Nestle's Natural Resource

  • Aired:  06/20/13
  •  | Views: 41,781

Nestle will do anything to keep Americans from drinking the commie water flowing out of their communal taps. (4:24)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, FOLKS.

NATION IF YOU WIEWCH THIS SHO

YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS LOOKING OUT

FOR AMERICA'S WOMEN.

THEY'RE JUGGLING SO MUCH THESE

DAYS-- FAMILY, WORK, AND SO MANY

DIFFERENT BRANDS OF YOGURT.

I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHICH ONE

MAKES JAMIE LEE CURTIS POOP.

AND WITH ALL THAT PRESSURE, I'M

NOT SURPRISED SO MANY WOMEN HAVE

A DRINKING PROBLEM.

SPECIFICALLY, DRINKING THE WRONG

BRAND OF BOTTLED WATER.

THAT'S ABOUT TO END, FOLKS.

CHECK OUT THIS EXCITING PRODUCT

LAUNCH CHOREOGRAPHED BY THE

FOLKS AT NESTLE.

THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST

MOVING BOTTLED WATER THEME

THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE SINCE THE

16-OUNCE D.A. WON THE TONY FOR

ITS HEARTBREAKING PORTRAYAL OF

WILLIE LOMAN.

AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO RESOURCE

WATER, AN EXCITING NEW

INTERPRETATION OF TWO HYDROGEN

AND ONE OXYGEN ATOMS, AIMED AT

STYLISH HIGHER INCOME WOMEN.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

CAUGHT IN THE HAMPTONS DRINKING

LAST YEAR'S WATER.

AND RESOURCE WATER IS MORE THAN

JUST REFRESHMENT, LADIES.

IT WILL HELP YOU ATTAIN TOTAL

ELECTROENLIGHTENMENT UPON I

WOULD NEVER DRINK RESOURCE WATER

BECAUSE I'M A DUDE.

I ONLY DRINK WATER MEANT FOR

GUYS.

THAT'S CALLED BEER.

BUT AS A BUSINESSMAN, I DO LOVE

ALL THESE INNOVATIONS IN BOTTLED

WARRANT MARKETING.

ANYTHING TO KEEP AMERICANS FROM

DRINKING THE COMMIE WATER

FLOWING OUT OF THEIR COMMUNAL

TAP.

BECAUSE I SAY IT'S A SLIPPERY

SLOPE FROM GROUP DRINKING WATER

TO GROUP SHOWERING.

NOT IN MY LIFE, BUDDY.

NO, RESOURCE WATER IS JUST THE

LATEST MEMBER OF THE NESTLE

FAMILY OF IMPLASTICIZED WATER

ALONG WITH ARROWHEAD, DEER PARK,

ICE MOUNTAIN ACQUA PANNA, ACQUA

PANNA, AND ZEPHYR HILLS.

NAMING ALL THOSE WATERS MADE ME

THIRSTY.

I COULD GO FOR A POLAND SPRINGS.

AND POLAND SPRING.

FOLKS, WITH THESE PRODUCTS

NESTLE IS HOPING TO CORNER THE

DEMOGRAPHIC THAT MARKETERS

CRAVE-- CARBON-BASED LIFE FORMS

AGED ZERO TO ANYTHING.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE VISION OF

NESTLE CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD,

PETER BRABECK.

HERE HE IS EXPLAINING WHY OUR

MOST PRICELESS RESOURCE COULD

USE A PRICE TAG.

>> ( translated ): WATER IS,

OF COURSE, THE MOST IMPORTANT

RAW MATERIAL WE HAVE TODAY IN

THE WORLD.

IT'S A QUESTION OF WHETHER WE

SHOULD PRIVATIZE THE NORMAL

WATER SUPPLY FOR THE POPULATION

AND THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT

OPINIONS ON THE MATTER.

THE ONE OPINION, WHICH I THINK

IS EXTREME, AS A HUMAN BEING,

YOU SHOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO

WATER.

THAT'S AN EXTREME SOLUTION.

PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE IT'S

BETTER TO GIVE A FOODSTUFF A

VALUE SO WE'RE ALL AWARE IT HAS

ITS PRICE.

>> Stephen: THERE IS NO MORE

COMFORTING SPOKESPERSON THAN A

CALCULATING GERMAN SPEAKING MAN

OUTLINING HIS PLAN TO CONTROL

THE WORLD'S WATER SUPPLY.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A LOT OF

GERMAN FANS HERE TONIGHT.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

WITHOUT PUTTING A PRICE ON IT,

HOW WOULD WE KNOW WE NEED WATER.

DEATH?

SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK,

NESTLE.

AT THIS RATE, THERE WON'T BE ANY

BODY OF WATER YOU CAN'T PUT A

PRICE ON, AT LEAST THE ONES THAT

AREN'T ALREADY CHOCK FULL OF

YOUR PLASTIC BOTTLES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.