Halls Mentho-Lyptus Cough Drops

  • Aired:  02/27/13
  •  | Views: 15,784

Stephen files paperwork to change Jay the Intern's name to "Halls Mentho-Lyptus with Triple Soothing Action Presents Jay the Intern." (3:15)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, WE HAVE TO DO THE SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FOLKS --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF YOU WATCH THIS PROGRAM, AND I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT YOU DO, YOU KNOW THAT IF NOTHING ELSE I'M A

COMPANY MAN.

AND I COULD NOT BE PROUDER THAT THIS SHOW IS A PROFITMAKING TSUNAMI FOR MY PARENT COMPANY VIACOM.

[LAUGHTER]

MAKE NO MISTAKE, I AM THE REASON CEO PHILIPPE DAUMANN CAN AFFORD HIS DAILY SAFFRON AND ROSEWATER

SCROTUM DIPS.

[LAUGHTER]

FRESH AS A DAISY, SIR.

FRESH AS A DAISY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WHEN CORPORATE CALLS AND SAYS, "STEVEO WE NEED A SPONSOR INTEGRATION FOR HALLS

MENTHOLYPTUS ON YOUR SHOW TONIGHT," I SAY, "AM I CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO?" THEY SAY, "YES."

I SAY, "THEN I LOVE IT."

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, I HAVE TO PROTECT MY REPUTATION AS A NEWSMAN.

I CAN'T BE SELLING MY NAME TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER.

SO INSTEAD I'M SELLING MY INTERN'S NAME.

HALLS, GET OUT HERE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE AMERICA'S NUMBER-ONE COUGH DROP, HALLS?

>> MY NAME IS JAY.

>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, I'VE ALREADY FILED PAPERWORK TO LEGALLY CHANGE IT.

>> SO MY LEGAL NAME IS HALLS MENTHOLYPTUS?

>> Stephen: WELL, TECHNICALLY, IT'S HALLS MENTHOLYPTUS WITH TRIPLE SOOTHING ACTION

PRESENTS JAY THE INTERN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DOES THIS MEAN I GET PAID NOW?

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY-- YOU'RE GETTING PAID IN AN INTENSE, UPWARD COOLING OF THE

NASAL PASSAGES THAT YOU CAN FEEL WHEN YOU TAKE A BREATH.

>> DO I GET HEALTH CARE?

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

NOW SAY IT.

>> I DON'T WANT TO.

>> Stephen: SAY IT!

>> LET THE COOL IN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT, HALLS?

>> LET THE COOL IN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YEAH, LET IT IN.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WASN'T SO HARD, WAS IT?

HALLS MENTHOLYPTUS WITH TRIPLE SOOTHING ACTION PRESENTS JAY THE INTERN, EVERBODY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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