Easter Under Attack - Bunny vs. Bilby

  • Aired:  04/09/12
  •  | Views: 11,279

The Australian conservationists' Easter Bilby threatens the sacred holiday ritual of dying a rabbit pink and gorging on its chocolate offspring. (4:54)

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COMEDY CENTRAL (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) RZ WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, FIRST OF ALL, BEFORE WE START THE SHOW TONIGHT I HAVE TO TAKE A MOMENT HERE

TO GIVE A BIG SHOUTOUT TO ALL MY BRONIES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND I DO WANT TO REITERATE THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, THERE ARE A LOT OF NIECES OUT THERE VERY EXCITED RIGHT NOW.

NATION, I HOPE YOU HAD A FANTASTIC EASTER.

I SPENT THE HOLIDAY SURROUNDED BY FAMILY, GOING TO CHURCH, AND TOTALLY DOMINATING MY NEIGHBORHOOD

EASTER EGG HUNT.

SUCK IT, TYLER!

I CAN'T BELIEVE-- I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THE OLD GO CHECK UNDER THE HEDGES TRICK.

THERE WAS NOTHING UNDER THE HEDGES.

I GOT ALL THE EGGS!

INCLUDING THESE THREE, I TOOK THEM FROM HIM.

I WON EASTER!

YOU CAN WIN.

(LAUGHTER) AND MINE WASN'T THE ONLY DISPLAY OF EAST ERAT LET CIVIL.

>> AN EASTER SUNDAY SERMON IN FRONT OF A CHURCH PACKED WITH TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

WORSHIPPERS, AT THE PULPIT THE MAN THEY CALL GOD'S QUARTERBACK.

>> Stephen: YES, HE'S GOD'S QUARTERBACK.

AND EVIDENTLY DENVER HAS HIGHER STANDARDS THAN GOD.

AND THE-- (APPLAUSE) WHY TEBOW ON EASTER?

WELL, THAT'S OBVIOUS.

>> OBVIOUSLY IT'S OUR SUPER BOWL.

EASTER IS THE RESURRECTION OF CHRIST IN WHICH WE CELEBRATE IN OUR FAITH.

>> Stephen: YES, EASTER IS THE SUPER BOWL OF CHRISTIANITY.

WHEN WE CELEBRATE THE TRIUMPH OF THE ULTIMATE COME FROM BEHIND PLAYER, JESUS CHRIST.

ALL JUDEA HAD COUNTED HIM OUT BUT EMERGED THREE DAYS LATER AND UTTERED THOSE

FAMOUS WORDS, I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD.

(APPLAUSE) WHERE HE DELIVERED THE SERMON ON THE SPACE MOUNTAIN.

I'M SURE YOU THINK THAT NOW THAT IT'S MONDAY, EASTER IS SAFE FROM THE SECULAR

PROGRESSIVES OUT THERE BUT JESUS ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT CAN SURPRISE YOU.

THIS IS EASTER UNDER ATTACK.

TONIGHT, OH, HE'S PACKING.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE'S PACKING.

TONIGHT A DISTURBING ATTACK FROM AUSTRALIA, WHERE BECAUSE OF THE TIME CHANGE I

BELIEVE IT'S STILL SUNDAY,

OR AS THEY SAY, SDAY, MATE.

NOW I HAVE ALWAYS FELT A SPECIAL KINSHIP WITH THE LAND DOWN UNDER.

AFTER ALL, MY IRISH GREAT,

GREAT GRANDFATHER SEAMUS CONNELLY HADN'T JUMPED OFF THAT SYDNEY BOUND CONVICT

SHIP, RIGHT NOW I'D BE DOING SEGMENTS LIKE TIP OF THE BUSHWHACK, WAG OF THE DIG

ERIE DO AND ALPHA DINGO OF THE WEEK SO I ASSUME THAT AUSTRALIANS CELEBRATE EASTER JUST LIKE US.

EXCEPT OF COURSE BELOW THE EQUATOR WHERE JESUS COMES OUT OF THE TOMB COUNTERCLOCKWISE.

BUT THE AUSSIES ARE ABOUT TO ERADICATE THE HOLYIST SYMBOL OF EASTER.

>> THE EASTER BUNNY DAYS MAY BE NUMBERED.

THE EASTER BILLBY IS GAINING POPULARITY IN AUSTRALIA.

>> PROMOTING THE EASTER BILLBY IS A PROMOTION --

>> EASTER BILLBY, THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON THE SACRED RITUAL OF DYING A RABBIT PINK AND

GORGING ON ITS CHOCOLATE OFFSPRING.

WHO WANTS A CHOCOLATE BILLBY.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT'S GOT A CREAMY VEGEMITE CENTER.

PLUS IT MAKES NO SENSE.

THE BILLBY IS A MARSUPIAL UNLIKE RABBITS, THEY DON'T LAY EGGS.

AND NOW, NOW I HAVE GOT TO GO DIGGING IN ITS FILTHY POUCH FOR MY CHOCOLATE TREATS?

THEY'LL MELT.

BESIDES, IF YOU WANT TO REPLACE THE EASTER BUNNY,

YOU ALREADY HAVE A NATIVE AUSTRALIAN EGG-LAYING MAMMAL,

THE DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS.

CHILDREN WILL LOVE THE EASTER PLATYPUS.

IF THEY'RE GOOD THEY GET CHOCOLATE.

AND IF THEY'RE BAD HE'LL STAB THEM

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