: CHRISTIANITY IS THE

ONLY WAY TO CURE GAYNESS.

JUST GET ON YOUR KNEES, TAKE A

SWIG OF WINE, AND ACCEPT THE

BODY OF A MAN INTO YOUR MOUTH.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW IN THE PAST, DR. BACHMANN

HAS DENIED THAT HIS COUNSELING

CENTER ENGAGES IN GAY THERAPY.

BUT THE GAY RIGHTS ORGANIZATION

"TRUTH WINS OUT" SENT AN

UNDERCOVER HOMOSEXUAL, POSING AS

AN OVER-COVER HOMOSEXUAL, TO

RECORD HIS COUNSELORS WITH

SECRET HOMOSEXUAL CAMERAS.

JIM?

>> HE COULD CURE YOUR

HOMOSEXUALITY?

>> YES.

>> IS THAT WHAT HE SAID?

>> YES.

>> THE TRUTH IS GOD HAS DESIGNED

OUR EYES TO BE ATTRACTED TO THE

WOMEN'S BODY, TO BE ATTRACTED TO

EVERYTHING, TO BE ATTRACTED TO

HER BREASTS.

>> Stephen: YES! BREASTS!

THANK YOU, JESUS!

[LAUGHTER]

GOD WANTS US TO STARE AT THEM!

THAT'S WHY HE PUT THOSE LITTLE

THINGS ON THE TIP -- WHAT DO YOU

CALL THEM?

LITTLE CHEST PENISES?

WHATEVER, NIBLETS.

WHATEVER!

AND WHEN THE GAY MAN ASKED THE

COUNSELOR IF IT WAS ADVISABLE TO

ATTEND A FRIENDS' GAY WEDDING,

THE COUNSELOR RECOMMENDED HE GO

WITH "A HETEROSEXUAL

ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY IN TOW."

[LAUGHTER]

SOUND ADVICE.

WHEN GOING TO A SAME SEX GAY

WEDDING, ALWAYS BRING ANOTHER

DUDE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAY HE CAN DRINK WITH YOU,

DANCE WITH YOU, AND SHARE A

HOTEL ROOM WITH YOU.

REMEMBER -- INSIST ON ONE KING

SIZED BED.

BECAUSE TWO QUEENS IS KIND OF

GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NORMALLY, I'M AS STRAIGHT AS THE

NEXT GUY, BUT TONIGHT, MY NEXT

GUY IS OUR GUEST DAN SAVAGE.

HE IS WEAPONS-GRADE GAY.

AND HE'S THE WORST KIND, TOO:

SMART, THOUGHTFUL, CHARMING, AND

HE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE THE FIRST

DAY OF SPRING.

[LAUGHTER]

SO TO STEEL MYSELF FOR HIS

APPEARANCE TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO

BRING MY OWN HETEROSEXUAL

ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY TO KEEP ME

ON THE STRAIGHT AND

NARROW-MINDED.

OKAY, I'LL GET MY BUILDING

MANAGER TAD OUT HERE. TAD?

>> Stephen: SO, YOU'RE A

HETEROSEXUAL, RIGHT?

>> EXACTLY, I'M A CONFIRMED

BACHELOR.

I WOULD NEVER MARRY A WOMAN.

>> Stephen: SMART MAN.

KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.

>> RIGHT, I DON'T WANT TO GET

TIED DOWN.

I WANT TO BE AVAILABLE--

FOR WOMEN.

>> Stephen: GREAT- ARE YOU BUSY

RIGHT NOW?

>> WELL, NOW'S NOT A GREAT TIME.

I HAVE SOME GUYS OVER HERE, WE

WERE GOING TO GO DOWN TO THE

BOILER ROOM.

>> Stephen: TO FIX THE BOILER?

>> SURE.

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S GOING

TO HAVE TO WAIT.

I NEED A FULL-TIME HANDYMAN FOR

A VERY ROUGH JOB.

>> TO HELP WITH THE INTERVIEW?

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,

TAD AND I WILL GO DOWN ON -- SIT

DOWN ON -- SIT DOWN WITH DAN

SAVAGE.