Iran's Space Monkey & America's Ape Moratorium

  • Aired:  01/29/13
  •  | Views: 16,969

Iran acquires weapons of macaque destruction, while the National Institute of Health retires 110 government-owned chimpanzees. (3:51)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE BROADCAST, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN B.C. [ THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK SO MUCH.

PLEASE, NATION, HEROS SIT DOWN.

WELCOME TO THE BROADCAST, COMING TO YOU, AS ALWAYS, IN BONE-JOSTLING SENSURROUND!

[ LAUGHTER ]

A LOT OF TECHNOLOGY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NATION, FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN WARNING YOU ABOUT IRAN.

THEY'RE ALMOST AS BIG A THREAT AS OUR OTHER ENEMY EE-RAHN.

FRIGHTENING.

ALSO, FREETENING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW THERE'S AN EVEN BIGGER REASON TO BE AFRAID.

>> IRAN HAS JUST LAUNCHED A MONKEY INTO SPACE, LAUDING IT IS AN ADVANCE IN MISSILE AND SPACE

PROGRAM THAT ALARMED THE WEST AND ISRAEL.

>> HOW DID THEY LAUNCH A MONKEY INTO SPACE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: EXCELLENT QUESTION, GRETCHEN.

HOW DID THEY LAUNCH A MONKEY INTO SPACE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID THEY USE A GIANT SLINGSHOT?

OR A MONKEY SIZED T-SHIRT CANNON?

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR DID THEY DO THE OBVIOUS: PUT YELLOW-TINTED GLASSES ON A MONKEY AND WAIT UNTIL A CRESCENT

MOON SO IT THINKS IT'S A BANANA AND CLIMBS UP THERE HIMSELF?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW DID THEY DO IT?!

>> THEY'VE GOT ROCKETS OVER THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Stephen: HUH.

THEY'VE GOT ROCKETS OVER THERE.

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN WORRYING ABOUT ENRICHED URANIUM-- IRAN HAS BEEN

ACQUIRING WEAPONS OF MACAQUE DESTRUCTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT WON'T BE LONG UNTIL ICBM'S-- INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MONKEYS-- ARE HURLING THEIR

FECES DOWN ON US FROM THEIR SUB-ORBITAL TIRE SWINGS!

WHAT HAPPENED TO AMERICA?

WHEN I WAS A KID, WE LED THE WORLD IN AIRBORNE CHIMP TECHNOLOGY, AND EVERY CHILD

DREAMT OF GROWING UP TO LAUNCH A BEWILDERED, FRIGHTENED ANIMAL INTO THE ICY VOID OF SPACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT SADLY WE CANCELED THAT PROGRAM.

AND FOLKS, THIS NEWS COULD NOT COME AT A WORSE TIME, BECAUSE THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF

HEALTH "ANNOUNCED A MORATORIUM ON NEW CHIMP RESEARCH FUNDING." AND THEY'RE "RETIRING 110

GOVERNMENT-OWNED CHIMPS," DESPITE THE FACT THAT DUE TO LACK OF FUNDING, OUR CHIMP SANCTUARY SYSTEM HAS NO

MORE SPACE.

SO NOW ALL THOSE APES THAT WE COULD HAVE HUMANELY FIRED INTO THE SUN ARE GOING TO BE RELEASED

ONTO THE STREETS!

BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL BE ABLE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET ALL THAT SCIENTIFIC TESTING WE PUT THEM

THROUGH AND LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE.

RIGHT?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

PLEASE.

WE'VE GOT TO GET THE AYATOLLAHS TO SHOOT OUR RETIRED CHIMPS INTO SPACE.

OH, THEY'LL NEVER DO IT-- UNLESS WE TELL THEM THE CHIMPS ARE GAY ISRAELIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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