Malaysia Airlines' Missing Plane

  • Aired:  03/24/14
  •  | Views: 26,244

Cable news coverage of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 veers into bizarre conversations about black holes and "zombie planes." (5:38)

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

YOU KNOW, NATION, YOU KNOWTHAT THE WORLD HAS BEEN

GRIPPED BY THE MYSTERY OFMALAYSIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT

370.

WE HEAR THE REPORTS, SENDOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO

ALL THOSE SUFFERING GREATLOSS BECAUSE TODAY THE

MYSTERY BECAME A TRAGEDYWHEN THE MALAYSIAN

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCED THEPLANE WENT DOWN IN THE

INDIAN OCEAN AND THERE WERENO SURVIVORS.

THANKFULLY THEY INFORMED THEFAMILIES FIRST IN THE MOST

APPROPRIATE MANNER, VIA TEXTMESSAGE.

YES.

TEXT MESSAGE.

BECAUSE SNAPCHAT WOULD BEINSENSITIVE.

NOW BECAUSE MALAYSIA RADARSYSTEM APPEARS TO BE A JAIL

BROKEN iPHONE ATTACHED TO ADREAM CATCHER, THERE WAS

VERY LITTLE INFORMATION TOREPORT LAST WEEK BUT I'M

HAPPY TO SAY THAT DID NOTSTOP MY COLLEAGUES IN THE 24

HOUR NEWS GAME FROM YANKINGTHEORIES OUT OF THEIR ASS-DAR.

JIM?

>> ONE THEORY IS IT FLEW INTHE SHADOW OF ANOTHER PLANE

AND SO ON THE RADAR IT WASPICKED UP JUST AS ONE MOVING

OBJECT.

>> I THINK THIS IS AWELL-FUNDED HIGH-TECH HIJACK

OPERATION AND IT'S SITTINGSOMEWHERE IN THE JUNGLE.

>> MY FAVORITE THEORY, THE5% THEORY IS THAT BECAUSE OF

SOME SECRET PASSENGER WITHSOME SECRET CARGO, THE

AIRCRAFT WAS HIJACKED ANDLANDED SOMEPLACE.

>> THE ENGINES JUST RUN OUT.

>> THAT IS THE THEORY OF THEZOMBIE PLANE.

>> I REALLY DON'T LIKE THETERM ZOMBIE PLANE, THAT

CONNOTES A SINISTER ASPECTTO IT I PREFER TO CALL IT A

GHOST PLANE.

>> ANOTHER THEORY GETTINGTONS OF ATTENTION FOCUS ON

THE BIZARRE NEW MIRACLECOINCIDENCES, FOR EXAMPLE,S

THE FLIGHT NUMBER 370.

THE FLIGHT DISAPPEARED ONTHE THIRD MONTH, 7th DAY OF

THE YEAR, AND MALAYSIAAIRLINE FLIES NEARLY 37,000

PASSENGERS EVERY DAY.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

FLIGHT 370 DISAPPEARED INMONTH THREE ON DAY SEVEN

WHICH HAS ZERO SIGNIFICANCE.

(LAUGHTER)COINCIDENCE?

COINCIDENCE?

I THINK NOT.

ALSO NOT THINKING, CNN'S DONLEMON.

>> WHO DISTINGUISHED HIMSELFWITH AN UNPARALLELED ORGY OF

TIME KILLING SPECULATIONLIKE THIS.

>> IT WAS SOMETHING FULLYTHAT WE DON'T REALLY

UNDERSTAND.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEENASKING ABOUT THAT, ABOUT

BLACK HOLES AND ON AND ONAND ON AND ALL THESE

CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

ONE SAYS WHAT ELSE CAN YOUTHINK ABOUT, BLACK HOLES,

BERMUDA TRIANGLE.

JUST LIKE THE MOVIE LOSTTHAT IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE

SAYING.

I KNOW IS PREPOSTEROUS.

BUT IS IT PREPOSTEROUS DOYOU THINK.

