Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's Trial at Gitmo

  • Aired:  02/27/13
  •  | Views: 23,522

Guantanamo Bay hosts a one-of-a-kind military tribunal, designed by President Bush, implemented by President Obama, and inspired by President Kafka. (4:09)

FOLKS, WE'RE STILL FIGHTING THE WAR ON TERROR-- BY THE WAY, NAMING RIGHTS STILL AVAILABLE.

CALL ME VELVEETA.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE WAR ON TERROR JUST TURNED 12 YEARS OLD, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY IT'S SO INTO

CONTROLLED PLANES.

[LAUGHTER]

-- INTO REMOTE CONTROLLED PLANES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT OUR ENDLESS BORDERLESS WAR AGAINST AN EMOTIONAL STATE IS OUR PRISON

AT GUANTANAMO BAY.

EVEN THOUGH MANY HAVE WANTED TO SEE GITMO CLOSED, INCLUDING PRESIDENT OBAMA, DESPITE ALL

LOGIC, IT REMAINS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

IT'S THE RADIO SHACK OF THE WAR ON TERROR.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU FOLLOW THE NEWS CLOSELY, YOU ARE PROBABLY UNAWARE THAT GITMO IS CURRENTLY HOSTING THE

TRIAL OF 9-11 MASTERMIND KHALID SHEIK MOHAMMED.

FOR GODSAKE, KHALID, YOU'RE APPEARING IN COURT-- COMB YOUR SHOULDERS!

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ONE REASON YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT IS THAT NOT THE EASIEST TRIAL TO COVER.

FIRST, BECAUSE IT'S NOT REALLY A TRIAL.

IT'S A ONE-OF-A-KIND MILITARY TRIBUNAL DESIGNED BY PRESIDENT BUSH, IMPLEMENTED BY PRESIDENT OBAMA,

AND INSPIRED BY PRESIDENT KAFKA.

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, REPORTERS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE COURTROOM.

THEY HAVE TO WATCH THE TRIAL FROM BEHIND SOUNDPROOFED GLASS AND HEAR THE PROCEEDINGS ON A

40-SECOND DELAY.

AND TO PROTECT NATIONAL SECURITY, THE JUDGE OR A SECURITY OFFICER IN THE COURTROOM CAN HIT A MUTE BUTTON

WHICH SHUTS OFF THE AUDIO TO THE REPORTERS AND INDICATES THIS BY MAKING A RED LIGHT ON THE

JUDGE'S BENCH SPIN.

THE RED LIGHT ALSO INDICATES THAT ALL DRESS SHIRTS AND MEN'S SLACKS ARE 20% OFF.

BUT ON JANUARY 29TH, THE RED LIGHT TURNED ON AND CUT THE AUDIO, BUT-- AND THIS IS THE

FUN PART-- NEITHER THE JUDGE, NOR THE SECURITY OFFICER HAD DONE IT, CAUSING THE LIVID AND

CONFUSED JUDGE TO SAY, QUOTE "NOTE FOR THE RECORD, THAT THE 40-SECOND DELAY WAS INITIATED

NOT BY ME.

IF SOME EXTERNAL BODY IS TURNING THINGS OFF, IF SOMEONE IS TURNING THE COMMISSIONS OFF UNDER THEIR OWN

VIEW OF WHAT THINGS OUGHT TO BE, WITH NO REASON OR EXPLANATION, THEN WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A

LITTLE MEETING ABOUT WHO TURNS THAT LIGHT ON OR OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, FIND OUT WHO PUT THE DIMMER SWITCH ON HABEUS CORPUS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, THE GOVERNMENT'S PROSECUTOR SAID SHE COULD EXPLAIN WHO WAS DOING IT BUT NOT IN OPEN SESSION.

OOO! OO!

I THINK I KNOW!

CAN I SOLVE THE PUZZLE?!

LET'S SEE AHUUM.

WELL, WHOEVER'S DOING IT, IT'S GOT THE DEFENSE LAWYERS WORRIED THAT SOMEONE "MIGHT BE LISTENING

TO PRIVATE COMMUNICATIONS BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR CLIENTS AT THE DEFENSE TABLE.

C'MON, I REALIZE THESE MILITARY TRIBUNALS ARE A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL-- IN THAT THEY

MAY NOT BE COVERED UNDER THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS-- BUT IT'S PARANOID TO IMAGINE THAT THE

GOVERNMENT IS EAVESDROPPING ON YOU AT THE DEFENSE TABLE.

THEY'RE EAVESDROPPING ON YOUR ATTORNEY-CLIENT MEETING ROOMS.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, THEY SAY JUSTICE IS BLIND, BUT THEY NEVER SAID SHE'S DEAF.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, SO THE WHOLE THING'S BEING SPIED ON AND CONTROLLED BY UNSEEN FORCES.

BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST LIKE "SURVIVOR," EXCEPT IN THIS CASE, NO ONE GETS VOTED OFF THE ISLAND.

BUT FOLKS, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT FOR MANY THIS TRIAL HAS LOST ITS LEGITIMACY.

SO I SAY WE DO THE ETHICAL THING AND LET THE DETAINEES GO FREE.

THEN HUNT THEM DOWN WITH FLYING

Loading...