Trump's Cancellation & Stephen's South Carolina Serious, Classy Re-Announcement

  • Aired:  12/13/11
  •  | Views: 40,936

To honor the memory of Donald Trump mattering, Stephen re-announces Stephen Colbert's South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate. (4:54)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT," THANK

YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, FOLKS, I'M

GOING TO TELL YOU, WHEN I HEAR

YOU PEOPLE CHANTING MY NAME, YOU

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS.

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT

BECAUSE I HAVE GOT HUGE BREAKING

NEWS.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO SIT DOWN

TO HERE THIS.

IF YOU'RE ALREADY SITTING DOWN,

PLEASE STAND UP AND THEN SIT

DOWN AGAIN.

ARE YOU RESEATD?

GOOD.

BECAUSE I HAVE SOME SHOCKING

NEWS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S

DECEMBER 27 DEBATE.

>> I'VE GOT ABOUT FOUR PEOPLE IN

MY EAR TELLING ME THAT WE'VE

BEEN ABLE TO CONFIRM DONALD

TRUMP IS OUT.

HE'S FIRED HIMSELF, HE'S NOT

GOING TO MODERATE THAT DEBATE

DECEMBER 27.

>> ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.

I'VE GOT FOUR PEOPLE IN MY EAR,

I'VE GOT TWO PEOPLE IN MY LUNGS

AND ONE GUY CRAWLING UP MY ASS

TO TELL ME THE SAME THING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS JUST IN.

I CAN CON NARPL THE DONALD THE

TRUMP HAS PULLED OUT OF HIS OWN

DEBATE THAT ALL BUT TWO OF THE

CANDIDATES HAD ALREADY PULLED

OUT OF.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THIS WILL BE HUGELY

EMBARRASSING FOR TRUMP IF THAT

WERE AN EMOTION HE WERE CAPABLE

OF FEELING.

NOW I ASSUME THE DATE CONFLICTED

WITH TRAMP'S ANNUAL FULL-BODY

GOLD LEAFING.

BUT IT TURNS OUT HE HAS CANCELED

FOR A MORE IMPORTANT REASON.

JIM?

>> IN A STATEMENT, TRUMP SAYS

HE'S PULLING OUT TO A AVOID A

CONFLICT OF INTEREST FOR THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAUSE HE

WON'T RULE OUT INDEPENDENT RUNS!

>> THE HEAD OF THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY SAID THAT REALLY IT'S

INAPPROPRIATE AND HE SAID IT

FAIRLY STRONGLY AND I HAVE A

RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

IN FACT, THEY HAD THEIR BIGGEST

AND MOST SUCCESSFUL FUND-RAISER

AT MY CLUB IN WASHINGTON.

THEY SAID IT'S INAPPROPRIATE TO

BE DOING THIS, TO BE HAVING THE

REPUBLICANS SHOW UP TO A DEBATE

WHERE DONALD TRUMP IS THE

MODERATOR IF DONALD TRUMP IS

GOING TO RUN OR EVEN POTENTIALLY

RUN AS AN INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE.

>> Stephen: AS AN INDEPENDENT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I THINK HE SHOULD RUN IN

THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, ALTHOUGH

IT MIGHT MAKE MORE SENSE IF HE

RAN AS A WIG.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY-O!

MICHAEL, PLEASE, THIS IS

IMPORTANT.

FOLKS, I WOULD BE LYING IF I

DIDN'T SAY I SAW THIS COMING.

DONALD TRUMP IS A FRIEND, HE'S

MY BEST FRIEND.

NUMBER ONE BEST GREATEST FRIEND

OF ALL TIME.

WE RACE YACHTS, WE TRADE

MISTRESSES, I CALL HIM TRUMP

CARD, HE CALLS ME COLD BEER.

THAT SAID, THE GUY'S A BOOB.

HE LOOKS LIKE A TAN JELL-O HAD

SEX WITH AN OLD DISH RAG.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I

LOVE THIS MAN.

AND TO HONOR THE MEMORY OF TRUMP

MATTERING, IT IS MORE IMPORTANT

THAN EVER THAT TONIGHT I

REANNOUNCE MY STEPHEN COLBERT'S

SOUTH CAROLINA SERIOUS CLASSY

REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

A LOT OF EXCITEMENT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT.

WE'VE SET THE DATE LATE TO

MID-JANUARY, MARK YOUR CALENDAR.

THERE'S BEEN TREMENDOUS INTEREST

SO FAR, HUGE MASSIVE PENDULOUS

INTEREST.

EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT MY

DEBATE.

SALON, DAILY BEAST, NPR, THE

"PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER", PASS

MARK CIRCULAR.

(LAUGHTER)

AND NOW IT'S GOING TO BE EVEN

BIGGER THAN EVER WITH RICK

SANTORUM AND NEWT GINGRICH FREE

FROM THEIR COMMITMENT TO TRUMP.

YOU STILL HAVE A HOME IN MY

DEBATE, BOYS, I AM DELIGHTED

ABOUT NEWT.

I AM LESS DELIGHTED ABOUT

SANTORUM BUT STILL SOLID DELIGHT

ACROSS THE BOARD.

OKAY, NOW THE DEBATE IS GOING TO

BE ON A NEW NETWORK.

IT'S GOING TO BE ON ANIMAL

PLANET.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I AM GETTING... I AM GETTING

SOME HOT HEAT FROM NATIONAL

GEOGRAPHIC.

NAT GEO, NATTY G, THEY HAVE THE

MOST NATURAL SUN SCORCHED RACKS.

THE PRIMO NUMBER ONE CLASSIEST

TITTYS IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE VERY NICE.

THEY'RE VERY NICE.

WE'RE GOING TO HOLD THE ENTIRE

THING AT A ZOO IN THE POLAR BEAR

ENCLOSURE, LET THE POLAR BEAR

PICK THE WINNER.

ALL THE CANDIDATES GET PRE-RUBED

WITH SALMON.

THE FINEST SAY BARS, LOWER

PRICES.

CANDIDATES, CALL ME, WRITE ME,

SEND AN ED EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT IN

THE SHAPE OF THE WORDS "I'M IN."

NOTE, NO CANTALOUPE, HONEY DEW

ONLY, MELON OF KINGS.

MOVING O

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