Federal Government Shutdown

  • Aired:  10/01/13
  •  | Views: 90,385

The EPA loses most of its workforce, and the National Zoo's Panda Cam goes dark. (3:46)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, FOLKS, THANK YOU FORBEING HERE.

THANK YOU FOR BRAVING THEMARAUDING GANGS AND PACKS OF

WILD DOGS THAT NOW RULE THENIGHT IN AMERICA!

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE AS OF MIDNIGHT LAST

NIGHT THE GOVERNMENT OF THEUNITED STATES OFFICIALLY CLOSED

FOR BUSINESS.

FINALLY A CHANCE TO USE OURFAMOUS NATION-BUILDING SKILLS

RIGHT AT HOME.

(LAUGHTER)AND JIMMY, TELL THE FOLKS WHAT

ELSE WE'VE WON.

>> THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HASSHUT ITS DOORS FOR THE FIRST

TIME IN NEARLY TWO DECADES.

>> THE LANDMARK MONUMENTS ANDMUSEUMS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. WILL

BE SHUT DOWN.

I.R.S. TAX REFUNDS WILL BESUSPENDED.

NEW HOME LOANS FROM THE FEDERALHOUSING ADMINISTRATION WON'T BE

PROCESSED.

THE NATION'S 400 NATIONAL PARKSWILL BE SHUT DOWN.

VIRTUALLY ALL OF NASA WILL GODARK.

>> EMPLOYEES AT THE E.P.A., THEENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY

WHICH REGULATES THE QUALITY OFOUR AIR AND WATER, THEY COULD

LOSE 94% OF ITS WORK FORCE.

>> Stephen: NO E.P.A.?

OKAY, WELL, TIME TO DUMP SOMEOLD HOUSE PAINT DOWN THE STORM

DRAIN!

(LAUGHTER)THERE WE GO.

THERE WE GO.

(LAUGHTER)THIS WILL TAKE A SECOND.

SORRY.

THERE YOU GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SORRY.

SORRY, DOLPHINS.

YOU HAD A GOOD RUN.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW WHAT?

WATER USED TO BE BLUE UNTIL IDUMPED THIS (BLEEP) IN THERE.

THERE YOU GO.

NOW, FOLKS, THE FEDERALGOVERNMENT MAY BE SHUTTERED, BUT

THE COLBERT NATION IS ALIVE ANDWELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND I AM PROUD AND PREPARED TO

FILL THE POWER VACUUM AS YOU ARELORD OF THE AFTERSCAPE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)UR-LORD LORD OF THE AFTERSCAPE.

BOW BEFORE ME!

BRING ME TRIBUTES OF SHEEP ANDUNSOILED DAUGHTERS!

I ALSO ACCEPT VISA!

(LAUGHTER)I WILL SEIZE ALL GOVERNMENT

FUNCTIONS.

WHO NEEDS THE F.D.A.?

JUST SEND ME YOUR DRUGS.

I'LL TEST THEM FOR YOU.

(LAUGHTER)FOR INSTANCE, THESE RIGHT HERE

BELONG TO -- THESE BELONG TOBRENDA, MY STAGE MANAGER.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WILL LET HER KNOW IN 14 DAYSIF I LOVE LATE.

(LAUGHTER)IF I OVULATE.

I'M FEELING A LITTLE TENDER.

OF COURSE, NOT ALL SERVICES ARESO EASILY REPLACED.

>> ALSO DARK, THE NATIONAL ZOO'SPANDA CAM.

THE VOLUNTEERS WHO RUN THECAMERA ARE NOT ALLOWED ON ZOO

PROPERTY WHILE THE SHUTDOWN ISIN EFFECT.

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT ONEREALLY HITS HOME!

BUT DON'T WORRY, I GOT THAT ONECOVERED, TOO.

JAY, COME ON OUT HERE,EVERYBODY.

JAY THE INTERN, EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)JAY.

JAY, HOW'S THE BAMBOO TASTE.

>> I LOST A TOOTH.

>> Stephen: WELL, CHOKE ITDOWN, MEI PANG, YOU WILL NEED

YOUR STRENGTH FOR MATING.

>> WHAT?

I'M GOING TO MATE WITH A LADYPANDA?

>> Stephen: NOT A LADY PANDA,JAY.

(LAUGHTER)JAY, BACK IN THE CAGE, AMERICA

IS WATCHING.

COME ON, CHOP-CHOP.

COME ON, LET'S GET GOING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GO, GO!

DON'T FORGET TO D

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