Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear Chinatown Bus Tickets

  • Aired:  10/14/10
  •  | Views: 67,202

Since Oprah won't send Stephen's audience to D.C., he buys them tickets for the Shin Wu Chinatown bus. (3:56)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, I HAVE SOME EXCITING NEWS

ABOUT MY MARCH TO KEEP FEAR

ALIVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BUT FIRST, AS ALWAYS, MY MARCH

COVERAGE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

REESE'S, THE MOST TERRIFYING

CANDY BECAUSE WE TRACED A PHONE

CALL AND THE PEANUT BUTTER IS

COMING FROM INSIDE THE

CHOCOLATE.

GET OUT OF THERE.

HERE'S THE BIG NEWS: WE FOUND A

LOCATION FOR MY MARCH.

I AM HOLDING IT AT JON STEWART'S

RALLY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT IS NOW THE RALLY TO RESTORE

SANITY AND/OR FEAR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SO IT IS WITH A HUMBLE HEART

THAT I SAY TO MY FRIEND JON

STEWART, SUCKER.

( LAUGHTER )

I GET A FREE PLACE FOR MY MARCH.

YOU DID EVERYTHING AND I DID

NOTHING.

I AM THE GARFUNKEL TO YOUR

SIMON.

HE HAS GOT TO PUT UP THE STAGE.

HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

CLEANUP.

SO GET IN THOSE PORT-A-POTTIES

AND GO HOG WILD.

IT'S ON HIS TAB.

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU OUT IN THE

VIEWING AUDIENCE WHO WATCHED

"THE DAILY SHOW" TONIGHT, YOU

MIGHT HAVE SEEN OPRAH MAKE AN

ANNOUNCEMENT THAT MY STUDIO

AUDIENCE IS UNAWARE OF.

SHE IS SENDING JON STEWART'S

AUDIENCE TO THE RALLY.

BUT NOT SENDING MY AUDIENCE.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, FOLKS,

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

SHHH.

FOLKS, IT'S OKAY.

MY GRANDFATHER HAD A SAYING.

HE USED TO SAY, [BLEEPED] OPRAH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M YOUR OPRAH.

LOOK UNDERNEATH YOUR CHAIRS.

I AM BRINGING THIS STUDIO

AUDIENCE TO MY MARCH!

YOU'RE GOING TO THE MARCH AND

YOU'RE GOING TO THE MARCH AND

YOU'RE GOING TO THE MARCH.

EVERYBODY'S GOING TO MY MARCH!

EVERYBODY'S GOING TO MY MARCH!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I WILL PAY FOR EVERYONE HERE

TONIGHT TO TRAVEL TO WASHINGTON,

D.C., ON A BUS FROM CHINATOWN.

THAT'S RIGHT, THE SHIN-WU BUS

LINE DEPARTING SOMEWHERE IN THE

BOWELS OF CHINATOWN AND DROPPING

YOU OFF IN AN UNDETERMINED

LOCATION IN THE D.C. METRO AREA.

ON SHIN-WU, YOU'LL LEARN THE

LATEST MANDARIN CURSE WORDS FROM

YOUR DRIVER.

AND SHIN-WU BOASTS THE LATEST IN

COMFORT TECHNOLOGY, LIKE SEATS,

AND OFTEN HAS WINDOWS.

REMEMBER, ON SHIN-WU, YOUR

CHICKEN RIDES FOR FREE.

[CLURKING]

A QUICK DISCLAIMER: SHIN-WU

TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR

ENGINE FAILURE, LACK OF TOILETS

OR CHICKEN BITES.

AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT

PUTTING YOU UP IN A HOTEL,

PAYING FOR YOUR MEALS OR

BRINGING YOU BACK TO NEW YORK.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, REMEMBER, REMEMBER, FOLKS

MY RALLY/MARCH IS ON HALLOWEEN

WEEKEND.

THERE ARE GOING TO BE PARTIES

THAT SATURDAY NIGHT.

SO COME IN COSTUME DRESSED AS

SOMETHING TERRIFYING, LIKE A GAY

MEXICAN GRIZZLY BEAR.

THOUSANDS OF YOU HAVE ALREADY

E-MAILED ME PICTURES OF YOUR

SPOOKY COSTUMES, ASKING IF

THEY'RE SCARY ENOUGH.

WELL, NOW YOU CAN FIND OUT BY

GOING TO SPOOKYORDOOKY.COM,

WHERE YOU CAN UPLOAD A PICTURE

OF YOURSELF IN YOUR SCARY

COSTUME.

YOU WILL THEN BE PITTED AGAINST

OTHER COSTUMES AND VISITORS TO

THE SITE WILL VOTE FOR THE MOST

TERRIFYING.

UPLOAD AND VOTE BY OCTOBER

28th AND I WILL SHOW THE

SPOOKIEST COSTUMES AT MY RALLY.

LY SEE YOU OCTOBER