Defunct Satellite Hurtles Toward Earth

  • Aired:  09/22/11
  •  | Views: 61,576

According to NASA's calculations, Americans have either until Saturday morning to evacuate the Earth or they were vaporized two hours ago. (4:22)

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

( APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

PLEASE, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

THOUGH I AM LOATHE TO STOP

ANYONE WHO IS ABOUT TO TELL

ME A STORY OF HOW GREAT I AM

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, I HOPE YOU'RE

WATCHING THIS TV MOUNTED ON

THE JOG STROLLER BECAUSE YOU

SHOULD BE RUNNING FOR YOUR

LIVES.

(LAUGHTER)

AS WE SPEAK A DEFUNCT

SATELLITE IS HURTLING TOWARD

THE EARTH WHERE IT WILL

DESTROY EVERYTHING IN ITS

PATH.

LET'S JUST PRAY IT LANDS

SOMEWHERE IT CAN'T DO ANY

DAMAGE LIKE DETROIT.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS DEATH MACHINE, THIS

DEATH MACHINE IN QUESTION IS

NASA'S 20-YEAR-OLD UPPER

ATMOSPHERE RESEARCH

SATELLITE OR URSRS AS IN YOU

ARES ALL GOING TO DIE.

NOW FOLKS, FOLKS, WHILE

YOU'RE RUNNING FOR YOUR

LIVES, I DON'T WANT YOU TO

PANIC.

BECAUSE THE BOYS AT NASA

HAVE PINPOINTED THE PRECISE

TIME THE IMPACT WILL OCCUR.

JIM?

>> EXPERTS AT VANDENBERG AIR

FORCE BASE AND NASA SAY THE

SATELLITE WILL REENTER THE

ATMOSPHERE SOMETIME TOOFERM

NOON GIVE OR TAKE ABOUT 14

HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: YES, TOMORROW

AFTERNOON, GIVE OR TAKE 14

HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH MEANS YOU EITHER HAVE

UNTIL SATURDAY MORNING OR

YOU WERE VAPORIZED TWO HOURS

AGO.

AND NASA HAS PINPOINTED

EXACTLY WHERE THE SATELLITE

WILL FALL, JIM?

>> ENGINEERS NOW EXPECT IT

WILL BREAK INTO 100 PIECES

ON REENTRY, A QUARTER OF

THOSE COULD MAKE IT TO

EARTH.

NASA IS PRETTY SURE THAT ANY

SURVIVING PIECES OF THE

SATELLITE WILL FALL

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 57 DEGREES

NORTH AND 57 DEGREES SOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OKAY.

SO THE EVACUATION ZONE--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THE EVACUATION

ZONE IS THIS AREA.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT HERE.

IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE 6

BILLION THRILL SEEK ARES IN

THE IMPACT ZONE, YOU WILL

WANT TO FLEE TO THE SAFETY

OF EITHER ANTARCTICA OR THE

NORWEGIAN ISLAND OF SVALBARG,.

AND FOLKS DON'T WORRY,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF

TIME TO GET THERE BECAUSE IN

ADDITION TO PROVIDING A 28

HOUR IMPACT WINDOW ACROSS

118 MILLION SQUARE MILE

DANGER ZONE, NASA IS

PROVIDING A 20 MINUTE

WARNING BEFORE THE SATELLITE

STRIKES.

(LAUGHTER)

MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO

MAKE IT TO ANTARCTICA

PROVIDED THAT YOU ARE AN

EMERER PENGUIN.

NOW IF FOR SOME REASON YOU

ARE UNWILLING OR UNABLE TO

EVACUATE THE HABITABLE ZONE

OF THE EARTH AND THE

SATELLITE CRASHES NEAR YOU,

NASA WARNS DO NOT TOUCH IT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH OF COURSE MEANS,

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO

TOUCH IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN JUST THINK ABOUT IT,

FOLKS.

IT'S BEEN BOMBARDED WITH

SPACE RAYS FOR 20 YEARS.

OBVIOUSLY IT WILL GIVE YOU

SUPERPOWERS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU COULD BECOME THE HUMAN

SATELLITE!

HALF MAN, HALF 5,000

CHANNELS OF CRYSTAL CHIEF

HIGH-DEF, THAT REQUEST

PARALYZE EVIL DOERS WITH TOO

MANY VIEWING OPTIONS.

LOOK UP IN THE SKY, IT'S A

BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S THE

HUMAN SATELLITE BURNING UP

ON REENTRY.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT FOLKS, YOU PROBABLY

WON'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO

TOUCH IT BECAUSE NASA HAS

REASSURED US THAT THE ODDS

OF IT HITTING ANY SPECIFIC

PERSON ARE ONE IN 21

TRILLION, WITH A MARGIN OF

ERROR OF PLUS OR

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