St. Valentine's Day

  • Aired:  02/14/13
  •  | Views: 18,571

Valentine's Day should be spent guzzling skins full of wine, sacrificing goats to Venus, and whipping women to promote fertility. (2:57)

[EAGLE CAW] [CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, THESE FOLKS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, WHEN YOU DO THAT, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SHAKE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, BEFORE WE BEGIN, I WANT TO WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HOPE YOU'RE SPENDING IT WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING MY SHOW, YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO HOLIDAYS, I'M AN ORIGINALIST.

ON CHRISTMAS, IT'S NOT SANTA CLAUS, IT'S SINTERKLAAS.

YOU LEAVE OUT YOUR SHOES FOR HIM TO FILL WITH NUTS AND DRIED FRUIT, OR, IF YOU'VE BEEN

NAUGHTY, YOU'RE KIDNAPPED BY HIS MOORISH ELFIN SIDEKICK BLACK PETER.

[LAUGHTER]

HO, HO, HO.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I HAVE THE SAME RIGOROUS STANDARDS FOR SAINT VALENTINE'S DAY.

I FOCUS ON WHAT THE DAY'S REALLY ABOUT: NOT THE CHOCOLATES, OR THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS, OR THE

FANCY JEWELRY-- ALTHOUGH I LOVE GETTING ALL OF THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, THE TRUE MEANING OF VALENTINE'S DAY IS ALL ABOUT THE L-WORD: LUPERCALIA!--THE MID-FEBRUARY

ROMAN FERTILITY FEAST THAT ST.VALENTINE'S DAY IS BASED ON.

[LAUGHTER]

AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW, LUPERCALIA IS NAMED FOR LUPA, THE SHE-WOLF WHO SUCKLED ROME'S TWIN FOUNDERS

ROMULUS AND REMUS.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, I SAY THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY: NOT ENOUGH WOLF-TEAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

SO TO THE GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW, A LITTLE HINT, AFTER THE SHOW TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO CELEBRATE

A TRADITIONAL VALENTINE'S DAY -- BY GUZZLING A COUPLE OF SKINS FULL OF WINE, SACRIFICING A GOAT

TO VENUS, WEARING ITS SKIN, AND RACING THROUGH YOUR TOWN, WHIPPING ANY WOMEN YOU PASS WITH

A SHORT LEATHER THONG TO PROMOTE FERTILITY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW, ROMANCE!

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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