4th of July Under Attack

  • Aired:  06/27/13
  •  | Views: 56,670

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg considers outlawing the sale of sparklers on the 4th of July, leading Stephen to an act of civil disobedience. (5:44)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR

JOINING US.

NATION THIS IS MY LAST SHOW

BEFORE MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY,

THE FOURTH OF JULY.

WHERE THANKS TO MY WELL

STOCKED COOLER, I DECLARE

INDEPENDENCE FROM VOTING

SAFETY.

WELL, FOLKS, I DO UP THE

FOURTH RIGHT.

I HAVE EVERYBODY OVER.

I PREPARE MY FAMOUS HOT DOGS

WITH A SECRET INGREDIENT.

IT'S HEAT!

(LAUGHTER)

AND SPEAKING OF DOGS, I

NEVER RING IN THE FOURTH

WITHOUT MY BOY LOU DOG.

WHOOO!

THE DOG IS IN THE HOUSE AND

THE DOG IS LOOSE.

SERIOUSLY, HE USUALLY GETS

DRUNK ON WINE COOLERS AND

RUNS OFF.

LAST YEAR I FOUND HIM NAKED

BEHIND A TRUE VALUE HARDWARE.

AS OUR FOUNDERS INTENDED.

CLASSIC LOU DOG.

BUT SADLY, FOLKS, SOME

PEOPLE OUT THERE WANT TO

RUIN AMERICA'S SACRED

BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS FOURTH OF JULY UNDER

ATTACK!

(LAUGHTER)

THANK YOU, JESUS, HE'S A

GOOD GUY.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW ME, I TRY TO

LIKE EVERYBODY.

BUT THERE'S ONE PERSON I des

PIECE WITH A PASSION, NEW

YORK MAYOR MICHAEL

BLOOMBERG.

(LAUGHTER)

HE HAS REPEATEDLY ATTACKED

OUR SMOKERS, HE'S ATTACKED

OUR BILL GULPS, AND NOW HE

HAS ATTACKED OUR

TIME-HONORED PATRIOTIC

TRADITION.

>> SORRY KINDS Y FOURTH OF

WILL JULY CELEBRATION LOSING

ITS BARK, HE WANTS TO BAN

THE SALE OF SPARKLERS

BECAUSE IT'S POSSIBLE

TERRORIST KOS USE THEM.

BLOOMBERG PUSHING TO VETO A

BILL ALLOWING THE SALE OF

THEM AROUND THE WEEKS OF

FOURTH OF JULY SAYING THEY

COULD GET NOT HANDS OF THE

ENEMY.

>> GET INTO THE HANDS OF THE

ENEMY?

(LAUGHTER)

OH NO, AL QAEDA MIGHT WAIT

UNTIL DARK AND WRITE "DEATH

TO AMERICA" IN THE AIR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: HOW DARE YOU,

SIR!

HOW DARE YOU!

SOME OF MY HAPPIEST

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES WERE

SPENT HOLDING A 1500 DEGREE

METAL ROD.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL FOLKS, I DONE CARE WHAT

MAYOR BUZZSTOMP OVER HERE

SAYS.

SPARKLERS DESERVE A SEAT AT

FREEDOM'S TABLE.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT IN AN ACT

OF SKIFL DISOBEDIENCE MY

BUILDING FIRE SAFETY MARSHAL

FRANK WILL NOW ENJOY SAFE

AND FUN SPARKLER.

COME ON OUT HERE, FRANK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S YOUR

SPARKLER.

YOU READY TO DO THIS, BUDDY.

>> I DON'T THINK THE BEARD

IS A GOOD IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: COME ON, UNCLE

SAM HAS GOT TO HAVE THE

BEARD, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS, FLAME ON.

WHOOO!

>> Stephen: I AM SO SORRY

FOR YOUR LOSS.

(LAUGHTER)

FRANK WAS A GOOD MAN.

EVERYBODY SAID HE REALLY LIT

UP A ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU UNDERSTAND HE HAD TO

WEAR THE BEARD, RIGHT, YOU

KNOW THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEVER FORGET FRANK'S LAST

WORDS, HE SAID DAMN YOU

STEPHEN COLBERT, GODDAMN YOU

TO HELL.

(LAUGHTER)

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT

THAT SOMEBODY WAS YOU, MARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S

REMEMBER FRANK BY LIGHTING

THIS SPARKLER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THINKING OF HIM.

♪ ♪

♪.

>> Stephen: KIDS, KIDS,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE

BRAVE NOW.

I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

I WISH I COULD HAVE

EXTINGUISHED YOUR PARENTS.

BUT THANKS TO MAYOR BLOOMBERG

MY SODA WAS ONLY 16 OUNCES.

(APPLAUSE)

SO IT'S REALLY HIS FAULT.

YOU SEE THAT, DON'T YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OKAY.

OKAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE, GO PLAY WITH SOME

SPARKLERS.

GO ON, GO ON.

HAVE SOME SPARKLERS.

THERE YOU GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH, OH, OH, BUT

REMEMBER, ONLY USE THEM

UNDER PARENTAL SUPER-- HAVE

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