Politicos & Paranoid Fantasies

  • Aired:  12/05/12
  •  | Views: 41,198

Public Policy Polling tries to make Republicans look like conspiracy nuts, and Congress opposes a universally shared value. (5:38)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HOW IS EVERYBODY OVER THERE?

YOU DOING OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ME, TOO, WOOO!

FOLKS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

SIT DOWN!

FOLKING IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON AND WHILE I ENJOY GETTING PRESENTS AND RETURNING THEM FOR

CASH AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY I LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT AT THIS TIME OF YEAR TO REFLECT ON THOSE

LESS FORTUNATE, AND JUST JUT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER BY COMPARISON.

THE CONGO.

ANYWAY, FOLKS, THESE DAYS THERE'S NO ONE WHO DESERVES OUR PITY MORE THAN POLLSTERS.

JUST ONE MONTH AGO EVERYONE WAS GLUED TO THEIR PROJECTIONS ABOUT THE RACE BETWEEN BARACK OBAMA AND...

SHOOT, WHAT'S HIS NAME?

I WANT TO SAY CAKE BUNTE.

NO, THAT'S THE NAME OF MY PET CAKE.

WHATEVER.

THE POINT IS, AFTER THE ELECTION, POLLSTERS DON'T HAVE JACK SQUAT TO DO.

THAT'S WHY I ADMIRE THE FOLKS OVER THE DEMOCRATIC-LEANING PUBLIC POLICY POLL WHO DESPITE

HAVING NOTHING TO ASK WERE STILL WILLING TO ASK IT IN A REALLY DIVISIVE WAY.

IN THEIR FIRST POSTELECTION NATIONAL POLL PUBLISHED YESTERDAY, THEY FOUND THAT 49%

OF G.O.P. VOTERS NATIONALLY SAY THEY THINK ACORN STOLE THE ELECTION FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA.

THAT IS TRULY SHOCKING.

ESPECIALLY SINCE ACORN DOESN'T EXIST ANY MORE.

IT FOLDED TWO YEARS AGO.

NOW,PPP THINKS THEY MADE THE REPUBLICANS LOOK LIKE CONSPIRACY NUTS, BUT I SAY THIS JUST PROVES

THE CONSPIRACY GOES DEEP, SO DEEP IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE DOESN'T EXIST?

ACORN.

( APPLAUSE ) AND WHENPPP ASKED ABOUT POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS TO THE LOOMING FISCAL CLIFF, THEY FOUND 39% HAD A

STRONG OPINION ABOUT THE SIMPSON-BOWLES BUDGET PLAN AND 25% OF RESPONDENTS HAD A STRONG

OPINION ON THE PANETTA-BURNS PLAN.

FUN FACT-- THE PANETTA BURNS PLAN DOES NOT EXIST, EITHER.

BUT I SAY IT DISAPPOINT MEAN IT'S NOT THE PLAN.

BECAUSE I THINK WE KNOW THE SOLUTION TO THE FISCAL CLIFF THAT BOTH REPUBLICANS AND

DEMOCRATS CAN AGREE ON IS NONEXISTENT.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO PERSONALLY, I SALUTEPPP FOR TURNING STATISTICAL ANALYSIS INTO AN EPISODE OF JAY WALKING.

THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY POLITICOS UP THERE MAKE THINGS UP.

SO IS CONGRESS, WHERE PARANOID FANTASY HAS LONG BEEN EYE KEY WEAPON IN FIGHTING THE SPECTER

OF ACCOMPLISHIMENT.

AND THERE WAS ANOTHER VICTORY YESTERDAY.

>> THE SENATE JUST NOW HAS MANAGED TO VOTE ON SOMETHING.

THEY REJECTED A TREATY TO EXTEND RIGHT TO THE BLIND AND DISABLED, RIGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN THE LAWS

IN THE UNITED STATES SINCE 1990.

THE VOTE IN THE SENATE WAS BIPARTISAN IN SUPPORT.

THEY NEEDED 66 VOTES, AND IT FAILED.

>> Stephen: IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

NO RIGHTS FOR DISABLED FOREIGNERS!

SUCK ON THAT, PIGGY PUDDY TINY TIM.

YOU AND THE REST OF THE GREAT BRITAIN CRUTCH CROWD CAN EAT YOUR GOOSE ON THE STAIRS.

BUT HOW DO YOU DEFEAT SOMETHING WITH SUCH BROAD BIPARTISAN SUPPORT?

JOHN McCAIN WAS FOR IT.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH WAS FOR IT.

EVEN FORMER REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE AND DISABLED WORLD WAR II VETERAN BOB DOLE LEFT HIS DEATH BED IN A

WHEELCHAIR TO SHOW HIS SUPPORT.

AND, REMEMBER, CONGRESS IS TECHNICALLY A DOWNGRADE FROM DEATH BED.

( LAUGHTER ) FOR A MINUTE, IT LOOKED LIKE BOTH SIDES MIGHT COME TOGETHER TO AFFIRM A UNIVERSALLY SHARED

VALUE, BUT COMING TO THE RESCUE ONCE AGAIN, DR. RICK SANTORUM'S IMAGINARYIUM.

>> THERE ARE SOME VERY, VERY TROUBLING PROVISIONS THAT COULD OPEN UP PANDORA'S BOX THAT COULD

DIRECTLY AFFECT MANY FAMILIES IN AMERICA.

IMAGINE THE SITUATION IF NOW THE STATE, THOSE WHO ARE NOT THE PARENTS OF THESE CHILDREN, HAVE

THE DETERMINATION AS TO WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

REAFFIRMING PROTECTIONS TO THE DISABLED EQUALS THE U.N. COMING BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD.

IT'S HARD ENOUGH FOR PARENTS TO GET THE KIDS TO LISTEN NOW.

JUST WAIT UNTIL EVERYTHING YOU SAY HAS TO GO THROUGH THOSE TRANSLATOR HEADSETS.

( LAUGHTER ).

NOW, NOW, SURE THE IDEA THAT AN INTERNATIONAL TREATY FOR THE DISABLED WOULD GIVE THE U.N.

RIGHTS TO TAKE YOUR KID AWAY SOUNDS FARRED FETCHED, BUTUN WHAT ELSE SOUNDS FARFETCHED?

ANYONE LISTENING TO RICK SANTORUM, AND YET, HERE WE ARE!

( APPLAUSE ) BESIDES, BESIDES I BELIEVE AMERICA HAS ALREADY PROVEN ITS COMMITMENT TO ACCESSIBILITY FOR

THE DISABLED BECAUSE WITHOUT THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT, BOB DOLE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN

ABLE TO PARK CLOSE TO THE CAPITOL, RIDE UP IN AN ELEVATOR, AND ROLL DOWN A RAMP TO SEE HIS

DYING WISH CRUSHED IN PERSON.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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