Iowa Caucus 2012

  • Aired:  01/03/12
  •  | Views: 53,947

The Super Bowl of old Midwestern people sitting in folding chairs in a high school gym is upon us. (6:50)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE

"REPORT"!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO START

THE YEAR.

I HAD A FANTASTIC CHRISTMAS

VACATION, HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD

ONE, TOO.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.

WE ARE BACK, CORRECT?

WE ARE BACK?

OKAY, GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE BECAUSE

I DO NOT GO ANYWHERE.

I HAVE BEEN HERE BEHIND THIS

DESK THE ENTIRE TIME SHOUTING IN

THE DARK.

ABOUT A HALF HOUR AGO THESE

PEOPLE SHOWED UP, THE CAMERA GUY

SHOWED UP.

THEY TURNED UP THE LIGHTS, I

ASSUME THAT MEANS WE'RE BACK ON

THE AIR.

FOLKS, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK

BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE BIGGEST

POLITICAL STORY OF THE CENTURY.

THE OHIO... NO, I'M SORRY, THAT

IS THE IOWA...

(LAUGHTER).

THE IOWA CAUCUSES.

THE CAUCUSI?

LET'S CHECK ON THAT.

EITHER WAY, IT'S THE SUPERBOWL

OF OLD MIDWESTERN PEOPLE IN A

HIGH SCHOOL GYM SITTING IN

FOLDING CHAIRS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, FOLKS, NO ONE IS ON THIS

STORY LIKE I AM TONIGHT!

I AM BRINGING YOU EVERY CORNER

OF THE STATE, THE MOST COMPLETE

COVERAGE I COULD GET FROM FREE

WEB CAMS.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE TALKING THE COUNTY

COURTHOUSE LIVE PARKING LOT WEB

CAM.

A HIGHWAY CAM ON I THINK THAT IS

THE IOWA AVENUE BRIDGE OVER THE

IOWA RIVER.

THEY'RE A CREATIVE PEOPLE.

AND THE IOWA CORN CAM CATCHING

UP ON ALL THE UP-TO-THE-MINUTE

DEVELOPMENTS WITH AN EAR OF IOWA

CORN.

AND, OF COURSE, THE REPORT

REPORT CAM CAM THAT FILM IT IS

CAMERA THAT IS FILMING THE WEB

SITE.

NOW, NORMALLY WE BROADCAST LIVE

AT 11:30 EVERY NIGHT.

BUT TONIGHT I AM PRETAPING MY

SHOW AT 7:00 SO I COULD GET HOME

IN TIME TO CATCH THE START OF

THE HYPING OF NEW HAMPSHIRE.

BUT JUST BECAUSE IT IS

IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO KNOW THE

WINNER OF IOWA YET, THAT WILL

NOT KEEP ME FROM BEING THE FIRST

TO CALL THIS RACE.

I CAN ALREADY SAY WHO WILL

LOSE-- JON HUNTSMAN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHO IS COMPLETELY SKIPPING IOWA

TO FOCUS ON NEW HAMPSHIRE AND TO

ADD INSULT TO INJURY, HE ADDED

AN INSULT.

JIM?

>> THEY PICK CORN IN IOWA.

THEY ACTUALLY PICK PRESIDENTS

HERE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Stephen: YES.

NEW HAMPSHIRE PICKS PRESIDENTS.

JUST ASK PRESIDENTS BUCHANAN,

AND TSONGAS.

THAT WAS A THOUGHTLESS INSULT BY

HUNTSMAN AND I AM PERSONALLY

OFFENDED.

NOT FOR IOWA, THEY ARE PIG

FARMERS AND IT'S A MIRACLE THEIR

STATE FLAG IS NOT A PAIR OF

OVERALLS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I AM OFFENDED FOR CORN!

HOW DARE JON HUNTSMAN INSULT

AMERICA'S NATIONAL CALORIE

PELLET?

ALL AMERICANS DO IS EAT CORN!

