Stephen's Holiday Break

  • Aired:  01/07/13
  •  | Views: 35,316

Stephen spends the first six days of vacation just going to the bathroom. (2:54)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO THE BROADCAST.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

NATION, I AM BACK!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, I HAVEN'T SAT AT THIS DESK FOR 24 DAYS.

THAT IS 576 HOURS OR TWO VIEWINGS OF LES MISERABLES.

BY THE WAY, FOR THE RECORD I THINK JAVERT IS GETTING A RAW DEAL HERE.

HE'S JUST A COP DOING HIS JOB.

JEAN VALJEAN IS A CRIMINAL AND MUST BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.

YOU'RE A THIEF!

HOLLYWOOD SOFT ON CRIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF COURSE, I SPENT EVERY MINUTE OF THE BREAK WITH MY FAMILY.

NOW, IT TURNS OUT --

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY ARE A LOVELY BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GREAT COMPANY.

I WISH THEM ALL THE BEST.

SEE YOU IN THE SPRING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, FOLKS, LIKE MANY AMERICANS, OVER THE HOLIDAYS I TOOK CARE OF A LOT OF THINGS I'VE BEEN

PUTTING OFF.

THE FIRST SIX DAYS, I SPENT JUST GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

JUST TOO BUSY DURING THE ELECTION.

I ALSO WENT TO THE DOCTOR FOR A FULL PHYSICAL.

THAT AREA I WAS WORRIED ABOUT, GOT SOME CREAM FOR IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THOSE ODD LITTLE GROWTHS, APPARENTLY THOSE ARE TOES.

DOC SAYS I NEED THEM.

WHATEVER.

HE'S THE ONE WITH THE FANCY GROW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT EVEN THOUGH I HAD MORE THAN THREE WEEKS OFF, I'M HAPPY TO SAY, DO NOT WORRY NATION, I AM

NOT RUSTY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AM I RUSTY?

I WANT TO MAKE SURE I'M NOT RUSTY.

RUSTY COLBERT?

NO.

I'LL GOING THAT FOR A SECOND.

RUSTY COLBERT, OH, DO NOT GOOGLE RUSTY COLBERT.

THAT DOES LOOK LIKE ME.

THAT'S ERASE THAT BROWSER HISTORY WHILE WE'RE HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

THAT'S MY NAME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND FOLKS, I GET SUPER ANGRY OVER GAY PENGUINS.

[ LAUGHTER ]