>> WELL, BLACK HOLE, A SMALLBLACK HOLE WOULD SUCK IN OUR

ENTIRE UNIVERSE SO WE KNOWIT'S NOT THAT.

BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS OFTENWEATHER AND LOST IS A TV

SHOW.

>> YES.

LOST IS A TV SHOW WITH NOFOUNDATION IN REALITY,

UNLIKE DON LEMON'S TV SHOWWHICH IS FIRMLY GROUNDED IN

ANONYMOUS TWEETS.

BUT DON ISN'T THE ONLY ONEWILLING TO ASK THE HARD TO

BELIEVE QUESTIONS.

>> WHY HASN'T ANYONECONSIDERED THE SERVICES OF A

CREDIBLE PSYCHICSPECIALIZING IN MISSING

PERSONS.

IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE BUTTHEY HAVE BEEN USED BEFORE.

>> IN THE PAST GOVERNMENTSHAVE USED PSYCHICS.

>> THEY DO USE PSYCHICS BUTIT'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

IT'S NOT REALLY A CREDIBLESOURCE.

PSYCHICS CAN'T BESUBJECTIVE.

I DON'T THINK IN THIS CASETHEY WOULD USE A PSYCHIC.

>> NO, NO, CNN HEADLINE NEWSWOULD NEVER REACH OUT TO

PSYCHIC.

>> JOINING US LISA WILLIAMS,A PSYCHIC MEDIUM.

>> WOW!

>> I, I GOT TO TELL YOU, IDID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

I MEAN YOU WOULD HAVE TO BESOME KIND OF PSYCHIC.

>> LISA, I'LL START WITHYOU.

YOU KNOW YOUR THEORY HERE ISTHAT THIS PLANE LANDED

SOMEWHERE, SOME OF THEPASSENGERS STILL ALIVE.

THE COPILOT WAS INVOLVED.

>> NATURALLY I DON'TACTUALLY HAVE HARD CONCRETE

EVIDENCE.

AND I THINK THE ONLY PSYCHICWHO HAS HARD CONCRETE

EVIDENT CAN'T DO THEIR JOBCORRECTLY BECAUSE THEY GET

MISINFORMED.

THEY GET INTERPRETED AND NOWJUST THEY'LL JUST WORK ON

WHAT THEY KNOW.

SO I TEND WORK WORK OFF WHATI DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)>> SHE WORKS OFF-- SHE WORKS

OFF WHAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW.

WHAT BUSINESS DOES SHE HAVEBEING A GUEST ON CABLE NEWS.

SHE SHOULD BE A HOST ONCABLE NEWS.

AND FOLKS, SHE MIGHT-- SHEMIGHT SOON BECAUSE CNN'S

MALAYSIAN FLIGHT COVERAGEDOUBLED THEIR RATINGS AMONG

VIEWERS BETWEEN AGES 25 AND54, WHICH DREW A LOT OF

CRITICISM FROM THE FOLKS ATFOX NEWS WHICH STILL LEADS

THE RATINGS IN VIEWERS AGE25 PLUS 54.

AND THOSE KIND OF RATINGSTHEY GET THOSE RATINGS

BECAUSE FOX DID NOT ENGAGEIN WILD SPECULATION.

THEY ENGAGED IN HARD FACTS.

>> SO IT TOOK US WHAT, 100YEARS TO FIND THE TITANIC

TOOK THEM 2,000 YEARSTO FIND NOAH'S ARK.

DO WE EVER FIND FLIGHT 370?

>> I THINK-- .

>> Stephen: YEAH, WE ALLREMEMBER WHERE WE WERE WHEN

THEY FOUND NOAH'S ARK.

OVER THERE WHERE THEY FOUNDIT, YOU KNOW.

THAT BIG-- REMEMBER WHENTHEY COVERED-- HUGE STORY!

AND FOLKS, PHIL HAMMER KNOWSHOW TOUGH A SEARCH LIKE THIS

CAN BE.

IT TOOK HIM THREE MONTHS JUSTTO FIND WALDO.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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