WE CONSUME IT IN ALL PHASES OF

MATTER-- SOLID, LIQUID, COOL

RANCH.

(LAUGHTER)

AT THIS POINT, AMERICANS ARE 98%

CORN AND IF YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

THEN CORN IS PICKING THE NEXT

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

SHOW IT SOME RESPECT, HUNTSMAN.

REMEMBER THE PLEDGE OF

ALLEGIANCE.

(LAUGHTER)

ONE NATION, UNDER COB, INDANIBBL

INDANIBBLE WITH LIBERTY AND

FRUCTOSE FOR ALL.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO WE KNOW WHO'S OUT.

BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE THIS

THING?

BEFORE THE BREAK, IOWA WAS A

SURE THING FOR NEWT GINGRICH--

AFTER IT WAS A SHOE-IN FOR

HERMAN CAIN, A CINCH FOR RICK

PERRY, MONEY IN THE BANK FOR

MICHELE BACHMANN AND GOLD BARS

SEWN INTO A MATTRESS FOR RON

PAUL.

SO IMAGINE MY SHOCK AND SURPRISE

WHEN FORMER SENATOR RICK

SANTORUM STORMED TO THE HEAD OF

THE THIRD PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE COUNTED

SANTORUM OUT AS UNELECTABLE OR

AT THE VERY LEAST UNGOOGLABLE.

YOU SEE, A FEW YEARS AGO

SANTORUM COMPARED HOMOSEXUAL

RELATIONSHIPS TO MAN ON DOG SEX.

ANGERING FRIEND OF THE SHOW AND

ENEMY OF FAMILIES DAN SAVAGE WHO

THEN LAUNCHED AN INTERNET

CAMPAIGN TO REDEFINE SANTORUM'S

NAME.

NOW, IF YOU'RE DRINKING A MILK

SHAKE OR EATING A CHOCOLATE

MYSELF I ADVISE YOU TO SET IT

ASIDE BEFORE I READ SAVAGE'S

DEFINITION OF SANTORUM.

"THE FROTHY MIXTURE OF LUBE AND

FECAL MATTER THAT IS SOMETIMES

THE BY-PRODUCT OF ANAL SEX."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

ARE WE ALL RIGHT?

BUT THANKS TO HIS SURGING

CAMPAIGN, SANTORUM HAS ENDED

THIS UNFAIR ASSOCIATION OF HIS

NAME WITH HOT MAN LOVE.

RIGHT, NEWS PEOPLE?

>> SANTORUM HAS GOT THE BIG MUG.

YOU HAVE A SURGE IN THE BACK END

OF THE POLLING FOR RICK

SANTORUM.

>> Stephen: YUP.

NOTHING GAY.

JUST BIG MO POLLING SANTORUM IN

THE BIG BACK END.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO WHAT EXISTED LIFTED SANTORUM

ABOVE THE FROTH?

WAS IT HIS STRONG CONSERVATIVE

RECORD?

HIS FAMILY VALUES?

HIS CHRISTIAN FAITH?

PARTLY, BUT MOSTLY IT WAS

FASHION.

JIM.

>> I WAS AT A SPEECH TWO WEEKS

AGO AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE... I

JUST HAPPENED TO WEAR A SWEATER

VEST THAT DAY.

THAT SPEECH WENT OVER VERY, VERY

WELL AND IF THERE WAS ONE EVENT

THAT I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT

REALLY BEGAN THE MOMENT IT WAS

THAT SPEECH AND I THINK MOST

PEOPLE RECOGNIZE THAT HERE AND

SO ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SWEATER

VEST, IT WAS LIKE FEAR THE VEST.

>> Stephen: YES.

FEAR THE VEST.

IN IOWA THAT LOOK IS FIERCE!

(LAUGHTER)

WE ALL KNOW THROUGHOUT HISTORY

ELECTORAL POWER HAS HINGED ON

PARTIAL COVERAGE TORSO CLOTHING.

REMEMBER EISENHOWER'S

CUMMERBUND, WOODROW WILSON'S

Loading...