Tiny Triumphs - Laser Klan

  • Aired:  06/24/13
  •  | Views: 23,237

The FBI charges two Ku Klux Klan members with building a workable death ray. (4:32)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU KEEP UP

ON THE DAILY NEWS LIKE I DO, WE

ALL KNOW THAT THE NEWS IS FILLED

WITH DEPRESSING STORIES OF

CRIME, WAR AND DEATH.

IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.

LAST WEEKEND'S FOOD SECTION HAD

A RECIPE FOR GENOCIDE BY

CHOCOLATE.

AND IT'S SO RICH IT VIOLATES

ARTICLE TWO OF THE GODIVA

CONVENTION.

THAT'S WHY FROM TIME TO TIME I

LIKE TO BRING YOU THE NEWS FROM

THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET.

THIS IS TINY TRIUMPHS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, WHEN IT COMES TO THE KU

KLUX KLAN, I AM NO FU FLUX FAN.

FOR ONE THING, WHITE AFTER LABOR

DAY?

NO.

THAT IS A HATE CRIME AGAINST

FASHION.

BUT YESTERDAY I SAW A STORY THAT

MADE ME REALIZE THAT TODAY'S

K.K. IS NOT YOUR FATHER'S KLAN.

AND YES, I'M IMPLYING YOUR

FATHER WAS IN THE KLAN.

JIM?

>> WE HAVE SEEN DEATH RAYS IN

SCIENCE FICTION MOVIES.

BUT THE F.B.I. CHARGEDDED TWO

UPSTATE NEW YORK MEN, ERIC

FEIGHT AND GLEN CRAWFORD, A

SELF-DESCRIBED ENGINEER AND KLAN

MEMBER WITH BUILDING A WORKABLE

DEATH RAY.

>> Stephen: YES, THE KLAN HAS A

WORKABLE DEATH RAY WHICH MEANS I

CAN FINALLY USE THIS GRAPHIC I

HAD MADE SIX YEARS AGO AGO.

>> LASER KLAN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: I HAD IT MADE FOR

WHEN GEORGE LUCAS WAS HERE.

HE ASKED ME NOT TO USE IT FOR

SOME REASON.

NOW, NATION, I DON'T WANT TO

SENSATIONALIZE THIS STORY BUT...

>> LASER KLAN ♪♪

Stephen: IT WAS AN SPENCIVE

GRAPHIC.

I NEED TO SHOW IT AS MUCH AS I

CAN.

NATION, THE MOST AMAZING THING

ABOUT THIS TECHNOLOGICAL

BREAKTHROUGH IN RACISM IS THAT

IT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY WORKED.

>> THE MURDERER'S PLAN ALLEGEDLY

CALLED FOR ATTACHING AN

INDUSTRIAL GRADE X-RAY MACHINE

TO A SPECIALLY DESIGNED

TRIGGERING DEVICE STORED IN A

TRUCK.

THE WEAPON WOULD BE MOBILE

SHOOTING CONCENTRATED DOSES OF

RADIATION ON UNSUSPECTING

TARGETS WHO WOULD DIE WITHIN TWO

WEEKS.

>> Stephen: YES, THE ONLY OTHER

WAY TO INFLICT YOUR TARGET WITH

A DOSE OF RAID THAT DEADLY TO

CALL THEM ON THEIR CELL PHONE.

NOW I'M NOT SURE HOW AUTHORITIES

UNCOVERED THE KLAN'S RADIATION

CAN NONE, BUT THEY MIGHT HAVE

BEEN TIPPED OFF BY THEIR NEW

ROBES.

NOW, FOLKS, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

THESE GUYS ARE DERANGED LUNATICS

WHO HAVE NO PLACE IN SOCIETY.

BUT AS WITH EVERY KU KLUX KLAN

DEATH RAY STORY I ENCOUNTER, I

BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK ON

THE BRIGHT SIDE.

WE MAY THINK OF THESE GUYS AS

BACK WOODS, RACIST HATEMONGERS

BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT SOME OF

THEM ARE URBAN, ENLIGHTENED

HATEMONGERS BECAUSE THEY OFFERED

THIS WEAPON TO JEWISH

ORGANIZATIONS TO KILL MUSLIMS

AND OTHER ENEMIES OF ISRAEL.

FOLKS, I BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT

MARTIN LUTHER KING WAS TALKING

ABOUT WHEN HE DREAMT OF A DAY

WHEN PEOPLE OF ALL CREEDS AND

COLORS COULD SIT TOGETHER AT THE

TABLE OF BROTHERHOOD TO DISCUSS

MICROWAVING ARABS.

BUT IT IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING

FOR ME BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT

THESE IGNORANT BIGOTS COULD EVER

BE SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD A DEATH

RAY.

IT TURNS OUT I WAS JUST BLINDED

BY MY OWN PREJUDICED.

I JUDGED THESE KLANSMEN ON THE

COLOR OF THEIR ROBES AND NOT ON

THE CONTENT OF THEIR RADIOACTIVE

MURDER MACHINE.

AND FOR THAT, I MUST TAKE A

MOMENT RIGHT NOW TO SAY, CAN YOU

CLUCKS CLAN, I APOLOGIZE.

I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT ANYONE

COULD EVER TAKE THAT OUT OF

CONTEXT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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